LIFE SUCKS

Giving up

I know there's something wrong with me. I must be retarded or autistic or borderline or something because I feel so different from everyone else. Life sucks and god and everyone else in the world most certainly hate me with a fiery passion. Had a horrible childhood with a pedophile for a father and developed depression at a young age, which led to the chronic use of marijuana, alcohol and sex by age 16. A few years later when I was 19 there was a short period when I involuntarily went sober from all substances and this is when I underwent a brief psychotic episode where I ended up slitting my wrists and scarring myself for life. Afterward I was so ashamed that I felt I didn't deserve to live, and so I bought a gun thinking I'd blow my brains out, but at the last second realized I still had a small amount of money left so I thought I'd gamble what little I had left playing poker so I could have the luxury of dying penniless.

Sadly my initial plan was thwarted as I won back to back to back tournaments and now I've never been richer and have all the weed and alcohol I could ask for. I'm still miserable and depressed and incapable of developing a meaningful relationship with anyone, but at the same time I don't know what it is that I need to make things better. I would ask for help but lets face it... Friends, family and professionals are all so fucking useless! The only person you can depend on is you.