I somewhat recently have moved a very long way from home. I can't find a job. I can't even get one at a fast food place, I've tried. I live off the money that I made from my other job, which is running out. I don't know what I am going to do when it runs out. I will be homeless.
Really, after a couple months of trying, you start to get really disheartened and depressed. It's tough hearing "no" umpteen times a week. So recently, I haven't even been trying. I have pretty much given up. I wake up, play some video games, watch some TV, and go to sleep. I'm just trying to stretch my money out as long as it can possibly be stretched.
"What about friends and family," you say?
"Well, this is why I suck," I say.
My family is great. They are well off for the most part. Middle middle class, very normal. If I asked them, they would let me stay with them until I got back on my feet, as long as it took. But I won't.
"Now why the fuck would you do that?" you are probably wondering.
Well, I have lied to them every step of the way. I told them I was moving because of a job opening. They don't know that I was ever fired. They don't know that I am not currently working, and haven't been for nearly a year. I'm not going to tell them, I have too much pride.
What I will do is continue on the path I am going on. I am so weak minded that I would rather financially (and likely otherwise) destroy myself than ask for help. I am so weak minded that I am not even going to try to remedy this situation. I am going to sit here, enjoy the last few weeks of my civilized existence, and either end it entirely, or sleep under a bridge. I haven't decided which.
Oh yea, I don't have any friends. I haven't actually spoken to any human being in... I forgot how long. The last time I went to the store I suppose, maybe a week ago? But when is the last time I actually had a conversation with another person? Well I talked to my mom on Christmas...
Oh yea, I am also a virgin, almost 26 years old. HAHA I AM SUCH A LOSER!
Reasons I am a virgin power rankings:
1. I'm a huge pussy with no confidence or sense of self-worth whatsoever, always been this way
2. I'm not all that attractive, legit 5/10, but once you take into account the fact that I am overweight and have very little muscle mass, I'm closer to a 2.5/10
3. I have no personality whatsoever. I am not funny, I am totally boring and bland. I might as well be a fucking robot.
The worst part about me is, I am never going to change. I am never even going to try to change. I have no ambition whatsoever. I don't even have enough drive to take the garbage out or clean up. I just throw some shit into the garbage, leave some other stuff out, and pile it up in a corner in my apartment. It doesn't even bother me until it gets difficult to move around, then maybe I will take out the trash or clean up a little bit. The dishes have been dirty for a couple weeks, and I don't care. Haven't had clean clothes in a while.
I am the epitome of human waste. A waste of resources, and an unnecessary burden to the world. I am completely useless, completely worthless, and my life sucks. It has sucked for the entirety of my life, but I will just focus on the present right now, unless you guys are REALLY interested to hear my whole life story. | |
That's the depression talking and taking over.
I'm a stranger and am "seeing" things from the outside, which make it easier for me to say what I'll say. It's up to you, though, to take any into consideration or not.
From what you wrote, I see 2 positive things:
-one, you can spell. Duh. Is that a big deal, you may ask? Yes, it shows you're not ignorant.
-two, you have some pride left in you. Pride IS a bad thing, however, that shows you still care.
I'm pretty sure that deep down inside, as though as it is to believe, you know that you can make things better.
I wish you the best of luck!
I am also a virgin and in my mid 20's. I am not ashamed of this at all. I live with my parents because the economy is bad and I went through unemployment and had my family help me out. I know I could have NOT gone through it by myself. Best of luck.
I used to comfort myself... but the reality bites and sucks you dry at the end of the day - I always wanted to be an optimist and was hoping that would somehow push me into becoming someone with aspirations and someone successful but its impossible for me after all - realistically speaking, I am the most pessimistic person you'd ever meet - worse than Cioran and Schopenhauer... and yet, I remain a realist and do not pat myself on the back for admitting it...
No advice ever helped me and no book ever helped me get a jolt of energy for more than an hour...
Is it okay to be like that? No... its weakness... society will ostracize you and life will bring you to your knees... but what can I do? NOTHING!
I wish I could kill myself but the biological imperative is too strong and I'm averse to pain...
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