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My story with hope!

Posted by A survivor at December 25, 2010
Tags: Abuse  Attitude  2010 December  Family  Society

I have never come across any sites like this before where I can just write honestly about me and read plights of lonliness and anguish of others so thanks for this oppportunity whoever created it.

Truthfully I am lonely too. It's xmas day and i am wondering what to do with my life. Mid life crisis springs to mind. I am employed as a manager and live in a 1 bd flat alone. I'm a 35 yr old single gay guy that carries on regardless of what life throws at me.

I hope to share a summary of my life/childhood (to whomever reads it) with the hope to urge and inspire other fellow lonlely lost souls to not give up. (I suppose it is also my way of reaffirming this hope to myself and getting it all out of my system!)

Like many of us, I had a crappy childhood, mainly messed up by 13 yrs of sexual abuse by an uncle which I took to court when I was 15(The abuse is NOT the reason I'm gay by the way.... I believe it's because of genetics and nothing else) and parents that gave me a rough start in life with beatings from my mother (Who was raped and convinced the scum is my father so she constantly called me ugly) and my father gave me a very hard time for the trauma I presented to his wife who later became diagnosed with schizophrenia. This family dragged my brothers and I up on a grotty council estate where we were always picked on. I had a lot of fights growing up which was to protect myself. I loathe violence and do my best to prevent it though we can't refrain or predict the actions of others.
The point in sharing this past is to shed some light on my present life style.

I have a relatively good body despite copious attempts of suicide many moons ago (I have literally come back from the brink of death twice at hospital and very lucky to be alive apparently) and I spent most of my twenties trying to survive being homless, doing drugs and drinking excessive amounts of alcohol. I have spent years trying to better myself, my mind and my life. I no longer do drugs at all but still smoke which is the next vice to give up when I can. However I still battle with the problems and the anger/madness derived from drinking alcohol at times (On a lighter note... I have a couple of good friends that I have some good nights and times with when drunk so I am not a complete monster!)
As I can be quite social and it seems others say I'm good looking, I get attention from men and have been a complete whore at times and admittedly sold my body when I am completely out of sorts and struggling with cash. No suprising then, it has left me feeling cold, indifferent and even worse about myself but I have learnt to live with it and moved on from all that now.

Despite years of therapy, councelling and self help/improvments, inside I
still full of pain, insecurity and still feel I am ugly. This deep rooted lack of self esteem and confidence has caused me so many issues in life and with relationships. I have had a couple of long term partners and even had a civil partnership which turned into a total disaster and left me in debt. I have also had some dysfunctional 'unhealthy' r'ships that turned really sour and violent. Now I am not looking to get involved with anyone unless someone extra special comes along, which is doubtful since I am still too fucked up and left jaded.

The moral to this story is I am still fighting to survive and striving to co-exist in a world where people are unsympathetic, cruel, judgemental and don't understand what it means to someone like me... to just want to be liked, even loved and let be. I try damned hard to be a good person but just don't know what direction to take my life in now. I am lonely but I am not giving up.

If you have read all this, thank you and I hope it didn't come across as a narcsasistic, self pitiful pile of crap.

I wish you all a good xmas day.


Similar Entries:
Tired of telling the story September 4, 2011
My Story August 23, 2010
Let's Brighten It Up a Little People!!! August 24, 2011
Life sucks and there is no escape February 21, 2011
Hopeless May 17, 2011

New Comment

By anonymous at 11,Jan,11 11:43

Well you really are ugly... Gay Whore... I knew people who had your same life and still resisted to their desires, I knew gay people who resisted years and never had sex, they went out for a doctor and all have famillies right now, kids and even grandchildren... You're just one person who gets easily tempted by the devil, I wish you could find peace in your annalihation, even thaugh I know you won't.
By anonymous at 11,Jan,11 13:01

so much hate.
By anonymous at 11,Jan,11 19:03 Fold Up

haha this dick just proved everything you said about people in your post is correct.
By anonymous at 12,Jan,11 15:33

Yep and I expected some comments like that. it's scum like that from the first post that keeps me going strong. I pity him... 'he who protest too much' I reckon.
Thanks for your supportive comments back. All the best.
By anonymous at 11,Jan,11 19:37 Fold Up

Fucking redneck
By anonymous at 11,Jan,11 21:16 Fold Up

It's closed off, judgmental people like you that create the evil in this world from your fears. This guy lived a hard life that God wouldn't want anyone to.

