Im 23 years old with 2 children. I love them very very much but wasnt ready for them. Both of them where 'accident children' and I became pregnant while taking active messure to make sure that didnt happen. I was married once before to man that turned out to have very severe mental issues, which I didnt know at the time. This man and I had a daughter together and before I found out that he had srious mental issues, he had joined that Army and we moved all the way across the country to California. I had my daughter when I was 17 years old and was a wonderful mother to her despite my age. I was the child of a horrible divorce myself, and woked very hard to make sure she didnt have to go through the pain that I went through as a young child. After we had moved to Cali, i began to notic my husband behaviour changing. And after 2 years ofl living there together and NOT being happy, he became physicaly and emotional violent to both myself and my daughter. So the two of us left and moved back home into his parents house. Shortly after I had filed for a divorce, I found a factory job. I had dropped out of high school when i became pregnant with my daughter- so I didnt have much education under my belt, so a factory job was really my only option at the time to support us. I didnt have to monney to go back to Cali and get our belonging from our house yet, so I had my things placed in storage and the agreement was that both my exhusband and myself would pay for the storage unit together since it contained both of our things ( his army job took him to another state around the time of our seperation.). But he didnt follow through with his half and I lost everything and so did my daughter. I had to start all over. It was a very difficult expeirence. Soon after that, I discoverd that my husband tryed to make some changes to the divorce papers without my permission which caused a major delay in the divorce process and soon after stopped it all together because of the nature of what he tried to change. Our divorce was being handled my the Army because I was free and my husband agreed to the divorce which made it a very good option. So now my dicorve was on hold and there wasnt much I could do about it due to my finacial situation. My ex-husbands parents where kind enough to let my daughter and myself stay there and let me use there caar to drive to work. They also would keep my daughter while I was at work. I would save up money from my job to help pay them for this as well try to recover myself from paying on the storage unit in Cali that went under. One weekend at a friends party I ran into my high-school sweetheart and we bagan talking. We wanted to date and I let my ex know about this in advance and turns out, he was already sleeping with and dating someone else. We began dating and became very very close very fast. He soon found a good job and together the 2 of us saved up enough to rent a home together. My daughter loved him very much and they were very close. He made a great step dad! Soon after he began making alot of extra money from work due to a new position and insisted that I go to school to get my GED and then get myself into a college. I took his advice and while I was wating for school to begin, I found out that I was pregnant. This was very bad news- this is NOT what i needed or wanted. I had my hands full with school coming soon and my then 2 year old daughter who had been diagnosed with severe behavior problems and autisim. I told him that I planned on having the pregnancy terminated, he agreed fully. I had made an appointment to do so and 2 days before, he changed his mind completley and told me that if i didnt have his child, he didnt want anything to do with me. Instead of walking aways and doing what I felt was best for me, I listened to him. I didnt want my daughter to have to go through losing another father figure and I didnt want to lose him either- i loved him very much and he ment alot to me. I had the baby 9 months later and still felt like it was a horrible choice. I wasnt happy at all, except now it was worse because I felt guilty, CONSTANTLY because I knew i 'should' feel happy about my beautiful son- but I didnt. He had very bad colic and no matter what we tried it didnt work. This made it worse. One night, in the middle of one of his crying fits-i had to get away. So i placed him safely in his cozy crib and walked into the living room to get away from him for a few minutes. I began to cry, of course from the stress. My husband began to cry to and then told me I was right- we DIDNT need a baby. This made me very very angry-because when i became pregnant again, i tired to tell him how rasing a hcild was very hard. I had dont it before, he hadnt. He was just a stupid kid himself and he was being selfish. So, now my son is almost 3 and I still feel trapped and unhappy. I know that this isnt whats best for me but I love my children and could never walk away from them. But i dont know what to do. I have no GED, im still not divorced, have no job and I try to forgive myself everyday for not saying NO when he asked me to have his baby and i try very very hard to frogive him as well. But that really changed our relationship and our lives, and not for the best. My finace/boyfriend/sons father also ended up cheating with me online with an ex girlfreind of his. He told her how he was only staying with me because of our son and how he still loved her. I have come to relise how very immature he is and how neither of us was ready for another child and all of the added stress and responsibility. I try to stay a very possitve person. I believe in 'the law of attraction' and th epower of psitive thinking and i have tried and tried to search within myself to find answers to make myself happy again- but damnit, sometimes i just need to rant and feel bad. And right now, since he lost his job back in May and now hes choose to go to school- which was something I was suppose to be able to do- im feeling pretty damn low. I feel like I have made HUGE sacrifices for our relationship and our love and I get nothing in return. Im the one that worry about whats going to happen if he doesnt find another job before his extension runs out while he sits outside drinking beers with his friends- IM the one that wants, so very very much, for so much more than this. I really wish i could find an easy way out- if there was such a thing.