OK so I'm not going to go into much detail, but I will hit the major points of how I've been tortured and made to feel less than by virtually everyone I've ever known.
1) My family doesnt know anything about my taste in food or drink, thinks my taste in tv and movies is "crap" and mostly speaks to me to tell me that I have to do something with my life because I "used to be so smart and had so much potential". Some of them also take every opportunity to crack jokes and belittle me for my sexuality.
2) As for friends my first and best (my mother) is dead and I had to kill her because she asked me to. In actuality all I did was sign a DNR order. But it felt like killing to me. As for the other friends I've had there were a few until my 12th year when I allowed myself to be sexually assaulted by one of them to spare my 6 year old brother from it, and was beaten by my father for it. While he was beating me he told me that if I wanted to be a faggot that he would have nothing to do with me ever again. He denies it to this day. I shut myself down emotionally to be able to deal with the betrayal from my friend and my father. I didn't have a friend again until high school when I got the lead in the play in my first year(Dracula). I saw a few psychologists that didn't understand me and kept trying to tell me what I was feeling and always got it wrong. Then I made some bad choices trying to be "one of the guys and landed in prison, where I met my current best friend who is straight and I am in love with. He knows how I feel and is very cool about it. He's the best friend I have and I can't look at him without dying a little inside because he can't love me back the same way. I can't relate to any of the people I hang out with gay or straight because I can't bring myself to care about the relationships of either the straight ones because I don't understand how they can stand the nonsense that their women get pissed off over, or the gay ones because I am jealous of them and because I rarely have anything in common with any guy I find attractive. Also I find it hard to be friends with any woman who plays games with their other half rather than just come out and say what they mean and\or feel, for example "if you don't get it im not going to explain it to you". I ask you where is the intelligence in that. Of course thats not to say women are stupid but the majority I have met certainly wouldn't know logic if they gave birth to it.
3) On to employment. I have a criminal record and never went to college (my own fault) that keeps me from most well paying jobs that I am qualified for, not that I would enjoy them. I actually enjoy physical labor but with any job I would get that is physical I would end up working with a few homophobes and I'm not going back into the closet. I'm not a stereotype but I hate having to play the pronoun game making everything gender non-specific. Also I find it hard to work for someone who won't change the way things are done just because its the way its always been, even though there is a better and more efficient way to do things.
4) I really don't like most people but I hate being alone with myself. My mind races, memories flood back, and the only things that help are getting stoned, drunk or pretending to care about other peoples problems so I don't have to be left alone with my own. Thank Hollywood for movies and tv shows that teach people like me how to fake interest and seem genuine.
5) Relationships are not at all easy. I'm an all or nothing kind of guy when it comes to feelings I don't really have a happy medium, just extremes. That's why I try to keep to these 3: feel good towards, feel bad towards, and indifferent to. Otherwise I can become obsessive or hateful depending on the person.
In closing I'd like to apologize for being so long winded, and ask that anyone who posts a comment on this to please try not to be an internet bully. I think we've all had enough of that in our lives which is why I left out my 25 years of experience in that field.
Thanks for reading,
Dr. Q | |
New Comment