My life sucks, because I am incredibly alone. Its hard to go into everything painful that happened in my life. The main traumas were, my brother had anal sex with me when I was a kid, because our babysitter abused him while she locked me in my room. My mother was never all there. She was very cold and abrasive. She didn't cook or clean or read to us or do any touches to the house to make it a home. My father was an alcoholic. They had really bad fights that got loud and physical everyday. Once my father almost killed my mother. When I was 10 and 11 my mother had two more kids. She was cheating on my dad and my dad was at his worse violence and alcoholism too. They divorced and then, my father left. My mother worked nights so everyday after school, I would try to take care of my baby brother and sister. But we lived in a bad neighborhood. We were terrorized, because kids and parents alike knew we had no-one to defend us, They beat the crap out of my baby brother and sister for no reason, other than the fact we were the only white people or maybe it was just the fact we were, like I said, defenseless. I would try to chase after them but they ran away, so I tried to keep my brother and sister inside, but it was too chaotic and hard on me, because I was 13 when I started caring for them full time. The sexual abuse was already eating away at me (and the fact as a child we moved every year, so I didn't have any foundation, or friends.) On top of that we dressed poor. My mother never treated me better. She always put me down, and told me I was going to hell. It was an exceedingly difficult childhood. I met a kid that used me for sex. He got me into drugs which was somewhat of an escape but mind you I only tried a few things, most of the time I spent wishing I had drugs and smoking some pot. He was all I had, all he wanted to do was fuck me and it was terrible, he had hanging fat and stretchmarks and huge nipples, it was repulsive and he was terrible and insensitive when it came to sex. It made me cry. He always tried to have sex with me, even when I had troubles that all he wanted me for and expected it, so he would rent hotels so I would be sorta forced to. I tried to break up so many times, but he would prey upon how destitute I was and remind me of it. I did break it off eventually, but he never spoke to me again after a while, in fact he ditched me in a far off city and I had to hitchhike home. He didn't want to sit in the car and talk to me, while we were waiting for my appointment. He wanted to stand outside the car. I just wanted him to talk to me. It fucked me up for many years, because I had believed that he truly loved me, but it was all a terrible lie. His family didn't like me because I wasn't social. I got far less presents than his brothers gf every Christmas, it was very embarrassing. I didn't know or learn how to be social. Laughing and small talk didn't come easy for me. Some people would say that I ought to look people in the eyes, but if I did that, they would be the ones that felt uncomfortable. I would make people uncomfortable when they talked to me, so I never got hired anywhere. I was pressed to go to college, my mother threatened to throw me out on the street. I was always pressured to do things. I never got to live my own life. I was never free from stress. Eventually I needed to leave because my mother was abusing me psychologically and threatening to kick me out, I knew I wasn't welcome and I was afraid to be on the streets. You have to understand my mother never said anything nice to me, except once, when she thought the virgin mary told her to. She always put me down and sometimes it cut deep. I hooked up with a guy I wasn't into at all, so he could take care of me, because I have so much anxiety that I suffer from self sabotage, where .. well I will refrain from going further, its very painful to go in depth . I almost felt possessed. I didn't want to go on disability. I can't sell my abuse for money. Its not something I'm going to discuss for a check. Since I moved to another country, my little bro doesn't talk to me anymore because my mother has brainwashed him that I'm terrible cuz I "suck dick for money" and my sister hardly responds. I have no friends, Ive never had love or good sex and I feel terribly alone. The weather where I live is always rainy and cold. I feel insanely depressed and out of shape. My heart is so broke that I can't sleep at night.