I am 19 years old. And everyone I have ever loved in my entire life is dead. I'm not exaggerating.
My baby brother died when I was 10. We were playing down by the lake like we always did, and he fell in. I didn't know how to swim, I was scared of the water. I remember watching him struggle to stay afloat and I was screaming at my parents to come and help. But they were in the house and it wasn't within earshot of the lake. Finally he stopped struggling and just disappeared, I jumped in, I couldn't stand by and do nothing, that was the moment I taught myself to swim. I dove underneath and tried to open my eyes to look for him but the water was muddy and I couldn't see anything. I was crying so hard that I could barely breathe even when I was above water. I finally managed to grab his hand and pull him out. My parents had seen what was happening by then and ran to help. I can still here my mom screaming. She just wouldn't stop screaming. When the ambulance came he was pronounced dead at the scene, he was just six.
My parents died 5 years later in a car accident. It was raining and they skidded off the road and over bank. My father died instantly but my mom didn't. I was called out of class in school to be told what happened. They took me to the hospital where they had my mom on bypass. I got to say goodbye to her, but her injuries were too severe for her to survive. I don't know how I managed to get through that. The called my aunt to come and help me through it, she was young and just out of college, she was heartbroken that her sister had just died and was in no shape to comfort a distraught 15 year old.
I went slightly off the rails after that. But not in the normal way of partying hard and drinking. The doctor prescribed me some pretty strong pain meds and I took about 8 a day. They made me numb, they made me sleep and forget everything. I worked way too hard at school just so I wouldn't have time to be doing nothing. I distanced myself from my friends, I barely spoke, I just went through the motions of life.
And then, when I was 17 I met HIM. He was so unbelievably gorgeous, he was perfect in every way. He was 22 and he helped me. The first time I met him, I was being hassled by some jerk in a supermarket and he came over and made sure I was ok. I think he could see that I was sort of lost. He was so kind to me. We became friends. He would come over in the evenings and cook for me and my aunt! He was an amazing cook, he could make the most delicious food. He drove me to school every day, and helped me with my homework, he even got me off the pain meds! I was completely in love with him, but I was convinced he didn't like me like that. And then I had a sort of breakdown.. I felt like everything just hit me at once and I didn't know what to do. I went to the bathroom and I slit my wrists. It wasn't that I wanted to die, it was just that I didn't understand death. I didn't know why everyone had to die, and I just wanted to stop hurting. I wasn't thinking clearly.
At the last minute I called him and told him what I'd done. I said that I was sorry. The next thing I knew I was waking up in hospital. He was there and his eyes were all red from crying. He got so angry with me, he said that if I wasn't there he wouldn't have anything left. He told me he loved me. Despite everything, that was the single happiest moment of my life. He looked at me with his beautiful, warm eyes and said that he loved me, only me, always me.
We had relationship from there on, it was actually more than a relationship it was like a partnership, we were two halves, we completed each other. I know you're scoffing and thinking that that sort of thing doesn't exist. Take it from me, it does. He was my everything. He made me smile again, he taught me to laugh and have fun. He healed me. He was the love of my life, he was my soulmate and I was his.
On December 3rd 2011 He was killed in a bar fight. I can't even write those words without bursting into tears. He was defending me, we had gone there for a night out, to have a good time. I went outside to take a call and some biker guy followed me out. He grabbed me and shoved me against a wall, everything is just a blur from then on. I remember screaming, I remember HIM coming for me, pulling the guy off me, checking to see if I was hurt, stroking my hair, telling me everything was ok, I was safe. And then suddenly he was on the ground and his head was bleeding. There was so much blood, so much blood. i think the other guy ran off, but I didn't really notice. I remember pulling him into my lap and cradling his head in my arms. I remember telling him that I loved him, that I would always love him. I remember him looking at me like I was the whole world. And then he just drifted off, he just suddenly wasn't there anymore. One second he was looking into my eyes and then his eyes were empty, he was just gone.
I haven't spoken a word out loud since that moment. I am writing this from my hospital bed, where I have an IV in my arm because I refuse to eat. I don't want to be alive. I don't see the point in anything, I just want to die so I can be with him.
I can't live with this much pain. I'm cursed. Why does everyone I love have to leave me?