It's you who needs to find peace, this man is leading a better life for himself and I wish him all the best.
By anonymous at 12,Jan,11 16:49

Thank you for your comment and all the best to you too.
By jesus at 11,Jan,11 21:51 Fold Up

Contrary to popular belief, god loves everyone.
By anonymous at 11,Jan,11 21:52

Also, everyone was replying to the top post, not to you.
By anonymous at 12,Jan,11 00:41

By at 12,Jan,11 04:52 Fold Up

Wow nice, same thaughts here, those kind of people should've never existed to begin with.
By anonymous at 12,Jan,11 15:18

well and I bet you're the sort of bigot who goes to church every sunday pretending to love god and its creatures..
By at 14,Jan,11 04:07

Wrong again, I'm an atheist who does all he could to proove god does not exist, and I still hate gays, so go do what you have to do dude... Ow wait, dude ? I don't even know, it's like a dude having a pussy ?... whatever
By anonymous at 14,Jan,11 12:53

You just sound like one of lifes haters... And weird.
By at 16,Jan,11 10:03

And you sound just like an homosexual, which has nothing to do with Weirdness, since that's what you are, nothing but a homosexual.
By at 16,Jan,11 14:38

Haha... Your sad and clearly backwards. I AM A HOMOSEXUAL!!!! YES AND CLEARLY NOT ASHAMED OF IT! Concentrate on your own sexuality... if you have any LMAO.
By Venom at 17,Jan,11 06:11 Fold Up

i'm wondering, what does he mean by "EVERYONE" ? himself ?! cause it's quite obvious he wrote all the supportive comments to backup himself (lowish self esteem)
All by the name of anonymous!! I mean that's sad, but not new
Death to homos, they ruined the society
By Venom at 17,Jan,11 06:13

Oh and not to mention, a post is like 13.39 the other is like 13.42
Seriously you need professional help dummy

By at 13,Jan,11 16:53

I just wanted to say i think you're awesome and it's amazing you survived all that and arn't giving up! And as the other guy said, you seem very down to earth through it all. I'm a 26 year old gay guy and i feel a bit like you do now even though my childhood was good. I don't have much hope for the future though lol. You should write a book about your life.
By anonymous at 14,Jan,11 04:05

Have sex with the one who wrote that shit first, after all that's why he wrote his shit, so he could attract gay asses like yowself xD
By anonymous at 14,Jan,11 12:14

Why have you wasting yrt more of your time reading my post and even replying? LMAO.
Whhat makes you think I want to hear that sort of typical pathetic homophobic (Or homoerotic haha) BS?
Get a life and don't respond if your nothing but a bent nasty human being? I read a few things you wrote to others too and if you've nothing decent to say Or do... then disappear.
By anonymous at 14,Jan,11 12:32 Fold Up

Thanks Will. Thanks for your comment. However have you read some of the crap from a couple of others on this post? lol. It's nothing but a good reminder to good people of all the lame, braindead, simple-minded & moronic (and probably inbred)indiviuals out there! But sod 'em lol.
Anyway... I say never give up, fight only when you gotta fight, think positive and try only to be the best you can... even if others are frowning, mocking and being twisted.
All the best to you and hope you're feeling better since your reply. Take care.
By at 17,Jan,11 12:50

Thanks Will. Thanks for your sextape. However have you read some of the crap about me from a couple of others on this post? ffs. It's nothing but a good reminder that i'm a stupid gay fugly ass, braindead, simple-minded & moronic (and probably inbred)! But fuck me lol.
Anyway... I say give up like you always do, run away like a gay pussy from fights like you always do, think negative that's what you're made for, and try only to be yourself since that's the only thing you can be... althaught I know, others' mokeries drive you to suicide... Kill yourself.
All the worst to you and hope you're feeling like killing yourself after all these things you heard...
Happy fingers
By anonymous at 18,Jan,11 11:25

One word : Brilliant l0l ;)

By at 14,Jan,11 12:01

Perhaps you should wear one of those t-shirts, with that symphatical weird sentence on 'em : "I was sexually abused and I'm looking for attention", would be lovely
By anonymous at 14,Jan,11 12:35

That was lame man. You clearly missed the point of this site. LMAO. WEIRDO.
By anonymous at 14,Jan,11 12:40

MSG dated 14 Jan,11 11.35 is a reply to "STALAGMITE who
signs his nasty postd with a XD
By anonymous at 15,Jan,11 06:18 Fold Up

ROTFL Stalagmite you rule xD
By anonymous at 16,Jan,11 14:40

Do you even know what Stalagmite is? Or are you a sad twat that got the name from some geeky online game?
By at 15,Jan,11 13:31 Fold Up

omfg i loled at that one
By anonymous at 16,Jan,11 07:52 Fold Up

Haha there are weird t-shirts out there, i have that one with the "Someday I'm going to be a professional", rofl i dunno what that means
By at 16,Jan,11 10:07

