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my life feels like its over

Posted by cygnusmom at October 8, 2011
Tags: Death  2011 October  Tragic Events

My life feels like it's over. My creative, funny, kind, smart and sensitive son took his own life in May, a day after his 20th birthday. I need to tell anyone that is contemplating suicide: please seek help. please talk to your loved ones/Mom, etc. My heart, and so many others are broken. We "survivors", if you can call it that, are in shock, feeling the most incredible despair, and asking ourselves every day " what did I miss", "how did I fail him", and thinking that we must have fucked up royally for this to be. It's easy and tempting to blame one another-more hurt! I am so depressed and have so little left, that I can't pick up the phone when a friend or family member calls. I have trouble interacting with my husband or anyone, my despair runs so deep. So on top of losing the love of my life, my son, I'm losing everyone else as well. I beat myself up for missing signs. I retrace every f'ing step I ever took as a parent. I feel like my whole life must have been a fucking lie that I told myself, because I had though I was a good mother and had a happy and well adjusted son, who wouldn't call me back b/c he was knee deep in exams! Now I know otherwise. He must have felt alienated from me. Why else would he have not reached out to me for help when I told him several times that he could talk to me about anything, that breakups happen and it gets better, that we'd love him regardless of sexual orientation, etc., words must have seemed empty to him. Because he didn't reach back and he fucking offed himself. I must be a hideous, horrible human being. I must have failed him beyond belief, for this to happen.


Similar Entries:
Why? January 4, 2012
FUCKED UP LIFE February 6, 2010
Pain and Numbness May 13, 2012
Lonely Life! August 4, 2011
untitled story July 10, 2012

New Comment

By anonymous at 26,Nov,11 20:59

I'm sorry to hear about your loss. I have contemplated suicide and I have to say, it takes bravery to go through with it. Your son must have really been desperate. I think everyone has a right to life and everyone has a right to ending their life. As a survivor, you should respect that he didn't want to continue and stop making it all about you.
By anonymous at 27,Nov,11 01:13

first off your an asshole for saying she should respect what her son decided to do and that she needs to stop making it all about her. all she is doing is trying to reach out to a world she feels torn away from due to a traumatic experience. dick. yes it was his choice but what i see here is a mother who truly cared about her son. my mother wouldn't feel that way if i had committed suicide. im sure your son had his reasons for doing what he did and nothing could change how he felt but whats truly important is that you cared and tried to do what you could for him, the rest has to be on his shoulders to accept the help being offered to him.
By anonymous at 27,Nov,11 08:07

Oh please! Of course your mom would care if you killed yourself! What a sob story!
By anonymous at 27,Nov,11 17:00

yall are all crazy, if anybody kills themselves b4 their life begins (20s and younger) of course its the parents fault! not to mentiona fag, mom..C'MON MAN
By anonymous at 08,Dec,11 16:58

FUCCCCKKKK YOUUUUUUU. If he's gay, it's not his parents' "fault". Read up on this--I mean real research, the kind you get from libraries and scholarly articles. People don't choose their orientation, and neither do their parents.

You're on a website with a lot of people who've been bullied their whole life. Odds are you're here because you've been bullied your whole life. And you have the nerve to say "fag" as if it's not a hate word. WTF?
By anonymous at 05,Mar,13 17:06 Fold Up

what the fuck. keep your shit head opinions to yourself
By anonymous at 08,Dec,11 21:37 Fold Up

then why do other kids with much worse parents stay alive and not kill themselves?! it cannot be all parental influence.

By anonymous at 27,Nov,11 09:02

life is a hard nut to crack,I read these sad stories of life for people,life is a gift with elements of pain running through it,we have to take time to feel what we are feeling,time to cry,be alone,feel alone,but always with a belief that we are the same,human,and hold on to hope,take every day one step at a time,and don"t choke one self to much with doute,lookinside ones self and believe things can be different,never give up,or blame,or lose hope,tomorrow will bring it"s share of tears but there will be moments of peace,when it comes hold onto it.

By anonymous at 27,Nov,11 22:20

I am so sorry for your loss ..
You must understand that our kids do not always open up to us like we would like them to be .
We my want an open commutation but they may not feel the same .
Did you tell your parents everything in your personal life ?
I know I didn't tell my parents how I felt because I didn't want them to worry or be upset or embarrassed it can be many things your son was feeling .

Please do not be so hard on yourself , what has happened is terrible but you must be strong and turn that strong to help others who feel life is over .

I know for me God is my rock and faithful and whatever happens in life I will have peace in my heart knowing he is with me .

Tonight pick up a Holy Bible and read !
I feel God has place it in my heart to tell you to do so and to read it daily ..
You are not alone for God is with you always and forever ..

I Had a Dream

One night I had a dream
I was walking along the beach with my Lord.
Across the sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene I noticed two sets
of footprints in the sand,
one belonging to me
and the other to my Lord.
When the last scene of my life shot before me
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
There was only on set of footprints.
I realized that this was at the lowest
and saddest times in my life.
This always bothered me
and I questioned the Lord
about my dilemma.
"Lord, you told me when I decided to follow You,
You would walk and talk with me all the way.
But I'm aware that during the most troublesome
times of my life there is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why, when I needed You most,
you leave me."
He whispered, "My precious, precious child,
I love you and will never leave you
never, ever during your times of trial and testings.
When you saw only one set of footprints
It was then that I carried you."

By : Margaret Fishback Powers

By anonymous at 12,Dec,11 01:39

Your story is very sad, I am so sorry for your loss :(

There is nothing you can do now, it is clear that you loved your son and tried to be there for him - but it seems it was beyond your power. You are not a bad mother. Your friends and family should understand what you are going through, your real friends will stay there for you, don't worry about the others.

Have you thought of looking into suicide support groups? It might help to talk to others who have been through the same thing. Maybe you could also look into suicide prevention groups - that way you'd be helping others and it might help you cope a little better.

I wish the best for you.

By anonymous at 05,Mar,13 17:04

I'm sorry, don't blame yourself, he may not have felt alienated, he may have just been embarrassed or confused. If it was sexuality, that mixed with bad grades and a lost love and maybe a few drinks could've done it maybe. It's not all your fault, and it's natural to withdraw, at least you can recognize that you have withdrawn and can make strides towards opening up to people.

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