First of all i'm 16 years old which to most readers might seem ridiculous,the fact that someone my age can cry how her life sucks b when she hadn't really lived much but please read the rest and you might understand the way i feel.
I was born in a war-infected country and survived stuff like bombing and so on at the age of 3,i lived in building basements,attics and so on most of my earliest childhood which led me to have pneumonia and some other infective diseases which led me to have a very weak immune system to this day.But this honestly was the happiest time of my life, if that makes any sence,it was the only time in my life when i had at least some attention from my parents and was acutally carefree.My mother is mentaly sick and was treated a few times though unsuccesfully,she never wanted me born nor the rest of my family,which they keep telling me every single time i do anything wrong,FOr an example when i was about 4 years old i accidentally tripped over a stone on the street and hurt my self badly,my mother as soon as she had seen me started kicking me on the floor,yelling and insulting me.After that they had to take me to the hospital 'cause i couldnt get up from the pain.She constatnly criticised the way I look and called me ugly and fat since i have the ability to remember.My father was never around and when he was never did pay much attention to me neither.I have an elder broter which my parents love and adore and would always buy him everything and give him anything he wants,he used to beat me and break all the the little amount of toys i would get from the red cross and when i would complain to my parents they would beat the crap out of me for as they called it: boring them.Even now when i complain about something to my mom she starts yelling and pretednong that i am hitting and insulting her even when i'm just standing there and starts kicking me or telling me horrible insults.I'm a very good student at school which they never appreciated and always yell at me becuase i am not at the best in my class even thought i'm like 4th or 3th especially knowing that mostly rich kids go there,whose parents or professors,but to be honest,i never found satisfication in grades,an A stopped making me happy since i was 8 :( somehow the irony of life wanted me ot be bullied at school as well,logically since from all the critis i could get there's no way i could be a strong person ready to fight back.I never had many friends only one best friend actually but again the irony of life played it's role and she ended up moving into another town where she found many new friends,and althought she didnt forget about me,still we see each other nearly never.Other than that,i am quite ugly( i have a very small chin and fat cheeks which makes my face look like a full moon),and have extremely oily skin and hair which kind of doesnt let me put on make up on my face because in just an hour it would all melt and my face will look like a melted ice cream cake,this ofc didnt go unoticed in my school and i was insulted about my looks since the first day of school till this day now.Teachers hate me as well and my headtacher even told me openly that she doesnt like me becuase i'm just too dull and boring,which i guess is true,that would probably explain why nobdoy likes me.Though many people told me i was a fun and interesting person but just weird,too shy and that i talk and walk akwardly.Also i have no dressing stlye nor taste in clothes,don't know why that is,did i mention i suck at sports?Also i have this weird luck that whatever i would daydream about would happend to my "friends" instead of me for example i dreamt that the music teacher would notice my somewhat singing talent while we were singing some song while she plays the piano.MY firend sang out there and the teacher told her everythign i have always imagined she'd tell me,thoguht when it was my turn i got a panic attack and the whole class laughed at me and the teacher tired to be nice and said how some people arent just simply talented in some fields( i wont mention that i had a huge dream of becoming a singer 'cause it all seems pointless now),also i had a huge crush on a boy from my class and i'd use to imagine us hugging in the hallway and him telling me nice stuff,but today i was completely shocked that i heard those exact words i imagined in my head, him telling my other "friend" and hugging her and to find out from other people that they got in e relationship even though she knew i had a crush on him while i was sick and away from school!Anyways what hurts me the most in my whole life is the fact that i've never been loved by anyone and that i am and was truly a waste of space as i was told directly both from family,classmates even teachers.Every single night before i go to bed i sing in my self the song Bye,bye blackbird and hope that i won't wake up the next morning.I just odn't understand what i've done wrong, i know i'm a good person i helped people whenever i could and i smiled and cheered them up even when all i wanted atm is to cry,but no i was just born to be hated i guess.If somebdy could give any advice i would really appreciate it before i sing goodbye but this time for real. | |
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