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Posted by sway at November 19, 2011
Tags: Family  2011 November  Relationship

Im 23 years old with 2 children. I love them very very much but wasnt ready for them. Both of them where 'accident children' and I became pregnant while taking active messure to make sure that didnt happen. I was married once before to man that turned out to have very severe mental issues, which I didnt know at the time. This man and I had a daughter together and before I found out that he had srious mental issues, he had joined that Army and we moved all the way across the country to California. I had my daughter when I was 17 years old and was a wonderful mother to her despite my age. I was the child of a horrible divorce myself, and woked very hard to make sure she didnt have to go through the pain that I went through as a young child. After we had moved to Cali, i began to notic my husband behaviour changing. And after 2 years ofl living there together and NOT being happy, he became physicaly and emotional violent to both myself and my daughter. So the two of us left and moved back home into his parents house. Shortly after I had filed for a divorce, I found a factory job. I had dropped out of high school when i became pregnant with my daughter- so I didnt have much education under my belt, so a factory job was really my only option at the time to support us. I didnt have to monney to go back to Cali and get our belonging from our house yet, so I had my things placed in storage and the agreement was that both my exhusband and myself would pay for the storage unit together since it contained both of our things ( his army job took him to another state around the time of our seperation.). But he didnt follow through with his half and I lost everything and so did my daughter. I had to start all over. It was a very difficult expeirence. Soon after that, I discoverd that my husband tryed to make some changes to the divorce papers without my permission which caused a major delay in the divorce process and soon after stopped it all together because of the nature of what he tried to change. Our divorce was being handled my the Army because I was free and my husband agreed to the divorce which made it a very good option. So now my dicorve was on hold and there wasnt much I could do about it due to my finacial situation. My ex-husbands parents where kind enough to let my daughter and myself stay there and let me use there caar to drive to work. They also would keep my daughter while I was at work. I would save up money from my job to help pay them for this as well try to recover myself from paying on the storage unit in Cali that went under. One weekend at a friends party I ran into my high-school sweetheart and we bagan talking. We wanted to date and I let my ex know about this in advance and turns out, he was already sleeping with and dating someone else. We began dating and became very very close very fast. He soon found a good job and together the 2 of us saved up enough to rent a home together. My daughter loved him very much and they were very close. He made a great step dad! Soon after he began making alot of extra money from work due to a new position and insisted that I go to school to get my GED and then get myself into a college. I took his advice and while I was wating for school to begin, I found out that I was pregnant. This was very bad news- this is NOT what i needed or wanted. I had my hands full with school coming soon and my then 2 year old daughter who had been diagnosed with severe behavior problems and autisim. I told him that I planned on having the pregnancy terminated, he agreed fully. I had made an appointment to do so and 2 days before, he changed his mind completley and told me that if i didnt have his child, he didnt want anything to do with me. Instead of walking aways and doing what I felt was best for me, I listened to him. I didnt want my daughter to have to go through losing another father figure and I didnt want to lose him either- i loved him very much and he ment alot to me. I had the baby 9 months later and still felt like it was a horrible choice. I wasnt happy at all, except now it was worse because I felt guilty, CONSTANTLY because I knew i 'should' feel happy about my beautiful son- but I didnt. He had very bad colic and no matter what we tried it didnt work. This made it worse. One night, in the middle of one of his crying fits-i had to get away. So i placed him safely in his cozy crib and walked into the living room to get away from him for a few minutes. I began to cry, of course from the stress. My husband began to cry to and then told me I was right- we DIDNT need a baby. This made me very very angry-because when i became pregnant again, i tired to tell him how rasing a hcild was very hard. I had dont it before, he hadnt. He was just a stupid kid himself and he was being selfish. So, now my son is almost 3 and I still feel trapped and unhappy. I know that this isnt whats best for me but I love my children and could never walk away from them. But i dont know what to do. I have no GED, im still not divorced, have no job and I try to forgive myself everyday for not saying NO when he asked me to have his baby and i try very very hard to frogive him as well. But that really changed our relationship and our lives, and not for the best. My finace/boyfriend/sons father also ended up cheating with me online with an ex girlfreind of his. He told her how he was only staying with me because of our son and how he still loved her. I have come to relise how very immature he is and how neither of us was ready for another child and all of the added stress and responsibility. I try to stay a very possitve person. I believe in 'the law of attraction' and th epower of psitive thinking and i have tried and tried to search within myself to find answers to make myself happy again- but damnit, sometimes i just need to rant and feel bad. And right now, since he lost his job back in May and now hes choose to go to school- which was something I was suppose to be able to do- im feeling pretty damn low. I feel like I have made HUGE sacrifices for our relationship and our love and I get nothing in return. Im the one that worry about whats going to happen if he doesnt find another job before his extension runs out while he sits outside drinking beers with his friends- IM the one that wants, so very very much, for so much more than this. I really wish i could find an easy way out- if there was such a thing.


New Comment

By anonymous at 23,Dec,11 18:28

God sees all and knows all. Call on Him in your time of trouble. I have no kids of my own, but my husband has two, an eight and four year old. I have to deal with him putting them first no matter what. I am always wrong when it comes to them, and I see myself just getting up and leaving at some point. I love my husband, but God knows there is only so much one can take. I pray to God that all will work out for me everyday, and in doing that, I will pray that He pulls you through your trials too. Keep your head high, God is LOVE.