I gave you a ten over ten stalagite
By anonymous at 16,Jan,11 14:39

SAD Bastard
By anonymous at 16,Jan,11 14:42 Fold Up

There are weird people out there and sad as you sound... you own and were the t-shirt lol.
By Venom at 17,Jan,11 06:08 Fold Up

Jaja stalagmite if you're ever back here again can I add you on fb or something ? you're definitly going to be one of my friends

By at 19,Jan,11 09:05

i always feel like coming back here, this article has some funny posts on it haha
By anonymous at 19,Jan,11 15:24

Hilarious. Anyway... I'm done with this site and some of you morons. I have a life and intend to carry on living it. Shame some of you are unable to do the same.
Thanks for the posts and I hope karma deals with each of you accordingly. Particularly some of you sickos.
By anonymous at 23,Jan,11 13:53

Was a GayRage, told you weha
By Venom at 28,Jan,11 08:09 Fold Up

wtf is karma >.
By anonymous at 29,Jan,11 23:47

What goes around.... that's Karma!
By anonymous at 29,Jan,11 23:50

wAIT..ME AGAIN! What goes around.. I meant people who bash gay people are gonna get it big time! Karma does not discriminate! If you're mean to someone.. gay or otherwise... it will get back to u 100 times your child will get cancer or something. So you have to be nice.
By Venom at 10,Feb,11 11:57

Actually I was punished by Karma already, My brother works in assosiation with a lesbian and he doesn't even fucking know LMAO
I mean what fucking bad thing can happen to me but meetin more gay fugly asses, more and more, all as discusting, and all speaking about every detail, every lil detail about their makeouts with their boyfriends, not to mention many other unnatural things, They just don't have a place in this world, and if u think u have a place in this world, u'd better end your life, cause as far as I know, you gays are illegal, No legal marriage, Only illegal sextapes.
And btw about bashin, no need to worry, u're gonna be bashed till the end of times, u know why ? cuz u can't keep your sexuality for yourselves.
I mean i knew a couple of gay ppl, both are like the same asses, both are obssessed with sex, both just can't keep their stuff for themselves, and can't stop talkin about how incredibly discusting they were last night, it fuckin sucks, you fuckin suck, if u only know how much different things there is between a straight and a gay, sooo much differences. and actually hating and bashing gays made of me such a popular entertainer, since our society, Most of it, rejects gays, otherwise they wouldn't be leading gay prides every month BEGGING for legal marriage... then ofc adopting kids who are going to reject them right after they grow some balls, It's so bad and discustin to be u, srsly. and then tell me ur sexuality wasn't a choice, cause it was, and I know what I'm talkin about, there is an expression pretty much used in our domain "I could get gay for somebody" : Loves him/her so much, totally explains the point...
BYYYYYE and gd luck
By anonymous at 11,Feb,11 16:01

You are a one pityful excuse of a human being Venom.
By Venom at 15,Feb,11 03:49

Well it's funny how it's me who pities u... I explained everything above, u could probably use some of it, BLIND ASS.
Check youtube, Chris Crocker, and see yourself, Smile cause it looks just like you.
and then write "I hate Chris Crocker", first video then see how ugly u are and how hated u are.
Ciao Ciao sorry for breakin hearts here btw, it's not my job.
Wait not hearts, Asses, whatever
By anonymous at 15,Feb,11 13:52

Your even sadder than I first thought. LMAO. Fuck I hope neither myself or any of the good people I know meet any one like you. On a lighter note... I've shagged a fair few men like you back in my day... and you all have one thing in common.... a small insignificant mind and a small dick. get a life man.
By anonymous at 15,Feb,11 13:57

Oh and why do you keep coming back to this post Venomous skank. How sad is that! I come back because I wrote it. Move on and get a life. Please don't reply. You sound thick as shit.
By Venom at 16,Feb,11 10:54

Well like so many ppl commenting in here, I check this post everyday cause it's so fuckin funny hahaha
no I mean like Hilarious, and whenever I get to the internet I love to begin with laughin at pathetic animals' asses like urself.
"Small insignificant mind and a small dick", sounds like u tasted all of that... Which prooves again my theory is true, Discusting gay whore.
And if u don't wanna see ppl come here and laugh at your ass then u'd better lock that post or delete or whatever u can do to just avoid ppl to laugh at your ass, cause they'll still come in here and laugh at your ass if u keep this shit open.
Have a good time, oh and next time u comment mention more details about dicks and hotdogs and how all those things are mixed, that's the only thing u're good at.
By anonymous at 22,Feb,11 05:39

