It really is sickening, reading through all of these stories, getting a glimpse at how many of us truly are alone. I feel for all of you, and I am sorry the majority of people have lost common decency... I am twenty-one years of age, and I am very alone in this world, both involuntarily, and by choice. I'll explain what I mean. Much alike all of you, I had a terrible upbringing--my mom working all day, every day, my dad abusing my four siblings and myself, physically, mentally, emotionally. Day in, day out, I was abused. Beaten for petty reasons, like not walking home a mile from my friends, just to find the television remote for my dad, or not making him coffee, or speaking up against his onslaught of abusive, manipulate behaviors. I have chosen, since adulthood, to distance myself from my family. My siblings all care for each other, but they are so messed up that they can't properly take care of themselves, let alone help one of us out, in dire need. I haven't talked to my parents in ages. I ignore their calls, delete their text messages, and block them from my mind as best I can. Life outside of the home was always great. I always maintained a mass-group of close-knit friends; I was the 'popular' kid in school, always dated the best looking girls in school, always went to parties, and everyone wanted to be around me. I am good-looking, physically fit, with a high IQ and have many hobbies--writing being one of those hobbies. After I graduated, I got a job, and moved out of my mom's house six months later. I dedicated myself to work, because I wanted to be able to provide for my family, once I had one, due to the fact that I lived in poverty all of my life. My closest friend shipped out to the Marines after high school, and life began to deteriorate from there. My social life collapsed. I lost all of my friends, and went into recluse mode. My depression, anxieties, paranoia, which I have blocked out all of my life, have come back in full force. The girl I was engaged to, beautiful, intelligent, family-oriented, cheated on me with a guy that everyone says was a 'few rungs down' on the ladder than myself. He can't maintain a job, he drives his parents car, he has a kid, which he signed over to his mother to take care of, and has another one on the way with a person he barely knows. He is dirty, unkempt, a drug addict, and constantly in trouble with the law. But wait. She cheated on me, with him. Why? I must be all of these things, and then some more--is what I ground into my head for a few months after our separation. I didn't renew the lease on my apartment, and moved in with a friend. The only thing my ex had 'allowed' me to keep was my bed, my dresser, and my clothes. Everything else, despite the fact I purchased them before I met her, was taken from me, including my dearest friend, my dog. My ex was the only person that was ever there for me, my best friend, my light in the darkness, my soul-mate. And I was cast into further darkness. Those warped thoughts and opinions, always residing in the dark recesses of my mind came out. I now live a life, without a friend, my roommate just a landlord, my family so distant and unknown to me. I am a severely depressed, broken young man with naught but a few stories and quotes to hold to my name of the success I have had in life. How could I have fallen so far? I am a genuine person, I put peoples needs, even strangers needs, ahead of my own. I care for even the random stranger that sits by themselves, or looks to be having a bad day. I go out of my way to make friends with anyone and everyone. Yet, at the end of the day, I just get taken advantage of. Where are you, genuine people? Where are you, kind-hearted people? Where are you, my real friends? I wish so desperately to pull down this mask I wear upon my visage, and drop this facade of being happy. I am just so tired... | |
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