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In Opposition

Posted by Nick_ebb at January 19, 2012
Tags: 2012 January  Sociopathy

I'm 22 and I really wish I'd just cease to exist. I'm too much of a pussy to actually kill myself. Since childhood, I've already noticed that I was different. No, not insane or mentally retarded but just too excessively shy and antisocial. But I want to be with people, too. Sure, I have friends and I have a perfect loving family anyone could ask for but, like the cliché goes "It's not you; it's me." I've also never been bullied - well maybe once in high school but bullying here in the country where I'm from is not a social norm and there was reconciliation after that instance when I did get bullied. I'm my own worst enemy. I'm my own monster. I grew up a loner though I had a good company of people around me. I don't know why but I generally want to be alone. I push people away when they start getting close. No, I distance myself away from them - AND I don't fucking know why? I hate myself being like this. When I am alone, that's when I crave for their company. I also have social anxiety issues. I can't stand being in public. Three years ago, things finally got out of hand, I remember that fateful week when I'd wake up in the morning and no longer have the desire to get up and do anything. My parents accompanied me to a psychiatrist. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and was prescribed to take Zoloft for the next 6 months. Things are better now but still, I get episodic attacks of depression every once in a while. And I really hate that! I can't possibly be on meds for the rest of this damn life? Fuck! I just know things will get worse as I've kept a journal on my depression. And looking back, all I can see are the bad stuff. Sometimes, my thoughts race with horrible ideas, nightmares and this prevents me from sleeping until around 5 or 6 in the morning. My family keeps telling me to help myself but they just don't understand what I go through every waking hour of my life. I do really bad in explaining. I just feel so fucked up! How can I help myself when I, myself, is the ultimate pessimist? Countering every positive thought. There are times when I try to be happy and just be content - I really do but, life, fate, the universe, God, or who or whatever is in charge of existence just constantly conspires against my general happiness. I'm not just saying that because I'm a paranoid pessimist but I really have noticed that every time I just try to be happy. Something bad always happens to ruin my day.

So, yeah, that's my story and fuck my life.


Similar Entries:
Forever sad. May 21, 2012
Metamorphosis March 30, 2012

New Comment

By anonymous at 07,Feb,12 21:05

Cut from the same cloth you and i, sometimes we just forget to hope

By anonymous at 08,Feb,12 00:30

pussy is an appropriate word. You don't appreciate what you have and you are crying about life when you should be thankful. Quit being a bitch.

By anonymous at 08,Feb,12 01:13

the main problem you seem to have is your pessimism. I'm also pessimistic but I've learned that life and reality are just products of your thoughts. Reality is objective until a human perceives it, then it becomes subjective. So your life sucks, and will continue to suck, until you change your pessimism into optimism.
How? I do this by reading a lot, especially about the problems that are bothering me. I'm broke, so I read a lot about finance and it motivates me to one day be rich. You're anti-social, so try reading about how to become more social. It will motivate you because you'll see you DON"T have to live like that. You are choosing to live like that, but you can choose to live as a social, functional human being.

Also, this might be harsh to hear but you're life doesn't seem that bad. You're family is probably far from perfect, but they went with you to the psychiatrist so that tells me they do care about you. And you're only 22. C'mon man, you just started living. Don't waste another day with bad thoughts. '

Start with a small step. Start reading about being social. Look at blogs and books. Then give yourself a small goal. Have a one-minute conversation with someone you don't know this week. It doesn't have to be a good conversation, just one-minute. Then you'll see you CAN be social, and that like anything else, it takes time and effort.

Good luck.

By anonymous666 at 08,Feb,12 01:25

Wow, these are pretty shitty responses. I know EXACTLY how you feel. I don't feel normal around other people/social phobia/all that shit. I've been on Prozac and Zoloft - didn't do shit. What I've been told that helps (although I've never actually been able to do it myself) is to counter the negative thoughts with positive thoughts (even if you don't believe them and they seem ridiculous) because negativity is a really bad habit to break. Try reading The Depression Cure by Stephen S. Ilardi - he has some good points. Hang on - I'm in the same fucking handbasket right there with you.

By anonymous at 08,Feb,12 02:27

I would like to find a class where they teach how to be positive. I battle with depression too. It is scary taking these man made pills, that will eventually wind up on one of those lawyer commercials. I'm taking cymbalta. Seemed to be working the first 3 months. Now I feel that I'm going backwards.
I would also like to find a class on visualization. I get the idea of what it is. I just don't know how to get started. I need a guide. Or a better book on the topic...

By anonymous at 08,Feb,12 07:44

depression would be an instant thing of the past of they'd allow people to purchase ketamine as the need it. i read that one small dose almost works instantly and the effects last for weeks. but of course, the govs aren't going to let that happen, or allow you to help yourself. we're just all brainless monkeys to them, we can't think for ourselves. we need to be told what's good for us, and they're obviously doing such a wonderful job. yea, how many different major depression pill companies are out there now, like 20 or so? thanks gov, you know everyone hates you and can't wait to see you collapse to your own ridiculous greed.

New Comment