My life feels like it's over. My creative, funny, kind, smart and sensitive son took his own life in May, a day after his 20th birthday. I need to tell anyone that is contemplating suicide: please seek help. please talk to your loved ones/Mom, etc. My heart, and so many others are broken. We "survivors", if you can call it that, are in shock, feeling the most incredible despair, and asking ourselves every day " what did I miss", "how did I fail him", and thinking that we must have fucked up royally for this to be. It's easy and tempting to blame one another-more hurt! I am so depressed and have so little left, that I can't pick up the phone when a friend or family member calls. I have trouble interacting with my husband or anyone, my despair runs so deep. So on top of losing the love of my life, my son, I'm losing everyone else as well. I beat myself up for missing signs. I retrace every f'ing step I ever took as a parent. I feel like my whole life must have been a fucking lie that I told myself, because I had though I was a good mother and had a happy and well adjusted son, who wouldn't call me back b/c he was knee deep in exams! Now I know otherwise. He must have felt alienated from me. Why else would he have not reached out to me for help when I told him several times that he could talk to me about anything, that breakups happen and it gets better, that we'd love him regardless of sexual orientation, etc., etc...my words must have seemed empty to him. Because he didn't reach back and he fucking offed himself. I must be a hideous, horrible human being. I must have failed him beyond belief, for this to happen.