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Why is there so much pain in life?

Posted by Mizar at January 30, 2011
Tags: Health  2011 January  Poverty  Relationship  Stepdad

I don't know where to begin. It seems like life is nothing but a series of painful situations and I have had my share. My story reads like a movie sometimes. It started when I was a kid. My step father hated me. He beat me at times for no reason, but it worsened after I fell from the cliff. I didn't break anything but I did rupture my spleen. Didn't know it at the time but as the months went by I felt an ever growing pain in my left side. I would complain about it but I would be beaten and/or put to work to get me to shut up about it. Even breathing became difficult. After a year of pain I finally reached the point where I didn't care anymore what my step father did to me and I refused to do any more physical work. I even told him that I didn't care if he beat me because I already hurt too much and nothing he did would make it worse. My mother finally took me to a doctor and I was immediately hospitalized. They thought I had cancer, that it was a massive tumor, but it was an 18 pound blood clot in my abdomen that had pushed my organs to the right and up into my chest. That is why I had trouble breathing.

I married young. I wanted to get away from home but I also wanted to just have someone to love and be loved by. Never did I think that the beautiful woman I married could be such a monster. I was in the Navy then and every time I went to sea and came back I had to get my wife back from the arms of another. I also had to get her sober again. She started using hard core drugs and then got into satanism. Really, it is not a joke. Eventually things began happening at home that defied a logical explanation. To make matters worse, we had two children by that time and they had to suffer also. I finally gave up when the drug dealers threatened the children's lives and the satanism got so out of control I thought I was in a nightmare. I know most people don't believe in supernatural phenomena and I didn't either until I saw things that I could not explain. Things flying across the room, people doing things that didn't make sense, priests afraid to touch my wife, and many other things. I gave up. I got divorced and took the kids and ran. I tried to start over between nightmares, kids, and trying to pick up the pieces and make something of my life.

There was nothing left in my name. I had $200 and a beat up car. I went to Mississippi and hired on at Ingalls shipyard. I lived out of a motel room until I got my first pay check. I found a cheap apartment and the kids and I slept on the floor wrapped in a blanket until I was able to buy a sofa. It was a hide-a-bed sofa so we had a place to sleep. Things were hard. The kids were in daycare while I worked and I tried to give them the love and comfort they needed. I was a poor father. They suffered too much. As time went by I was eventually able to buy the kids a decent bed and was able to get a TV. My daughter by then was 5 and started school. She was so withdrawn at school that it broke my heart. She didn't make friends or interact with anyone. Around that time I started dating a little. I met Carol. She was good to my children and got them to open up a little. But it didn't last. I was afraid of commitment but didn't realized how attached Carol had gotten to me and the kids until she blew her brains out. I never got over that. She blamed it on me in a letter.

I didn't date for a couple years after that but finally met another woman. I loved her dearly. She didn't have the same commitment to me that I had to her. She hated my children and eventually made me choose between her and my kids. Well, this has been going on too long so I will cut it short. My daughter got cancer, I got divorced again, and then I had had enough and tried to overdose. I spent a time in ICU and much longer in psychiatric care. I'm not crazy, just tired of problems. So much more has happened that is not written here but I can't imagine it getting much worse. Why am I here? Is there peace in this life?


Similar Entries:
life sucks, pls help :( February 5, 2008
Death March 19, 2011
Sucks to me  December 1, 2011
lets face it January 22, 2011
Betrayal  March 4, 2012

New Comment

By anonymous at 27,Mar,11 22:13

I hope the children get better but you seem like you need to man up and deal. stop looking for salvation in women find it first in your strength of being a man your children's MAN. You have done a great job so get that wagon back upright and work. That's life and those children will love you and be just as strong as you. In the end there may be nothing, there may be heaven or hell but right now you have to work because you have two great kids who need you.
By anonymous at 03,May,11 22:21

easier.said than done. i hope you can find strength to be there for your child.

By anonymous at 03,Jun,11 16:43

This is one of the most fucked up stories I have ever read.

I think you should write fiction. You've got to have some insight into this world after your experiences.

By anonymous at 14,Aug,11 23:05

Yeah that story is pretty rough, I think you did a good job holding the shit together as a single father. You definately had a rough time that you didn't deserve but I think anonymous from 27th of march was right

Get that wagon back upright and get back to work, you were kicking ass just get your head back in the game, your kids need you.

By anonymous at 16,Nov,11 15:44

Yup this shit is pretty fucked up man. At least you had 3 women that found you attractive enough to spend time with you and date you.

You seem like you have an inner strength that has sustained you, you would have to be fairly strong to have made it as far as you have.

I commend you, I would have given up a long, long time ago.

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