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Sorry: it doesn't get any better

Posted by xtreme loser at December 1, 2011
Tags: 2011 December  Health  Philosophical

Here I am, 40yrs old. I HATE my fucking life.I have bipolar II and the medication doesn't work. I'm either depressed or anxious most of the time, sometimes suicidal, can't accomplish anything, can't focus, have no energy, and so on.No kids, separated from my "husband" who I married to give him citizenship. He was a shithead bastard who cut me down nonstop.

My life has ALWAYS sucked. My mother was a basket case, not interested in me, and always asleep due to depression, and my Dad was always at work.
I had very few freinds as a child, a lot of times none, or people who were friends but mean to me or used me. Like a pathetic no self-esteem loser, I put up with it because it was better than having no friends at all. I never get invited to things, not even stupid fucking parties where people try to sell you things,never been a bridesmaid much less a real bride.

I have ALWAYS been excluded, ignored, disliked, and alone.

I've had a series of boyfriends who have mistreated me or were fucked up themselves (alcoholics, other mental cases, etc)But then I think who will want a crazy bipolar chick except other losers?

It doesn't help that I'm not one bit good looking.

I always dreamed of a romantic marriage proposal, but it hasn't happend and now it never will. All I fucking wanted was one little boy, and a man to love me, but the time for that has passed by. As my husband always threw in my face all the time, the divorce rate for people with bipolar is 90%. It looks like I'm destined to be alone.

It doesn't help that I have very few friends. A lot of times, I have none at all. Worse, people seem to like me at first and then end up not liking me. I've been "dropped" by a lot of people, including the woman I thought was my one true friend. Guess not.

I used to think things would get better, but all I see is a future being old and alone, probably one of those people who die and no one realizes it until the body rots. Unless I kill myself, which may be a better option.

The only thing I have going for me is my job as a teacher, but of course the pay is shit. Sometimes I think about just doing a lot of dangerous things, travelling to dangerous places alone, and if I get killed oh well.

Everything that's nice and normal for everyone else is stuf I can't have.


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Comments:
By anonymous at 04,Jan,12 03:36

I know how you feel. I have been dealing with the same kinds of feelings. Write me at salcaw@yahoo.com and we can talk. My name is Stephanie.


By anonymous at 05,Jan,12 22:30

Everyone has their own stuff and so do you, both good & bad things.

There is a time in our life when we need to make the choices on how to live. Like everyone, your mom did the best she knew how and so did your dad. Now, you make your life as best as possible.

Focus on the job as a teacher & find other things you enjoy. Focus only on the good things.

You have accomplished so much. Give yourself credit for it. Picture challenges you have faced and overcome. You are so much stronger now. And, you are very important and needed in this life. There is no other person in the world like you.


By anonymous at 06,Jan,12 17:35

Please hang in there. I thought I was depressed because I can't find a job and have applied everywhere. You're a beautiful person! A teacher...wow! You have so much influence on children you may not even know it! You're life has so much meaning...it may be for those children...embrace it! From there you will be rewarded!
By anonymous at 09,Jan,12 13:44

YEA, PLEASE HANG YOUR SELF..


By anonymous at 07,Jan,12 01:16

these are nasty times we live in there is pain and hatered every where you look,people are rude incocidered and rotten,other peoples flaws are not your fault,we are all like the middle page of a book,there are some behind and some after.some people have less problems than others and some people like me,LOL my point is,you are good,it is our society and our values that are messed up.do not give up hang in there.life is not easy for any one.but the SUN WILL RISE TOMORROW.and remember they say there is at least 1 person who loves you who you do not even know


By anonymous at 07,Jan,12 02:55

I feel like I could have written this. Please know that you're not the only one who feels like this. I don't know of anything I can say to help, since I can't even help myself, but you're not alone.


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