Falling in love with Jesus was the song that I sang as I fasted before I married my husband. I can still remember dating some SEXY men; living GOD's word refusing to compromise. I can still remember not turning back to the bisexual lifestyle where women gave me what felt like the love that no man was willing to share EXCLUSIVELY. God I even prayed on the way to our wedding. If this shouldn't happen God you stop it from happening. My husband preaches in prison not as a pastor but as a convicted sexual offender. I am raising the children. My degrees mean nothing as we live if you want to call it that off of the help from the church that's less than a teenagers weekly wages. Help from the church that less than the tithes that we paid; the STOREHOUSES ARE only open for some. I feel like a fool. I could've guarded my heart from him by indulging in freaky fun! I don't want to go back to some of the things that I used to do BUT some of my activities brought me pleasure. I am not a happy Christian. I don't want to turn to food. I don't want to turn to bitterness. Don't tell me to fast, pray or read my bible; IT HAS NOT WORKED FOR MY FAMILY. THe seeds I've sown without boasting (bc then that's your reward) appear to have returned void. Even as I try to be my most cynical secretly I am hoping that God hears me. Secretly thinking will God see that I can't bear anymore. Secretly hoping that I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me. Without God nothing makes since. What is the point? Other than feeding my children, teaching them, tending to their needs; what is the point of anything.
I don't have friends. My family resents me they think that b/c of my past successes that I think I'm better/smarter etc. Me the girl that tried to kill herself so long ago. Me the girl that thinks so lowly of herself. I live with my children in a home where relatives abuse drugs. These relatives lie, cheat and steal. They blow money quicker then they can get it. They don't use proverbs type wisdom yet they utter the lord blessed me. In the hood even "Christians" send more money to the brother in prison then the sister in graduate school. Why is my life so .... I have tried to have that mustard seed type faith; praying for my husbands life/healing/salvation/release. Then I felt like a pathetic fool. I have prayed to break the poverty. I spoke life into so many positive things for others. I volunteered for others that are reaping financial benefits. I think I should take a vow of silence. I speak and other take the idea, twist it add a few lies or possible criminal activity and they thrive. I try to take the gifts that "God" has given me not to bury my talons ...... but the same results failure. I entire high demand fields and suddently those fields experience layoffs. I have over 4 professional (licenses and degree) and yet I have never held a job over 6 months. I try so hard to please bosses that they smell how pathetic I am and then they walk all over me until I am almost on the verge of a mental break down or shooting spree. Why shouldn't I use this million dollar mind I do what AMERICA allows me to do (no practice law or teach) but committ the perfect "victimless" crime. There is corporate welfare my degrees have paid the state. The University where I was recognized via awards and scholarships won't even allow me to get an entry level job. Why research employers, companies, select the perfect power suit when I walk in my black face produces excuses. Or if my interviewer is a woman or another minority I have to dumb down my accomplishments. I am supposed to let the light shine that keeps being blown out by rejection. Am supposed to make lemonade out of lifes lemons when salt keeps getting thrown into the pitcher? My life sucks but I can't kill myself b/c there just might be a worse experience! My daughers would get a social security check but my trifling relatives I'd have to draft a trust and assign a trustee. Reality is black children aren't being quickly adopted in America. Supply and demand; black hasn't made a comeback. As a black woman Asian men, white men, black men have all only seen me as a temporary sexual object but nothing more. My mom admittedly was a whore. Women in my family have married pedophiles, "possible" bisexual men, abusers and drug users. I need to believe that I can raise daughters differently. I have tried to combine faith and works and ended up in the same dead end where I started. But now I have children that must be a priority. I was never pregnant b4 marriage. I thought one day I'll have a huge family with birth and adoptive children. I thought God gave me this love for children early on to be a blessing. Now I feel like a inadequate mother because my children don't even have a bed. Me and my babies sleep on a coach. America has all this nonprofit organizations stealing from the poor. Nonprofit executive making over 100,000 just like the pimping *called not chosen pastors. Nonprofits refer family members and friends while clients that need help are denied. I have met some nasty community/nonprofit people. At one church