My heart still aches...it has been over 9 months since my son took his life. I keep wishing that I'd visited him up at school a day before he did this, on his birthday. I may have seen signs if I had done so! He may have put this off and reconsidered, had he seen me. Had he come home for the summer after college--I may have had opp. to see how sad he was and gotten him help. At the very least, I could have hugged him and told him I loved him one last time. He killed himself the day before he was supposed to return from college, one day after his 20th birthday. I still can't believe this is real sometimes. I feel as though I am in a nightmare from which I cannot wake up. I miss him so much and hope so much that he is at peace and happy and safe. I worry that there is nothing after this life, and that he is completely gone and that I will never get to feel his presence ever again. I will never be a grandmother-I may as well start smoking again if i want to. I quit to see my boy and his children. I was the type of person that would have gladly quit her job to watch his children. I wanted to take him and his family to Europe some day, to the Outer Banks..to anywhere he wanted to go. I loved him. I sometimes wonder if he loved me. How could he leave like this, without even saying goodbye, without letting me help when I offered..how could he do this when I know that he knew my heart would ache for an eternity-it makes me think that he must have hated me.....held me in little regard...had no respect or love for me. | |
You have every right to grieve, but please don't feel guilty. You are not responsible for what happened. Understand that others have suffered similar losses (myself included), and we have found ways to survive. I would suggest that you try to shift your focus. It's not easy, I know. I have a friend who volunteers at a local animal shelter, and doing so is helping her deal with a terrible grief. Please think about this. Best wishes to you.
I don't personally believe in God, so I don't hold that there's some sort of afterlife in the traditional sense. But I can assure you of something that, at least to me, is far more comforting and beautiful. At a subatomic level every single human being, every ant and rock and tree and cloud; are all connected. Part of you is in your son, and part of him is in you still. His physical being is a part of everything around you now, every single blade of grass, the window of your car, the breeze that blows through your hair. It's not a spiritual myth either, it's scientific fact, and yet it is so wonderful to realize that those we have loved are never really gone. They become a part of us and everything we can see.
If you truly feel as if there is no longer a point to your life though, as if you simply want to curl up and die... do me a favor first. Leave your home, your job, your friends and take off into the unknown. Visit Europe on your own, see all the places you wanted your son to see, hike the ancient trails of Ireland for a time, or climb the Eiffel tower. Forget about the foolish things like money for a time, after all you and your sons memory are far more important than material possessions. So leave everything behind. I believe you will find hope and joy once again, even if it takes a dozen years or more.
Live for yourself and everything you wanted for your son.
All my best wishes and love, one human being to another.
Peace and long life.
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