I don't want to be here. I don't want to be in this situation. I'm sick of the drama, and the questions, and the hurting, and giving myself so many headaches over thinking and over analyzing this and questioning myself and other people. I don't like going to school. I hate going to school. I hate who I am.
I hate who I've become. I don't know who I've become. I'm lonely, I'm sad, I go crazy constantly. I don't cry anymore because it makes me sick of myself. I can't run from me. I don't have anywhere to go. I never know what I want to do, I just want to get away from myself. I don't know what to do. I never know what to do. I always mess up and fall back down.
I probably won't even send this to you because I'm a coward. Because I run from everything. Because I lose people. Apparently that's what I do. I repel people. And then I fall back down. Again and again, with no one to blame but me. Best friends have gotten up and left me. My best friend probably doesn't realize it, but she saved my life. People leave me, and she comes along, and loves me, stupid broken me, even before I really knew how much I needed her. If I ever lost her, or anything happened to her, I don't think I would make it this time.
I'm so done, so ready to give up, it kills me. I don't know what to live for. I have no goals, no hopes, no dreams. Sure, I smile, I laugh, but all I ever really want to do is punch myself in the face. I don't hate the people in this world because I don't need to, I hate myself enough to cover everyone. Yay me.
What am I good at? Well lets see.. I'm good at making my parents cry, I'm good at procrastination past the point of failure. I'm good at ignoring things that I don't want to acknowledge. I can sit here and type a pathetic breakdown message because that's just how pathetic I am. I'm not broken, I'm not suicidal, I'm just so far past the point of not giving a shit about myself that I would be fine with falling asleep and never waking up.
I don't really play guitar anymore. I don't doodle. I don't sing. I don't write. I sit here doing shit all not even caring. I do what I have to do in a day so people don't get worried. I don't want them to waste their time helping me. I'm not helpable. | |
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