I am a 19 year old college student, i was raised with a murderer for a father and a pretty good mother i amthankful for that.When i was young i was yelled at till i cryed i feel as this was a big problem with me, my father is a poor man addicted to cocaince and marijuana, he lives in a trailer, the roof was blown off in a hurricane, or atleat the second roof so now when it rains, he puts buckets out to catch the water, he would rather spend his money on drugs then fix it.I used to love the rto c it rain, now i feal sad because i know my father is on bucket padrol. He has murdered plp, i havent ever seen this but my mother has told me. when i was young i was tricked into masturbating a man off, at such a young age i had no idea what i was doing, even tho it wasnt like i got but fucked it still hurts i got taken advantage of. My mother eventually got a divorce from my father aftertons of abuse, like hitting and kicking, one night he attemped to murder her, by cutting her neck open. I know all these things about my father but i still love him,sometimes i hope he would die just so i dont have to worry about him anymore.As i entered turned 2 i started experimenting with lots of drugs, i smoked marijuana for 6 years straight, i did lots of cocaine, one time i stole 600 dollors from my mom just to by a oz off cocaine. I mainly blame my depression on extascy i have done at least 300 pilss of x in my life time, some times i felt like dieing after words , and honestly i would have rather been dead. I have taken acid, ketamine, xanax,r2s, c, salvia,dmt, whip its, lots of alcohol, crack, ampetamines, adderall with out a presciption, so i dont think all this had a positve role in my up brings, i was fat my whole life, picked on by the other kids, i alos had a speech problem, at the age of 16 i joined a mma academy this helped alot about mental problems, i lost all my weight now i am thin, but i still strive for perfection and i can never get it, i have never loved any body my whole life besides my family and i dont think im even capable.Now im 100 percent drugs free and i still dont feel all quiet there if u know what i mean. Im am in college doing the right thing but i always feel inadaquit, i wish i would just die, but i dont have the guts to comit suicide.