life sucks. had an abusive boyfriend who used me for all of my money. he taught me how to commit fraud as well. i lied to my parents to get money and cried to them when he'd hit me and mentally abuse me. he was ashamed of me because of my race, hes called me racist names and said his friends make fun of him. he is 29 though and still living at home with parents and his brother and sister in law. we broke up. dad treats me like garbage, only had dad in my life...mom is mental case and abuses meds cuz my brother was killed. shes been abusing meds since i was little and dad took custody of us. he treats me like crap, mocks me, taunts me for being poor. he sends money here and there, sometimes sends nothing and i have no food to eat. i starve for weeks sometimes.i have a BA degree, spent all time in college being sad and depressed, and w/ abuser. i could not carve out a career, too busy being sad and on antidepressants...tried to die and almost did. had liver failure, was raped and police did nothing because i was drunk. i said no to man who did it though, i remember saying no and he even admitted now that he did it. he got away with it. i feel like a slut who deserved it. I dnt talk to anyone now, everybody uses me, friends too so i am afraid to trust cuz i dnt wanna be hurt anymore. i stay alone in my room looking for jobs on craigslist all of the time. nobody hiring me, not enough experience. and the fraud, now i cannot use my debit card for 6 months, its humiliating. i am no catching any breaks in life. i want to move back home w/ dad so i can find direction...he says i am not allowed there and says no i cannot go there. i was visiting near there for a wedding b4 and he would not let me visit him, said, "no meet me in a parking lot where walmart is." i was sick, very sick like i was dying...i had strangers taking care of me in their home cuz dad would not help me. i have no medical insurance and i feel sick a lot. sometimes just want to die...no pleasures in life. there is one man who i am seeing, so jealous and possessive...i wont leave cuz i have nobody else and i loved him before. he dnt do enough for me though...
i am still depressed, except no more meds or therapists...havent tried to die in years now. i only think about it, never put it into action anymore.i feel one day i will jump off of a cliff though or crash car just to die..its building up. life is not good if you are poor, have to depend on parents who hate you, and too depressed to work. im trying hard to survive. i really am and im lucky, but so discouraged, so discouraged. im only 24. once my dad gets fed up w/ me completely, then i will be living in a dumpster
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i already responded to your previous entry...
read it up
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