LIFE SUCKS

Life.... Oh the joys!

My life:

As a child I grew up with my mum and disabled brother.  My dad was a cheating arse and left my mum to look after us When I was just two and my bro had only just come home from hospital!  (yeh arse hole right)

Well all my childhood I felt so alone, my mums attention was fully on my brother which I understand now but didn't then, and I led my life in my room playing with dolls and just being by myself. 

My mum by the way is extremely. Shy and timid, her childhood was horrific but I won't go into that.  My dad on the other hand is full of confidence, is an egotistical arse and a hell of an excuse of a man. Well I saw him at weekends and he traumatised me literally. He ended up being with the woman he cheated on my mum with for 6 years...she already had a son n they ended up having my sister. My dad  Used to scare me so much when i was growing up. If us kids did anything wrong we'd get shouted at or even hit. Not beaten but I think it Was him trying to show off his power. I wasn't used to that... So it made me even more shy. I remember my siblings would shout back or laugh at him but I would always cry and hide. I'd get home n mum wouldn't no what to do with me because I'd just take it out on her..

School was horrible although I was never bullied badly,  I hated girls coz they say nasty things here n there but that was it. I just didn't really make any good friends. I'd have one for a few months n then they'd find someone better. I could never concentrate because  I was so unhappy. I'd always try and skip school, pretending I was sick because life just seemed unbarable. I'm not saying it was the worst because I no others have it much worse than me but because of how shy and timid I'd become it seemed so overwhelming.

I got to about 12 and my teenage years changed me. I became angry. Inside and Continued to take it out on my mum and disabled brother. Yes I think I hit them both at one point and I have hated myself since I realised just how terrible that was. I'm disgusted with myself for it and have no excuse. No matter what had happened to me. I just didn't no how to deal with anger, all I'd see was how dad reacted to us.

Well I finally managed to make some friends in my area... I was the leader of the group as they were all one year younger than me at least. They accepted me as I did them and anyone else who wished to join our happy little gang, as you would call it.  Well I still see some of those kids now 12 years on. I love them to death even if they have hurt me one way or another. The only thing is we r now going our separate ways. The few people in my life who have ever made me feel loved have left me. Not necessarily physically but mentally. we just don't click anymore.  We've grown out of eachother.
I'm So sad because I feel like I'm losing everything.

I left school with crappy grades and didn't go to college because I was too scared to meet new people. My family r quite poor and I was scared what people would make of me in my own clothes.
So I'm now continuously stuck in dead end jobs because I never achieved anything. The problem is... I want to achieve so much, I want to learn. I no I can but I have no money to start. My job sucks Because the hours r seasonal, my mum and her twat of a boyfriend are moving 4 hours away and I may have to leave with them because of this. I don't want to be alone,  I hate that I'm so shy and have no confidence . I. Want to be somebody, I want to have loads of friends and more than anything; I want a man I'm my life that won't disappoint me, the way my dad and all the other men in my life have. 

I just want someone to value me. 
I've taught myself guitar, I'm a pretty good photographer but im afraid of people So much that I'm Constantly held back and reserved. I come across to customers all happy n sweet but when it comes to actually getting to know me, I am very reserved and shy. 

I'm just basically a big cry baby and cant deal with anything.

All my relationships fall apart Because a: I rush into them an get attached to quick, praying this guy is the one... I don't cling but I certainly fall very easily. B:  I fall for arse holes, the ones never to be trusted. C: even if they're not arse holes I'm so scared that they're liars I don't trust anyone.
D: I self sabotage because of my lack of confidence intimately and in general. 

So here am n here's the choice I'm having to make right now...
Move with parents, start fresh in a quiet boring town, have to get a new dead end job and new friends. Whilst dealing with my inability to believe in myself
Or
Stay here, get a new job (which is pretty impossible as there such a lack of them) but i will still have my few friends.  Rent with someone I no if I do get a new job.

Pretty torn to be honest! Life sucks because everything I want I'm either afraid to have or it will find away of kicking me in the arse n making me even more shy! Grrr