This is my third entry here. I have no life. You could even say I'm not even a no life - I'm undead.
This is how my life looks like in short. I don't sleep all night, I sleep almost all day, waking up at 6 pm., I go out for a walk with my dog or one and only friend (or those two combined), rest of my time I spent on the computer which is boring as hell. I'm not on facebook or any social community, I don't start conversations over the internet, everything what I was doing is not interesting anymore. I used to draw, write, read, watch movies/tv shows etc. Even masturbation isn't satisfying anymore. I'm a fucking wreck. Everyday I'm frustrated, stressed for no reason, depressed as hell. It's been like this for 8 years. Everyday I'm thinking - Why me? What the fuck did I do wrong, why does life treats me like shit? Why was I even born? I know so many people who deserve the hell I'm living in.
The reason for all this is my face. It's - hmm... swelled? Has too much skin on it? Don't really know. And it all began when I burned my face in the sun. My cheeks, nose, places underneath the eyes, chin, they all started to be as twice bigger then they should be. I look like a fucking Picasso painting. I used hundreds of specifics, creams, went to shrinks, dermatologists - all for nothing. I searched through the net for the reason of this and just recently found out that this swelling (or whatever it is) could be because of kidneys bad functioning, teeth problem etc. I'm going to do some tests and if this is not going to show any results I don't know what I'll do.
People generally laugh at my face, thus I can't have any normal relationship with them. I hate my fucking country, my neighbourhood, neighbours, and generally people. They all don't give a fuck about me. All they do is give me this (at best) stare, as if they were watching some atrocity. So when it happens that I have to go somewhere I wear a hood and a cap so nobody can see my face.
The worst part is that my parents don't see my problem and think the answer to my problem lies in my head - that's why they're sending me from one shrink to another with no result, still thinking they'll treat me somehow. They don't understand me, don't want to, don't believe in what I'm saying. For eight years they still didn't notice one simple fact - from one year to another it's getting worse - my self esteem is getting lower & lower, I'm becoming more violent and frustrated, I have no energy to do simple tasks, recently I got paranoid - I think that everybody out there wants to hurt me, so whenever I go out I take a knife with me (and an airgun but it's probably useless).
There's a bunch of people who on purpose misspell my name (to make it sound according to them funnier), laugh at me, and tell me to show my face. That's why I feel safe only at home. Even when I'm somewhere in the centre of the city after like 3 hours I'm feeling bad and want to return to home.
Next thing is that I completely don't understand, since I'm 23, why the fuck I can't stay up all night and my dad comes to yell at me. For fucks sakes, I understand that I'm living under their roof but after they'll die I am either going to be provided by my brother or sister or I'll simply die. I have no qualifications, have no perspectives, no social skills, no nothing.
I thought about suicide, but I'm such a coward. And this is the whole paradox of this shitty life. I don't want to live but also afraid to die. I want to have courage to do that, otherwise I'll just be a parasite to my family.
There's so much more I could write, about what's wrong that I could write a book so I'll just end here. | |
But you shouldn't carry a knife and a gun. You might actually injure or kill someone by mistake, and that would be terrible.
and I suggest you to buy a mask like the one Tom Cruise uses in Vanilla Sky. (search vanilla sky mask on google) watch the movie as well,
dont walk around armed, you will end up in prison! =\
And I'd never post a photo of my face, there are too many trolls and cruel people on the net, and as you know - once something gets into the net it never vanishes. So the perspective of my photo floating around the net isn't to my liking.
And seriously, walking with a mask?? Like Tom (saw the movie btw)? It's not as defected as his face was, yet still my face is the object of laughs. A mask would be silly as hell, well I don't know about USA, but in Poland it would be really considered freakish and attract even more attention. Right now I'm growing a Jesus-like beard (though I'll have to wait probably few more months) and noticed, that people look at me less or not at all (but still wearing a hood with a cap).
Right now this is the only solution that comes to my mind - this beard. I'll just wait and see.
And really, airguns can't pass here 17J, so they're not that powerful. On the forums I read that the best thing I'd do to the attacker would be to piss him off even more. And I recently stopped being paranoid. Again. So I stopped carrying all the stuff. Yet it pisses me off that some muslim faction here in Poland can carry a knife, even into the school, because their religion says so, yet a normal (well, If I'd be normal) civilian like me is violating the law everytime he takes a knife with him longer than 2.3 inches.
Ok, maybe you know some sites with strange skin diseases? Because I looked for hundreds of them with poor result.
Either get a diagnose, or get told you are fine, and then start dealing with your life, man! YOU are waisting it away, so deal with it.
I got a diagnose - I got BDD, or so the doctors eight years ago told me and my parents refuse to believe otherwise. And guess what, recently I also thought about swelling, cause with my gall bladder removed and all maybe it's connected to the kidneys. Maybe my organism is keeping too much fluid/water/whatever it is, which shows as a fucked up face. Or it could be anything. Even found a guy with a similar problem on the forums, saying his face was getting bigger, swelling, this was the first time it happened to him. Everyone told him it could be from kidney's bad functioning or even smoking pot (well, I don't smoke weed). He was going to see a doctor for general medical examination, but he never posted back.
I'd really like you to be right about the lupus though, cause I'm tired of looking for the cause of all this. It could be even skin cancer - I just want to know what the fuck it is, so I can treat it or to now that I can't and stop searching for the solution and move on.
i can almost relate to everything.
it can be so difficult to explain your own understanding of life to someone else.
but to yourself you are convinced that the only realistic goal is suicide.
i understand this feeling.
honestly, its the same here, i think very often dt im gna do it. im gna kill myself. but idk i just cant.
well u didnt mention since when u had a change because of the sun burn.
but at some point it must have been extremely terrible, and i hope its not as terrible as that extreme terrible it was at that point.
alrite then
But if someone is still reading this topic, tell me this: Does it happen to you sometimes that some fucker, for no reason, just acts like he wants to hurt you, or something similar? I mean, recently I was hanging out with my friend, who rather looks tough, and some stupid motherfucker, drunk as hell, was acting strange. When he got close, he looked like he wanted to punch me, was walking directly towards me with his face showing anger. I was sure he'd hit me if it wasn't for his comrade, who looked like he could be his dad (somehow not drunk), and he pushed him away from me with one hand. I mean, I know those things happen from time to time to everybody, but from my perspective it looks like it happens to me too often. The misspelling fuckers was like three months ago. This shithead now. Maybe this is my problem, I take stuff too personally. Thanks to this sob I'm going to be paranoid again for one-two weeks. Fuck, I hate this neighbourhood, full of drunkards and tracksuiters (well if it goes for tracksuiters, I really don't know if you can call them in English that way, but those are generally "people" who wear a tracksuit all the time, usually are bald, age 20 to 35, are violent, looking for a fight, beat people, destroy public property, and are usually football (not the American football) "fans" who use it as an excuse to beat the shit out of the other club "fans"). I am psychically to weak for this world. Every fucking Friday and Saturday night I hear screams of these idiots.
So does it happen to you, that you are for no reason a target for someone? Laughing, beating, whatever the fuck, or am I lonely in this?
Everytime some retarded monkey makes a laugh at me or threatens me, I cheer myself with the thought that my "friend" (saw him maybe ten times) was hit in the head in the way he got a concussion. So I don't have it that bad. I don't know if it's good to cheer yourself with the thought that someone had it worse, but it gets me feel better and that counts.
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