I don't think I've gone a night without crying since I was little, seriously. I always get the feeling where I just want to go home even though I am home, It's really hard to put my feelings into words I never talk about my feelings but when I do i tear up for some reason and I hate crying in front of people so I just bottle everything up and carry on.. I have friends, I've had plenty of friends but I just push everyone away I prefer staying in than going out but it seems everyone else in the world wants to go out to party's, get drunk, do drugs but that's not what I want to do so I just stay in, this sounds like i'm just pitying myself feeling sorry for myself but I really don't feel like I don't belong, I haven't had a hug of my dad since I was little I miss him so much even though I see him everyday I feel like he doesn't care even though he obviously does he just doesn't express his feelings, like me I guess..
This is really long and if you do read this I thank-you for taking notice in what I have to say, this is honestly the first time I have told anyone about myself and how I feel. I get told that I'm always 'happy' and always laughing and stuff and I just laugh and agree when I am DEFINITIVELY not! I have self harmed, considered suicide, even though I know I don't have the worst life ever I feel like I do..
I'm to shy to talk to any boys in person therefore I never get close to any romantically, I haven't had a proper boyfriend since I was 11 years old. I'm 15 yeah I know I shouldn't really be bothered about relationships but it would be nice to have a relationship with a boy just like every other girl my age does. The time i did get close to a boy, I trusted him I trusted my BESTFRIEND technically my sistser, i have known her all my life I was there when her mother died when we were 3 years old, I have always been there for her and all she has done is treat me like shit. I trusted her not to mess things up with me and this boy and she goes and does everything possible with him except sex, it hurt me so bad, but I moved on. Then there's my guy bestfriend who I was in love with and I mean it, we were always together we talked everyday until the start of a new year where we was no longer in each others classes in school we never talked in person anymore but we were still so close when we talked online or through the phone, I wish I had made more of an effort he told me he loved me the things he said about how he felt were so sincere and I felt the same way except I just couldn't express it. Then eventually after a year he got a girlfriend, it hurt but I understood is was my fault I should of made an effort, he still loved me but just as a friend now, they were on and off for ages until they finally broke up for good, so he said. He said to me they were over for good and that he never wanted anything to do with her again, I actually believed him. He asked me out on a date said he still had feelings for me but still of course I was still to shy to actually meet up with him in person because we haven't spoke face to face in so long, then when I finally plucked up the courage to text him saying yes I will go on a date with you, I drove past him with his 'ex-girlfriend' holding hands, when I got home I logged onto Facebook, they were in a relationship, and that really did break my heart but it wasn't until a couple days after I realized I thought I was over it I knew I was just a rebound so I didn't let it get to me but then there was a night when I was an emotional wreck, I was just thinking about everything all the times I have been hurt but done nothing about it, how much I miss people, how much I just wanted to hug my family without it being completely awkward and I broke down, I self-harmed for the second time, I know when I start to get depressed because I just watch film after film after film after film so pass time so it's the next day then the next, until the depressed me is gone for a little while.
I write on my walls and I was reading it one day and I came across a picture I had done when I was little it's of me crying, sounds silly I know but it was just how I felt back then and still do. I could write so much more about my feelings it's nice to talk about them for once, but yeah I'm not happy. I don't think I EVER will be happy.
Life doesn't suck, for some. But for others it's hell, even if to some it's luxury.