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You won't believe me it gets better but it does, I tried to hang myself, chickened out, try to slit my wrists, chickened out, took an overdose, didn't take enough threw them up, fantastised about jumping off big buildings in the Town Centre, thought about jumping out in front of a car, lorry, anything with wheels, thought about climbing a pylon and electricuting myself, tried to drown myself, everything, I couldn't do it, because I didnt want to hurt everyone, I just wanted to stop suffering.
It sounds like you have clinical depression, which is what I have, anti-depressants can help, so can walking and music. I was lonely that I cried myself to sleep, I cried in the shower and I felt invisible, sometimes I still feel it, but I don't cry anymore, I enjoy my time on my own more now, I use it to relax and think about things that keep my busy, like making Christmas presents plans, thinking about birthdays, pretending you have a billion pounds or dollars to spend and figuring what you would do with it anything that keeps your mind occupied.
But there comes a point when you realise you can't waste your life, and it gets boring to be self involved and obsessed with how much you're suffering and no one even notices, because they wont, only you know how dark it gets for you, and until you can contain it, you wont be happy, you never really completely control it, only manage it, so you can smile fake smiles at people, mutter fake hellos', discuss the weather, but you get a surprising little sense of joy that you held a normal conversation and to not think about the loneliness for a moment.
It will get better, when you are finally comfortable with being on your own, enjoying the time rather than feeling down, you'll be okay, only when you're okay with being alone will you truly be happy, your mind will always play agaisnt you, you just have to be smarter than it and know it's tricks.
Dont give up, quitting would be worse. xx
i just kicked the fucking chair away and strangled for about 2 minutes but then i stopped cus it was too painfull. now i have extreme headache and my eyes are red as fuck. fucking gay bullshit