People always tell me "Dont give up, life gets better..." blahblahblah. Ever since 5th grade of been hearing that. Yah, its a load of shit. Life never gets better.
First off, I get EVERYTHING I want from my mom. Cell phone, laptop, $3,000's a year for cheerleading, ect.
-But with everything I want.. theres never happieness.
My father (who was 40) left my mother for a girl, yes I said girl, not woman. Who was 17yrs old. My sister was 15. You can only imagen the feeling of knowing your father is a pervert whos having sex with someone old enough to be my sister. My friends werent aloud around me. People refused to come over.
-Do you know what its like walking through the hallways by yourself, eating lunch alone, being the only person in your class who doesnt talk cus you dont have one single friend. But the friends you do have treat you like shit.. like your nothing. And its not like you can just get new friends when your me. Im weird, ugly, fat, annoying, loud, stupid, lazy, ect. I cant change who I am, its how God made me. Yes, i hav tried. Many times, and I think becuase ive tried so hard.. everythings worse. Ive tried fitting into all the new cliques, or the styles and what not. But ive still never been good enough. For anyone.
- I would do ANYTHING for a boyfriend.. for a guy to even look at me... Give me attention instead of my bestfriend. Tell me im something more than a hideous fat bitch.. Having someone love me would help with about everything.. wouldnt it?
-So... you have a sister... abrother and anotha. (2brothers.) and a dad..
yes the same disgusting old man from the beggining. Well that dad is taking away those brothers and that sister of mmine. He has offerd them to move into his perfect little home with him and his now 22yr old girlfriend. But wait... why didnt he ask me? why am I again the only one left behind, the one people dont care enough about to look back too. Mhm,, idk either....
-But the thing that pushes me to the point where i cant even stand to live... is my mom... I love her... so much. Ive never loved anyone so much. She was my hero, id do anything to make her happy. So, how can someone I love so much.. hate me so bad. Idk what i did to make her feel the way she does but id do anything to fix it. Today.. She said "You're dead too me."
You dont have any idea what it feels like to hear that from someone you love so much.................. I said some stupid things to her, and now.. she may never speak to me again.
i just wanna know..
What did I do to deserve this?
Why is this happening to me?
How do i make everything better?
i dont know what to do anymore.... | |
Let's start from the beginning. The roles may be reversed sooner or later in your father's life. He wanted someone young, well It MAY come into play that his girlfriend may want someone younger too because your father is not going to be able to keep up with a younger partner, so she may give up and find someone else, you never know. Plus I’m sure deep down she probably doesn’t want these kids to move in and have to worry about providing or putting up with someone else's kids. So her life may not be as glamorous.
Do i know what it is like going through hallways alone, eating lunch alone and having no one to talk to? YES!! 7th grade was my worse year ever because...well something more personal happened, but to make matters worse, i had NO friends that year. all the friends i had abandoned me, didn’t even call to see how i was doing. I had no friends! NONE! NONE! i cried almost every week, wrote myself death letters, everything! i didn’t eat lunch because it was embarrassing eating alone, but it was also more embarrassing standing alone waiting for lunch to be over, so in a way, i should have just ate anyway. My 7th grade days are very cloudy and dark. i can Hardly remember anything and that’s how i am with depression, i can't remember any of those dark days but at the same time, why would i want to remember?
Friends who treated me like crap, i always let them walk out of my life and i cut my losses from them because i had TOO much respect for myself. you do not need fake people in your life to poison your feelings. Just because they are the only friends that you have, doesn’t mean that’s a good excuse to keep them just because its hard to make other friends. You let them go or distance yourself or they will only make you feel worse. You want people who are going to treat you better and respect and love who you are and have always been. Let those fake friends go!! it is MUCH better to be a loner then to be with those who don't respect you.
"I’m weird, ugly, fat, annoying, loud, stupid, lazy, ect."
WHY do you say such negative things about yourself? you ever wonder why you don't have good friends who respect you? its because you don't respect yourself. You put yourself down, you don't believe in yourself, you feel sorry for yourself all the time and as a result, you only draw people who don't respect your either, hint = your so-called friends. And that’s another point i wanted to bring up. YOU LET people treat you like crap, which PROVES that you don’t love yourself enough to tell them to back off and separate from them.
Its okay to be able to want to fit in with cliques or try out new styles, but it's another thing to be desperate. do you REALLY think that if you were to be accepted, that this is what is going to make you happy? these kids will probably make you do things, act a certain way and dress in a way that you do not like just to fit in. You also mentioned that you've tried to change yourself. Maybe you are trying too hard instead of being steady and patient. you've called yourself fat twice which tells me that this is something you REALLY don't like about yourself. Start on your weight first. get a physical trainer or ask around for tips. don't eat fatty foods anymore and be more active. You've tried before, so try again!
"I would do ANYTHING for a boyfriend.. for a guy to even look at me..."
You don't WANT to do that. again, you’re desperate! This is where girls go wrong in schools. they do ANYTHING for their boyfriends and in result, they get hurt. Falling in love in school is not what it's cracked up to be. for one, people Do date each other for the wrong reasons, i mean you guys are KIDS, how do you know what love is? yes some may be maturer than others. but 8 out of 10 a guy wants to be with you to get down and dirty. teens are the horniest creatures on the planet. So please, SLOW down when it comes to love. you are young and have plenty of time to have a boyfriend. it is better to have a boyfriend when you are MUCH older and maturer. Also, you shouldn’t have one anyway if feel this pathetic about yourself.
What i would try and do is write your mom a warm-hearted letter. Let her know how you feel. explain to her what you just told us and just pour your heart out. Don't yell, don't curse, or write anything that may offend her, just let her know how you've been feeling and WHAT has been making you feel worse. i don’t think she knows the pain you are going through. Maybe this will wake her up because a mother should never say "you are dead to me" that is just really wrong!
There are two things you can do for yourself, either keep putting yourself down or change yourself.
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