I am really a failure in life. I mean seriously I am typing here to vent off. Firstly, I feel like a loser. I feel like someone who doesn't have a future to go, someone who is so useless that I can communicate to people, someone who is screwed, someone who doesn't deserve to have the right to talk to people, a pure virgin loser...Seeing how my friends date and talk about their gf, I look at myself in the mirror and hear people saying "Hey this guy looks quite handsome and smart. He looks talented". Well i heard that from quite a number of random people but I dun feel that way. Perhaps my looks have changed or perhaps it's just the mere low confidence in me. Now the thing that bothers me now is:
I have got a screwed talking character. I learnt from my that bastard friend whom I wish to kill him honestly. He made my day sombre. He was my friend since primary school and I was quite close to him. However he was jealous of me all the time cos I got all the teacher's attention and respect from friends he tries to say nasty things to me that make me feel like punching him but I did not dare when I was a child. Soon when I went up to 7th 8th grade, I learnt from him unknowingly. It's like I have become him already and that my core character of coolness and steadiness is gone, completely. Because of that, and because of many other things like I talk a lot of idiotic funny rubbish things to hurt others until it became a habit and whenever I open my mouth to talk, that's what I would talk. IT LIKE SHYT. I AM SCREWED AND I STRONGLY BELIEVE IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF MY THAT FRIEND'S INFLUENCE THAT MADE ME LIKE THIS otherwise I would have gotten lots of respects from friends and have lots of girlfriends and wouldn't be a virgin by now!!! It sucks. Now I dun talk to friends at all. AT ALL, literally.
I am highly dependent on people, which is a habit since young given by my mum and it made myself turn off to myself. It becomes a nuisance to others. I hate myself. I get clumsy and easily nervous always, be it talking to friends or girls...In my whole life, it sort of like I have never properly talked to girls at all...Girls try to woo me but I feel unworthy and just avoid them plus of course those sucky talking character.
Well I am a failure everywhere I go. I am seen as a lousy guy plus someone whom cannot do things well with no talents. It contrast a lot. People say I am smart and talented, but once they got to know me, they would knew otherwise.
My calves muscles is screwed. Now I walk with both legs different muscles and I hate my leg a lot. I run and walk like someone with crooked leg...I am devastated cos I am very very very interested in martial arts like taekwondo but my leg, especially my master right leg is screwed...
I feel hopeless emotionally, mentally and physically. I keep praying to god to help me, he does answer, but he can't help. WHY??? | |
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