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Why my life isn't what I want it to be...

Posted by anonymous at September 24, 2010
Tags: Attitude  Juvenile problems  2010 September

Technically I have a good life. I'm 16 and healthy. I'm intelligent and decent looking. I consider myself average. I get pimples, I mess up with chicks, I make mistakes, I trip and I fall like every other average person. On the surface I look just like anyone else you might know. I take pride in that. I think the same thoughts as the average person does. I worry about college, girls, life, death, love, and money. I am an amateur artist and musician. I have a dad and mom. I have a brother who's 14. I have two cats and a dog. I have friends of all types. I have clothes, food, books, and a laptop. My parents are even getting me a nice used car when I get my full license. I go to school and get decent grades. I love chemistry, statistics, and music. Pretty nice life. Except, I hate it.

I get depressed over the tiniest things. They set off this chain reaction of thoughts that get me feeling so bad I end up staring out windows or holding knives. I, for some reason, deeply loathe sex. I see my friends get upset over it. Guys break up with girls over it. Girls get hurt by it. Guys get hurt by it. It sucks, yet they do it anyway. They give in. I also hate fear and pain and life. People are born into lives that suck. Women have to sell their daughters off to brothels to feed the family. Parents rape children. People rape children. People rape. People kill and destroy if only because they can. It's not right, and I hate it. Thinking like that gets me into my bad state. Once I'm there, it takes weeks to get back out. I can be happy for a moment then leaning over a bridge the next. For no reason I feel the desire to die. I'm not sure why, but that's just what happens.

My parents don't get me. My mom treats me like I'm 12 and I can't think for myself. If I disagree with her she grounds me. If she disagrees with me, I can't defend my opinion. Sometimes I get mad and yell at her. I make her see just how much of a hold she has over me mentally. But, then she gets my dad. She'll call him and tell him her "side" of the story. She leaves out just the right facts so my dad doesn't even bother to ask for my side. I messed up, Mom's mad, yo're grounded. Just like that. It's like she plays a game with me. No, it's like she plays a game Against me. She Must win because she is an adult and I am a child. A child who, in 18 months, will never see his parents again. My dad is away a lot, which I don't mind. I actually like it. It takes away my moms power over me, unless she calls him. Then it gets screwed up. But I don't
care. It happens to much really.

I've visited counselors. I was forced to the first time. I gave the appearance of a normally screwed up family. Got out. A year later, when the depression thing really started to hurt, I wanted to go, but it didn't help.I've tried killing myself twice. Both 'attempts' were just stupid impulse. The first was at a pool. I hyperventilated and then let all my air out. I swam to the bottom and sank (because of the lack of air). I tried to stay there but couldn't. I came up and took in a breathe of air and punched myself. A year later I had a big helium balloon. I started to breath it and hold my breath. Your body doesn't react to lack of Oxygen, but rather surplus of Carbon Dioxide. Helium, taking place of Oxygen, should let me slip out of consciousness without the pain of holding my breath. Sadly, I didn't pass out. And I soon realized it wouldn't have worked anyway. I would have started breathing while knocked out and would have replenished my Oxygen.

I've never had a girlfriend despite trying my hardest. I've never kissed a girl, held hands, or honestly held a girl. I'm too creepy. I apparently "Care". I don't want sex, I just want a real relationship. Clearly, I won't get that in High school. Girls get weirder out by me. I have lots of girl friends, but they don't see me as that kind of guy they could like. I'm "sweet", sure, but I'm not right.

I have a nice life, but I unfortunately hate it. I was unwillingly brought into existence, but who really has a choice? You're born into the life you get, and you do what you want with it. That's all there is to it, I suppose, but what if all I want is to never have been alive?


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By anonymous at 01,Oct,10 05:07

It is stuff we all have to deal with and we all think about.

The problem with parents is we expect great things from them, we want answers, we want fairness and we want to be understood, but we forget parents are nothing but humans, and humans aren't perfect, aren't always nice and don't always get it right, just like we as kids fuck up all the time, and our decisions affect our parents and the relationship, teenage years are so hard, the hormoes, the pressure of exams, school politics, relationshps, sex everything is so confusing.

Sweet is a lovely thing to be called, it means that people see you as genuinely nice, and so many people are so horrible, that makes you unique!

Rape isn't a nice thing, it's awful it makes us all feel sick, but remember some people are just bad inside, just rotten and they do these things as an exercise of control and aggression to prove themselves and because they are sick.

You're not like that, and you wouldn't hurt a person like that, sex isn't much fun when the person you're with is screaming and crying and being forced, you want to be with someone who is enjoying themselves and cares for you.

