I do not have a bad life persay, I'm just sad almost all of the time. Sometimes I can pinpoint a reason, othertimes I can't. Just bedriddenly depressed for no reason. I wouldn't call myself a drug addict, but I will do whatever I can get my hands on. This has cost me a lot of time and freedom and yet I still use regularly. I mean without it, my life is almost unbareable. I was with this one girl, named MacKenzie for a long time, she was my everything, and I know how pittiful it is when your general happiness and well-being is dependant on another person...but that's honestly what it is. One night I was piss drunk and sent a flirty (not suggestive, just flirty) text to her friend. She left me the week after that. I've cried almost every day since then, it's been a few months. I still see her everyday, we are in the same theatre troop. Everyday I have to hide myself away, and be so reclusive just because I know if her and I were to have a conversation I would break down into tears (it's happened like 4 times)
Every day I wake up with nothing but the memory of what I used to have. I used to wake up every morning with a smile, either I would send her a text wishing her a goodmorning, or she would send me one (depending on who woke up first) now I wake up dreading the day I have ahead, a day with no job, few friends, a drug habit with no money to support it, and above all I am so alone. I've never felt more alone and distant as I have in the past few months, but I've felt alone and distant for most of my life.
I've tried to kill myself twice, the first time I pussed out the second time I've failed. I am a dissapointment to myself and everyone around me.
I don't know why I can't get over Kenzie, I've tried so hard not to think about her, but I can't get away, I can't stop missing her. I've had girlfriends and casual hookups since then, but even with these other girls...I still need her.
Pathetic right? | |
What I'm trying to say is.. it's understandable that you miss her so much, but you need to start living a new life now. Past is over. You've lost her. Come on!! There is so much more in life.. Work on your career, do something constructive to distract your mind off her, and I'm sure eventually another girl will come along, who will make happy for real and make all the hurt in past go away. Patience, my friend.
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