that I went to for help with diapers the volunteer asked how do you pay your bills (this was weeks b4 my eviction) I was in a state of being grateful saying, "God makes a way." She kept asking me the same question until I let the white b break me. I cried. I showed weakness. I'm tired of being first in line and people of other races overlook me an the worker comes quickly to help them. I am tired of being equally or more qualified and being denied a career opportunity bc of sexism and racism. I am tired of Christians saying God will make a way when their selfish asses have the means or the ability to help! I so tired of giving God credit for the little good things that happe when there is so much bs. My girl cousins that were raped introduced me to homosexuality. God didn't stop that crap. So why shouldn't I respond to the emails from an ex-girlfried. With her my life was better. We worked as a team. Oh God cares about whose bt my legs but he didn't care enough to stop the children that have been raped... It doesn't add up but I don't understand gravity but I make decisions believing in concepts that I don't understand. AM I CRAZY can I get a disability check? A dr. who knew me for about 10 minutes prescribed Prozac. should I have taken the Prozac. should i go to a psychiatrist and just take legal meds its how others temporarily escape. Oh I'm a Christian let me just go pray the pain away and of course between fasting like I'll eat chocolate to satisfy my oral cravings as the cobb webbs continue to grow bt my legs No woman, no man, no self satisfaction, no vibrators. Virtuous woman like Bynum alone like Paul was he gay and repressing his true desire? god will send some wonderful bipolar person when they are not manic or taking there meds and ALL of sudden I will know my purpose. All of a sudden my life will suck less and I will write to update everyone To be continued..... | |
Second, about the career... I'm a black female as well and this thing about you walking into interviews and getting automatically rejected because you're black and a woman is another excuse. Don't get me wrong you have some valid points. I'm very well put together, college educated, etc. and attractive. So there have been times when a female has been interviewing me and I could tell she was more interested in the diamonds in my ears or my coach bag, instead of what I was saying. But overall, a talented, educated, black woman who is qualified can definitely succeed. Does it take more work for us than others, yes! I totally agree. But you have to keep going on interviews and impressing the mess out of WHOEVER is sitting across from you until that door finally opens. For me no is not an option. I know that with my skills, education and how I carry myself it's only a matter of time before I get another job whenever I'm laid off (and yes I've experienced that as well).
Bsically, you just have to make the best of what you have in life. I am single because I refuse to settle for a convicted felon, someone with no job, etc. And furthermore a man will only use you as a sexual object if you allow him to. Those men who lust over me but cannot offer me the commitment I seek get rejected very quickly. I'm 31 years old, single, own my own home, car, etc. I'd rather be single then settle, but I do date. When I date its on my terms; I'm the best and I'm looking for the best- that's hard to find. I'm still waiting on a man who will live up to my standards. You don't lower your standards to be with a man, you make the man reach your standards.
Good luck and God Bless.
I thought about suicide since, I am not socially viable and any male with a little height is seen as such as attractive catch while I stand 5' 6" and have been rejected for every reason possible. Yet, I am stronger, faster, smarter, more ambitious, resilient, stable, seeking commitment, etc. then most people walking but I'm short so not a viable option?
There is book called Consolodation of Philosophy that may help that talks about the ills of what we go through, it may help.
I do not believe in the myth of Jesus Christ, it is mostly for people who need something to lean on but as I grew up poor, seen more violence than most will, had to deal with sociological issues that most will never have to deal with, and am perversely distance from typical Americans in terms of education and looks ... I thought about suicide but this is a product of not matching any of societies values. When you realize that society is lazy, scared, unambitious, addictive, coniving, deceiving, etc. I take solice in knowing that as the days pass ... I am becoming less and less attached to the perspective of the social norm and can take strength in the separation ...
Go get yours girl ... society beliefs and Jesus are just myths to keep incompetent people up and hold strong one's down.
I AM A SANE PERSON AND I HAVE ACTUALLY SEEN NUMEROUS "NON-HUMAN EVIL SPIRITS" LURKING ON THIS WORLD AND THEIR WRONG DOINGS ENOUGH TO CONVINCE ME HE(JESUS)DOES EXIST!
PLEASE LET GOD SAVE YOU...
IN JESUS NAME AMEN
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