Your starting to turn me on Venom... keep it cumming. lol.
By Venom at 22,Feb,11 14:57

and I assume u're another gay or probably the poster! yea no wonder why ppl associate "gay" to "tard", "dumb" or even "faggot" sometimes. when I review the urban dictionnary, it's most of the times: -Gay : a person who does something stupid, or inconveniant, also see : Idiot, Stupid, Numpty (ow British too). Well that made my day so many times
xD but whatever, I mean, my contempt has no limits, "keep it coming dumbs"
By anonymous at 23,Feb,11 04:11

OMG Venom, YOU are sooooo fucking thick. You can't even read a dictionary! BTW... I wrote your turning me on (A Survivor) Look forward to your next post and playing with myself. haha
By anonymous at 23,Feb,11 04:38

Hey V. I'm feeling quite horny and feel there is a chemistry between us. Hope to hear from you soon. xx
By anonymous at 23,Feb,11 04:02 Fold Up

I seriously worry for you...who says its natural for men and woman to be together and not for two men or two women to be together?
I am a straight woman in a relationship with my boyfriend of 4 yrs.
Why cant people like YOU VENOM just keep ur nose out of it? What has it got to do with you where other men are sticking there dicks??? As long as you know where yours is going then I dont see its any of your business??
Thats prob the issue here tho hey, maybe no one wants you or yours at all and thats why your being such a sad fuck and wasting people time being on here?? What are you actually doing on this site anyway in the first place????
Your "oh so perfect straight life" is not so oh so perfect in the first place it seems!
From a very happy straight lady who is more then happy to share my life with gays and lesbians.... and by the way Venom, you should be liking gays as it means theres more woman out there for you(not that i can imagine them all flocking at your feet with that stinky attitude of your!)
to the guy who wrote on xmas day, ignore people like Venom he aint worth worrying about...hes just a bitter and twisted hater!!
s x

By anonymous at 23,Feb,11 04:25

Oh and for your info Venom see below.....

as per english distionary the definition of the word GAY is

- Gay- 1-homosexual or for homosexuals 2-carefree abd merry, a gay temperament. 3-brightly coloured, brilliant, a gay hat. 4-given to pleasure, in social entertainment, a gay life

-Venom-1-a poisonous fluid secreted by snakes 2-malice spite, poison

As you can see from the above info being Gay is a lot nicer than being Venomous!!
xxx s x

By Venom at 23,Feb,11 04:56

A survivor, u don't need to play a girl lol, or a gay who's lookin for sex I know u can be anything u like in this site, but in my eyes u're still a stupid ass gay, and ofc in the eyes of anyone else besides YOU.
It's so easy to figure out, I mean look at the post times.
Next time get a better disguise, or tell u what ? just let some time between the two posts, cause quite frightly, u sound so messed up, nervous, I mean 4 posts the same time ? that's huge.
U'll need more than this to beat me, from ur sickeness I figured out u're playin the girl, and from ur sickeness I figured out u're playing the horny gay, I told u, Gays like urself are so predictable, I can even know who's gay and who's not by the looks of 'em
One last word, Miserable
go look at it in the urban dictionnary (btw URBAN makes a difference if u know what I mean)

Miserable : Lifeless, who feels guilty about something in his life he cannot change, see : lifeless, creepy.
Ow and about the word "GAY" in the urban dictionnary, forgot to mention all of it, a sec :
-Gay : 1-a person who does something stupid, or inconveniant, also see : Idiot, Stupid, Numpty
2-someone suffering of an mental disease letting him like people from the same sex
3-XVI century, gays were finish men dancers wearing women dresses to attract clients, also see : whore, bitch
Also there is something about lesbiennes i'm not gonna mention, buy a urban dictionnary, cause that shit sometimes makes our day, me and my gf xD
By Venom at 23,Feb,11 05:01

btw before I just forget, careful when u put those "XX" of urs, not every one uses them as a signature u know ?
Hahaha my god, ur so damn funny, can't just stop coming in here and laugh at your ass
Lookin forward for ur next post

By at 23,Feb,11 14:14

Thanks for some of your comments Venom, you do baffle me tho by thinking that I am one and the same as someone else who is entirley a different person to me? I truley am a woman, of 35 yrs old, my Fiance is 42 and we have been together for 4 yrs? As fur the xx's thats just me? I dont see what dictionary you are looking in? Anyway you may have time to waste on here but I have a life!!
Venom, I do hope that one day you turn into a nicer person!!
xxx s xxx

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