By anonymous at 23,Dec,11 19:59

bad events in life

By anonymous at 24,Dec,11 01:43

just kill yourself. life isnt gonna get any better. or............... there is rum. xoxo me
By anonymous at 24,Dec,11 14:52

how can you be so nasty !
By a pissed off 16 year old at 26,Dec,11 15:19 Fold Up

you are such a terrible person saying that. who the hell wishes for someone to die? I'm 16 and even i know better than that. such a low-lifer sitting behind a computer writing stuff like that.. karmas a bitch baby, and you're gonna learn it the hard way. fuck you, and have a nice day :)
By anonymous at 29,Dec,11 11:46

Oh shut the fuck up you know you have wish for someone to die at one point in life..i know i have and it feels Good..

By anonymous at 24,Dec,11 17:14

You seem really nice. So here's the thing, you need to get rid of the boyfriend, you seem to do every thing to please him or somebody else. Yeah you get nothing in return because he is an asshole and you appear to be drawn to that kind of person. So, ditch the assholes, live for your children and make something of your own life and stop waiting for somebody else to make you happy. Really, do a reality check and realise that the only people that can truly make you happy is yourself and your children. When you see that then you will end up finding someone who deserves you. Sorry if this is hard reading but it is the truth. Sweet dreams and Merry Christmas x

By JJ thompson at 24,Dec,11 22:40

I think you should have been more careful. U got pregnant 4 times. U shud have used condoms. U didnt even care about HIV? & U shud not have rushed into relationships or marriage with ppl. U shud have been more careful. & now Ur gonna pay the price. If U can make it so ur children dont have to suffer, in the future I'm sure u will be rewarded. There were plenty of signs that guy was a freak. He is selfish and told u that u HAD to have is kid. & if u werent ready u shud have got an abortion or something. but enuff about that. WAT CAN U DO? let me think. fall down the stairs and sue ur cheating piece of shit son's father for all the money he has. and Hide some item of yours and say ur ex-husband always talked about how much he wanted it and that he must have stolen it. Invest $5 in pepper spray incase either one gets mad and tries to kill u. Take out a loan and finsih school OR BABY, if ur good with computers look up COMPTIA A+ certification. It is a recession-proof job and u can get the book for $5 off or some shit. And if u dont wanna read the book u cnca get a program called LabSim for rougly $350. like I said RECESSION PROOF. then get a cheap house dont become NIGGER RICH dont buy shit u dnt need. Or even a MOBILE HOME. hey thoze are cozy. Time 2 open presents 4 me. BEST OF LUCK BAABY I MEAN THAT AND IN THE FUTURE IF ERYTHING WORKS OUT ILL HELP U MYSELF. o and look 4 a quality guy and he can help u out. k bye
By Michelle at 25,Dec,11 20:42

um where did u get pregnancy x4 in her post. ur plan sucks ass. way to give her terrible advice
By anonymous at 26,Dec,11 07:27 Fold Up

man your stupid! lol
By anonymous at 03,Jan,12 15:42


By anonymous at 25,Dec,11 20:44

you should try to put it all in the past and move on from the guy. there are programs out there that can help a single mom, i know where i live there is a program for low income single parents to go to a trade school for 5 months and then they put them in the field for 5 months and they usually end up with the job at the end. There are all sorts of options. I'm sorry hun that you are going through all this but the last thing u need is a third child weighing you down. Best of luck.

By anonymous at 25,Dec,11 22:20

I Hate Girls like you just Dumb WHORE BAGS ! I seen and dated A Girl like you and was willing But Girls like you are fucked in the head and there's know changing that You deserve everything that happen to you and if you don't change being fucked in the Head things are just gonna keep getting worse for you not better. Stop worrying about how and where you can get the next Dick and take care of you and your kids and just worry about you and your kids and things will come along and A Dick will fall in place in time.
By anonymous at 26,Dec,11 15:24

Just because a girl screwed u around doesn't mean u can take ur anger out on this person. U heartless soul ! as u say a ' a dick will fall in place in time' ...sure u were the dick once !
By anonymous at 03,Jan,12 15:39 Fold Up


By anonymous at 26,Dec,11 02:05

Your a sick bastered, she didnt say anything about dick dumb ass. U suck at give advice this shit could have happened to any of us. She just nred somone to love her and put damb ass men in her life like u. She said she was on birth control when this happened so have some sipithy. After all it is christmas.and to u, I hope u get away from him while u still can. Look up the meaning of love, if hes mot that. Leave his ass and go to a shelter they well help u with the kids. Also churcj. Dont ever stay with a man because u think u cant make it on your own. I also had my son at 17 dropped out of high school and moved in with his abusive dad cause I didnt want to rase my son on my own. Dont waist your life on what could of been u can do this with or with oht little ones college is payed fot
By anonymous at 03,Jan,12 15:40


By anonymous at 26,Dec,11 05:12

It isnt going to get any better your so young and you shouldnt be having these problems you should be out enjoying your life and starting a carreer.Im glad you are suffering like this if u didnt start fuckin around at a young age u wouldnt be having these problems

By anonymous at 26,Dec,11 07:47

emagine if I did keep my second baby, i would end up like You!! ..just dont rely on hm on everything,try to be more independent and when things becomes very bad? you moved out.

By Microsoft OEM Software at 08,Mar,12 10:52

UeANsI Awesome blog article.Thanks Again. Really Great.

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