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My life.

Posted by anonymous at March 12, 2011
Tags: Attitude  Family  Loneliness  2011 March  Philosophical

20 makes me a little young to vent so I will keep it short.

I have nothing. In 20 years I don't have even as much as a GED.

I was brutalized in all 3 of the high schools I went too, to the point where I had battled severe depression.

My parents are both devastated by near death experiences and are out of work for good.

My sister gets knocked up and keeps the kid here while she's off partying.

I'm the only person working in the entire household and every single cent I make is literally gone the day after I get it.

My car blew up, fine, couldn't afford insurance anyways.

And to top it all off, my girlfriend of 3 years cheated on me and left. Hell, who would want to stay with such a pathetic loser?

Out of 4 siblings, 2 of which are hard drug addicts, I am still somehow the worst off. WOW. LIFE HAS TO SUCK FOR THAT TO BE THE CASE.


I'm in constant pain all over my body and have started hallucinating. Crazy sleep paralysis keeps me awake out of fear of what I see. For those of you who don't know it's when your body goes paralyzed and you're awake but your brain is still in sleep mode. It feels too real to the point where I think I'm being attacked by spirits or something.

I don't have a SINGLE friend. In my entire life right now, nor have I had any in the last like 5 years. I have absolutely nobody to open up too or talk too. I work 50 hours a week, come home, give every cent I have (and I mean every cent.) And I TRY to get some sleep.

I have no game with girls. Like, at all. I'm not a freak at all, I just can't bring a girl to this house, nor do I have the balls to tell them how shitty my life is.

I'm so young but the rest of my youth is reserved for misery as I don't make near enough cash to move out nor can I leave my family in this situation and be able to sleep whatever I CAN at night peacefully. I have absolutely no plans for the future. I am literally day to day at a SUPER dead end job (a popular fast food place.) Making 7.50 an hour. No hope. No way out. No window to even LOOK out of. I'm trapped, I'm in bondage. I am in a cell, waiting to die. I don't have the balls to off my own top, nor do I have the courage to go push a gang banger in a night club to have them do it for me.

I keep praying. I tell God I say, "Lord, heck I'm probably wasting my breath but if you're as great as I was raised to think you are, get me out of here!!!" And my answer? Nothing. I know somehow, someday it will get better but. Ohhh boy it just feels like forever. It feels like.. Look. You all think I wanted this? No. I wanted to be the sports guy who scores the winning goal at the state finals, I wanted to have sex with as many girls as possible, I wanted to backpack Europe and go to Africa! I wanted to go to Australia and I wanted to get married and I wanted to help the homeless, I wanted to pass out the blankets and bibles and cans of food. I WANT to leave an impression on this planet when I'm gone, a legacy for whatever children I might have one day. But lord I don't care. I don't need a woman. I don't need sex, I don't need to see the world, I don't need to make a lot of money or move out or help people.. I just want to be happy. What I would give to be happy.


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Comments:
By anonymous at 25,Mar,11 10:31

Well that's life for ya. Yes indeed.


By anonymous at 25,Mar,11 11:36

Never give up, you are a good person, one day things will change.


By anonymous at 25,Mar,11 15:20

wow...


By anonymous at 25,Mar,11 21:58

Jesus Christ and the Bible are your only answer. Read the Bible- start in the New Testament and read on. email me if you need advice- yanconeb@yahoo.com


By anonymous at 26,Mar,11 05:27

well you can ask help from de addiction centre to cure
your's sibling's addictio n and if your sister's who always go for party that she should sometime do a part time
job just to keep everything run smoothly. Don't worry save some money invest in some bond or put in a saving's account.


By anonymous at 26,Mar,11 12:33

I'm almost in the same boat. I'm a guy about the same age as you. People are vicious out there. They talk behind your back and spread rumours so much that they could care less who they hurt. See, it started for me with a single rumor.


By anonymous at 26,Mar,11 20:16

i will be praying for you!!! i am sooo sorry. email me at victoriacain366@yahoo.com. god isthe answer!


By anonymous at 27,Mar,11 00:20

Keep it up and you will be rewarded greatly for your efforts! You are a hood person think of how much good you do for those around you. I am sorry to hear that you are in pain but I hope things get better for you soon :)


By anonymous at 27,Mar,11 00:46

I really love your last paragraph. Your prose is lovely. I have done some of things that you mentioned. I'm older but not necessarily wiser. I have two children, over 60k in debt from completing law school. Guess what I couldnt get 10/hour job because I didn't have childcare. The good thing about being a man is that there are alot of lonely women. I have been sexless over a year waiting for my husband. The virtuous women are virtually praying your exact same prayer. Your youth is an awesome advantage. Without sex guess what no one is getting pregnant. It will be easy for you to travel to Australia (I lived in Fenner Hall) for an exchange program when I was in my twenties. You have time but use some Proverbs wisdom. Don't let everyone know your business about your money. Let your family help themselves. YOU have got to get out. THere was a guy who like me a decade ago; he was born in July and had a great heart. He destroyed his credit cosigning cars and a house for his mom. A decade later this boy is unhappy because inspite all of his money and diminished FICO score his family is still the same. You have to love them from a distance. Live life and one day you'll be like me wishing you were still in your twenties. Some people raising families would feel ashamed but they would secretly work a job like your job. I don't feel like praying because God doesn't seem to help me like I want and need him too. But for you I pray that something happens soon that gives you a great peace that helps you keep going.


By anonymous at 01,Apr,11 08:14

Doesnt the government pay your parents money if they cant work? You should look into that. In my country (Australia) people who cant (or just dont want to) work get paid each fortnight from the government.


By anonymous at 01,Apr,11 17:14

hi, read your story and yes life sucks, however it beats death and if you forget all the shit you are going through then just think of one thing and one thing only, when you wake up in the morning and you look up into the sky and you see that yellow ball of fire up there and you look at the green grass and the water and everything in nature try to think that i am alive and remember there is no god this is it, i breath, i think that everyone wants to be alive and happy but there were no rules you were born where you are and you have to make the best of it the world we all want at this moment it does not exist but all the millions who have gone before us all wanted the same, personally if i were you i would go and find a life for yourself because it is the only life you have so go and make whatever life you can for you cos you only get one chance and you have to make the most of the life you have got hope life gets better


By anonymous at 02,Apr,11 17:35

You need to ditch that family of yours.
Just don't give them money.
move out when you can.
When you can afford it, engage in activities that will help you meet people.
Self explanatory from there.


By at 26,Nov,11 09:41

Is that really all there is to it because that'd be flabbergasitng.


By top seo guys at 25,Oct,13 18:06

EvTD5e Very neat blog.Much thanks again.


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