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Shame

Posted by anonymous at March 21, 2011
Tags: Juvenile problems  Loneliness  2011 March

I am effeminate and gay. I am 6'6" tall, 200 Ibs, out of shape, 20 years old, and horribly ashamed. When I started school as a child, it quickly became clear to me that I was far worse than the other children. I remember taunts that were given to me several times daily. I talked like a girl, and I wasn't one to completely avoid a barbie or two, if i was given the chance. By first grade, when summoned to spell, I could only whisper fearfully. This angered my teacher and she would tell me to speak up. This was even more humiliating, a double whammy. Years crept by, and nothing changed except for my height. I was always monstrously taller than my classmates, with an odd, protruding belly. One thing was clear, they all hated me. I was constantly ridiculed for years, and it made me hate them. There was me, and there was them. No us. I never wanted anyone to notice me, and this was difficult because I was huge. I hardly spoke, and if I did, my words were mousy, unsure, ladylike, and often made fun of. I would explore other realms to cope. Television, my own imagination, but most of all, video games. They were my best friend. I would wander through them for hours, loving that I was somewhere else. My fantasy world at home didn't have room for the horrors of school, so I rarely did homework and thus, received terrible grades. Because I was so starved for company, I would attach myself to my year younger sister. I would beg to spend time with her, to please please let me into her room and see her, but she refused. Her nerves were shattered by how needy and obnoxious I was, so she treated me badly. She would use me for favors, but coldly dismiss me when I wasn't of use to her. To this day, she manipulates me like dough. She and her friends tried their best to exclude me from their giggly functions. Sometimes they would let me join, but always begrudgingly. This made me feel like waste. In my small, private, catholic church school, I continued to grow up with the same 50 classmates without ever befriending them. I feared them, even. I was always known as the fat, sloppy, gay, weird guy who never did his homework, never talked, was obsessed with his little sister, and had absolutely no friends. ~~to be continued


Votes:


Similar Entries:
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Ultimate Loner/Loser Girl March 26, 2012
Shame about life February 22, 2011
this life is hell September 14, 2011
I want to die May 27, 2011



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Comments:
By Martin1987 at 31,Mar,11 12:46

I know that you won't believe me but I had a boyfriend that was very similar like you. He was very tall like you, he was effeminate, had a belly and he was shy like you. The only difference between you two that he was 17 years old. He was also shy and had some problems with his family. We broke up in 2008 and I still feel sad because I'm not with him. My advice to you would be : accept what you are and in time you will find a suitable boyfriend who will love you the way you are.


By anonymous at 01,Apr,11 07:45

What does effeminate mean? At least you know big words
By Martin1987 at 01,Apr,11 08:51

Effeminate means that he moves and talks in a girly way


By anonymous at 01,Apr,11 19:57

If you aren't happy with your looks you should start eating a healthy diet and working out. A big belly means your not eating properly. #2 You need to get a social circle outside of your sister and get your own friends. Do you have a gay & lesbian club at your school, I would start there. One of your issues seems to be the fact that you're gay, so you should meet some people who share this characteristic with you. Confidence is key; work on your confidence and you'll be OK. Good luck.


By anonymous at 02,Apr,11 15:24

I wish I was 6'6" and 200 lbs.


By anonymous at 04,Apr,11 07:21

kill yourself. Death is the only way out.
By anonymous at 04,Apr,11 19:11

Out from what?
By anonymous at 27,Apr,11 11:04 Fold Up

nah, death is a cowards way. no matter what happens, you must learn to let go of the past, for it does not defines you. you define yourself. what have you got to lose if you try this? try to think "hey, what if for a day, i just don't give a fuck"-like it was your last day. than you could do whatever you wanted :)


By anonymous at 27,Apr,11 18:38

I know a man who is gay, about 6', and a big guy physically. And he's big in other ways: he's kind, interesting and interested in life and experiences that are new. He's travelled, and educated himself. He has a loving partner, a successful business, and memories of a hard past. He played with barbies too. He's one of the niceset people I know. Things will get better. truly.


By anonymous at 29,Apr,11 20:50

life really sucks for u. But it's all about making friends and your appearance, that's all! I am worse..I have been through all sorts of illness and spiritual attacks and I am only 16. For example, I have SEVERE teen depression when I was 15, psychotic disorder,borderline personality disorder and an extreme loner. And then I was possessed and was nearly sent to the police station for being violent and murderous. Yeah you could think of how scary it was...


By Amelia at 23,Jul,11 06:25

Ah yes, nicley put, everyone.


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By Buy oem Software at 11,Feb,12 23:57

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