Here I am, 40yrs old. I HATE my fucking life.I have bipolar II and the medication doesn't work. I'm either depressed or anxious most of the time, sometimes suicidal, can't accomplish anything, can't focus, have no energy, and so on.No kids, separated from my "husband" who I married to give him citizenship. He was a shithead bastard who cut me down nonstop.
My life has ALWAYS sucked. My mother was a basket case, not interested in me, and always asleep due to depression, and my Dad was always at work.
I had very few freinds as a child, a lot of times none, or people who were friends but mean to me or used me. Like a pathetic no self-esteem loser, I put up with it because it was better than having no friends at all. I never get invited to things, not even stupid fucking parties where people try to sell you things,never been a bridesmaid much less a real bride.
I have ALWAYS been excluded, ignored, disliked, and alone.
I've had a series of boyfriends who have mistreated me or were fucked up themselves (alcoholics, other mental cases, etc)But then I think who will want a crazy bipolar chick except other losers?
It doesn't help that I'm not one bit good looking.
I always dreamed of a romantic marriage proposal, but it hasn't happend and now it never will. All I fucking wanted was one little boy, and a man to love me, but the time for that has passed by. As my husband always threw in my face all the time, the divorce rate for people with bipolar is 90%. It looks like I'm destined to be alone.
It doesn't help that I have very few friends. A lot of times, I have none at all. Worse, people seem to like me at first and then end up not liking me. I've been "dropped" by a lot of people, including the woman I thought was my one true friend. Guess not.
I used to think things would get better, but all I see is a future being old and alone, probably one of those people who die and no one realizes it until the body rots. Unless I kill myself, which may be a better option.
The only thing I have going for me is my job as a teacher, but of course the pay is shit. Sometimes I think about just doing a lot of dangerous things, travelling to dangerous places alone, and if I get killed oh well.
Everything that's nice and normal for everyone else is stuf I can't have. | |
There is a time in our life when we need to make the choices on how to live. Like everyone, your mom did the best she knew how and so did your dad. Now, you make your life as best as possible.
Focus on the job as a teacher & find other things you enjoy. Focus only on the good things.
You have accomplished so much. Give yourself credit for it. Picture challenges you have faced and overcome. You are so much stronger now. And, you are very important and needed in this life. There is no other person in the world like you.
New Comment