At 16 most things are about sex, girls worry they should put out, they don't want to be frigid, men worry their friends are beating them, no one is sure who is lying and saying they have done it, it's really hard work! Girls are scouting for the best offers, which relationship will be considered the best for them, which will make them liked, if this boy will make them unpopular.

You'll find someone, you just can't look for them, you're young for a very short period of time, then it's bills, a house, screaming kids and marriage, enjoy the time with yours friends, spend your cash, sleep late on weekends and try everything once, when you're up at 4am one day with your baby it will give you funny memories and something to smile out so you can say "I did that".

Life is very difficult, but believe me it starts going pretty quickly soon. You'll find the girl for you, but you might not find her where you're looking, she probably wont be one of your friends, she wont be in the popular circle, she'll be somewhere different, out of the ordinary maybe at a different school but you'll know when the chemistry is there, and you'll know when she feels the same, dont go grabbing anything just to have a girlfriend, have a great social life because relationhips usually ruin those! Bros before hoes remember!

You're going to be just fine, take a deep breath, suck it all up and smile, people are horrible and awful but you cant change what happens and has happened, all you can do it make sure you're not the same.


By anonymous at 01,Oct,10 11:14

Yeah my parents are like that too. They treat me like a kid, haha Im freaking 25 now and still living with them. But I love my family so yeah. My advice to you is just agree with your parents no matter what.. after all girls are always right. But look at this, look at your blessings, you have cats and dogs, food, books, and a laptop and they are getting you a car. I'm guessing you didnt buy all that with your own money. Your parents bought that for you probably. Meaning they do love you. You say you didnt have a girlfriend yet but you have lots of friends.. well your still young and theres alot of time to get girls... Im 25 right now and have 0 friends and never had a girlfriend because i was too caught up with my ambition and success, but i Have nothing now and am trying to help others with their problem. So you theres still hope for you yet. You need to enjoy life more, see the blessings you have. be positive. I have depression too. there are foods that help me, like oatmeal, ginger, milk, bananas, ive deen researched on those antidepressent foods and they help alot. dont drink anything with caffeine or alcohol they make things worse. no chocolate and sugar. absolutley no energy drinks. Now you have to excercise, list weights, yoga, martial arts. they all help with stresses of being a teen and helps you feel better. learn about affirmations theyve helped with my depression. well good luck.


By anonymous at 01,Oct,10 14:13

waw...you sure have a lot in ur mind for a 16 years old boy..
i never thought about those things actually..
and u really like gave me a new concept of life for me...
i'm 16 too anyway...

i suggest you better try to find some things that you really like..some things that really can make u really alive..if u have found it, i'm sure u will never doubt the reason why u were born...

i havent found that special thing anyway...but i'm on my way..sometimes i think about my suck life and stuff like that...but i also think even though you never want to be alive, dont you think its better to enjoy what we have given before we let it go? i mean we dont pay anything for that, so we might as well enjoy it..haha..make the most of it..

and anyway i bet you'll find yourself a girl someday...the one that will like you for who you are..your soulmate..who knows?

and so with that reasons, please dont kill yourself now..that's so scary and doesnt seem right to me...you're still really really young...you can consider about suicide suicidal thing when u were 80 or so...how bout it?

but if you still think thats what you really want to do, i dont have anything else to say then..

regards,
Carin


By anonymous at 07,Oct,11 19:42

You know.... to whoever is reading this...to all who have eyes and see this...I heard one time that the probable real reason it is scientifically said that girls mature more than boys is because of the added hormones they add to farm animals that we eat for food.They don't put testosterone in the animals whic would promote masculinity,they put Estrogen which promtes feminine things like cows producing more milk which then contains the estrogen hormones and chickens so they lay more eggs.Its known for boys to be awkward.I was an awkward middle schooler.I also had racing thoughts about life and sadness.It is probably the Estrogen hormones fucking up males' development and masculinity and which would effect our thinking.Women like his mom have been overdeveloped for years so of course she is going to be like a tyranasaurus rex while the "for years underdeveloped" man/husband is ,as found, COMPLACENT with his being surrounded by all of these over developed women who think of them selves as adults before males do which is why all in adolecents get awkward.There are two ends of the spectrum here.Males who are weakkened by the estrogen in food and then compared to the sexual development of girls hyperdeveloped at the other end.The gap in between is like a double effecto or something.Does anyone agree of follow me.I think this is is this kids problem and many others.


By crorkz jremy at 23,Nov,14 14:08

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