What the fuck am I supposed to do? Here I am living the life I never wanted for myself. I’m 36 years old not married and living the reality of another failed relationship. I give up. It’s me not them. Maybe I have too much baggage passed down from my parents, maybe I’m toxic and give off the vibe that I cannot be loved for the long term but whatever the reason I am a failure when it comes to relationships.
I just want to give up at this point and throw in the towel. I can’t make a relationship work. Once I get into a relationship I move from two different extremes…obsessiveness to cold bitch.
I can never express myself in a way that is healthy. I even go into relationships thinking that I am not good enough so I pick people with baggage that I feel I can be with. That is my pattern. That is what I cannot for the life of me figure out how to end.
Why can’t I just be happy being by myself? Why do I need to conform to what people think I should be doing in having a relationship? I want to break free of that. I want to get to the place where I don’t care what people think.
If I were at a place where I wasn’t trying to put on a show for the world I would never have stayed in that relationship for fear of losing the man that said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me even though I knew that was a lie. I can’t do this anymore. I’m tired of being with broken people with issues…Lord please help me to love myself enough to be alone.
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