Well...i spent 17 yrs on drugs,the last 8 or 9 of those shooting heroin, and everything else. I lost custody of my first child & still can't see her. I had a second child last year, he will be 1 in about 2 wks. They took him at birth, but a combination of wanting him with me and just being exhausted of living how i had been made me decide to not only get clean, but to get the help i'd been pushing away for years and actually get sober (there is a difference). I have pushed on and will have a year sober in a little less than a month. I also have the little boy back in my custody. I am in college, my second semester, and on the dean's list with a 4.0. I have a number of things i never had before, but i feel like nothing matters still. Life is catching up with me, physically and emotionally. My hair has been falling out heavily the last cpl months, i am skinny & can't gain weight back, i feel like shit all the time, so apparently something is wrong. Spiritually i feel bankrupt, and when i look at myself in the mirror i still see a sick-looking, used up, ugly, worthless dopehead. Knowing that i am ultimately to blame doesn't make it any better. To make things worse, my son's father (we have been living together) is a sexy dude who dresses to the nine's every day, things constantly go his way,and girls everywhr look at him constantly, like i'm not standing right there. They realize i'm worthless, too, & see me as no competition. I don't have the clothes, looks, or body to be seen with him, or to compare to them, and i'm so flatchested it's sad and pathetic. I got made fun of always & they never grew any more. Skinny-ass legs, arms, no chest...i look pre-pubescent. When i do try to look nice it doesn't work. I can't fill anything out & clothes never look the way they should. I didn't get sober to feel like this, and i'm even more sick of everyone's generic, bullshit advice & words of wisdom. "Accept urself, love who u are, it's not about what u wear....." blah blah all from ppl with great hair and new shoes and nice clothes. Nothing matters, nothing works. | |
I am assuming that you and your son's father are a couple since you state that you go out together and feel that you cannot compete with the other girls. Based on the fact that he dresses to the nines, I am curious as to why he does not contribute to your wardrobe? I am not suggesting that men are to be suppliers of everything a woman dreams of, but if he cares, would he not want to show you how much he cares by helping you in areas that you may not be able to provide for yourself? Just curious. I just believe that if someone deserves my time and affection, they should also be willing to give their time and affection right back to me in equal quantity. Otherwise the dude does not deserve you.
It breaks my heart, first of all, that you feel that you are worthless. I used to feel that way too, but then when I started looking at myself through the eyes of the people who needed me most, I knew that I wasn't worthless. Your son needs you. To him you are the most valuable resource that he could ever have.
In reading your post I have learned so many positive things about you:
- you are very good at communicating your thoughts
- you are able to admit that you made mistakes
- you were willing to make positive choices to change
- you are a fighter (you would have to be to kick those habits)
- you are successful (a quitter wouldn't have come as far as you have! You go girl!!)
- you are determined
- you are persistant
- you are strong
- you are smart
- you are wise (you seek advise)
- you are caring
- you have changed for the better (child welfare must think so if they gave you your son back!)
- and you are funny ... I love your no bull-shit attitude! lol it made me chuckle :)
I hope this helps you see yourself in a different light. When you believe something it defines who you become. I wish you all the success you can handle and twice as much happiness for the rest of your life! :)
Blessings to you!
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