My son was my life...I was never a helicopter parent, but I nurtured him and loved him as best as I could and according to his cues as he grew into young adulthood and seemed to be sensible, capable and trustworthy. This spring my heart was ripped out of my chest...my barely 20 yr old son took his own life. I am in shock. I am now questioning everything that I thought was true and that had value in my life. For example...I've always had a job, but never got too immersed in my career..I thought I was a good mother...that was the only thing that I really thought I was good at actually...now i'm left wondering: was my whole life, who I thought my son was, what I thought I was, all an illusion, a lie that I told myself?? On top of that I'm filled with sorry every day and guilt too..i wonder, and in retrospect see signs..they aren't obvious but they ARE there. and i think why the fuck didn't i be a nosy mom, why the fuck didn't i save him!? I used to talk and joke with younger parents..now I feel that I am horrible, inept and don't have any right to give advice or guidance..my child killed himself. i feel like others are judging me..what the hell did she do to fuck him up that badly?? it hurts too that i was always so proud and happy to talk about my kid but i feel his legacy is a sad and even somewhat shameful one (on me more than him). I can't hurt my husband or my childs friends, but my god...i very often go to work and want to just jump off of the building...i don't think that my life will ever have real happiness again...i don't think that i can like myself anymore...if there is something after this i'd like to be with my child | |
things will look up. don't give up!!!
david
With that being said, I feel the same way about my parents and the pain I would leave behind for them. But each day I feel less and less motivation to keep going. I wonder how much time I have left as well ?
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