Sometimes I just don't even know. I wasn't aware that things could go from totally normal to such crap in an instant. It's terrible, I hurt all the time no matter what I do or where I am. I just can't escape who I am and I'm afraid that it's killing me.
I wake up every morning disgusted with myself. I'm fat, and definitely NOT happy. I'm on the border of an ED, which is making me feel even worse. I've been skipping meals so often that I'm dizzy and nauseaus, but I'm afraid to touch food in case I gain back the weight I've lost so far. It's a vicious cycle, and my mother is starting to catch on. I can't get sick from this because I can't miss anymore school, or I'm going to loose any chance of a scholarship which would be my only chance to get the hell out of here.
My dad is loosing his job, which is more stress on the entire family. Who knows what's going to happen? I'm terrified, but my parents insist on treating me like it's somehow my fault, if I get one more glare from either of them I swear I'll live on the streets. It's ridiculous, and I just want out of this house. I need to escape, because real soon I'm gonna end up doing something stupid that I'll really regret. And I can't afford that.
Our best family friend has a brain tumor, and things aren't looking good. She used to be a goofy and fun person, now she's quiet and in pain. The doctors can't say how long she has to live, it's completely inoperable and in a part of the brain that will eventually case severe demencia. She hasn't gained back the use of her left arm yet, can't drive for a long time, and isn't able to return to work which is torture for her. I want to see the old best friend back, becase the broken down one I know now is hurting me.
I'm sick and tired of all the dumbass people my high school is plauged with, and I'm sick of their comments to me. If it's not "your fat" then it's "your ugly" or whatever the hell they pull up in the moment. It usually doesn't bother me, but right now I'm at boiling point and not sure what to do about anything anymore. I get to hear how the guy I like is a whore, and that's just a whole lot of fun. Because I'm seriously ever going to be with him? Come on, must we ruin everything I have???
Ugh, I just don't even know. | |
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