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It should just end.

Posted by anonymous at March 3, 2012
Tags: Childhood  Health  2012 March  Relationship

Hey, my name is Alana. I'm 21 years old, and I wish I was dead, because it is easier then living. I was an orphan. I have no idea who my parents are, but I do know that my mother was 16 when she had me and she gave me up to an orphanage. Well, at least she didn't abort me, but maybe that would've been better. I lived in the orphanage until I was 13 years old, when a couple decided to adopt me. It was hard, because most people don't adopt the older kids, but they finally did. It turns out, this couple was actually involved in child pornography and a ring of sexual abuse and illegal prostitution. Of course, I was forced into it almost every night. If I didn't satisfy at least four customers a night, I wasn't given dinner and I was beaten. During the days I had to still attend school, but my teachers would scold me for never completing homework and assignments. I tried to tell them about my situation at home, and I tried to get help but I was afraid to tell anyone. When I turned 16 I ran away from the house, and I lived on the street for about a year, when I met a young man who I thought I loved. But who the hell am I kidding, I don't know what love even means. At 16 I moved in with this man, who was about 25 at the time, I guess. I didn't really know him, but I assured myself that it was a better option than living homeless. This man was good to me at first, and I thought my life was looking up. We had sexual relations, but I could never enjoy them being scared from before. I knew not to trust this animal, but I had no choice. He started raping me often. I had to escape from him as well, this time I took a train and went as far as its last stop to get away from all the abuse. Later, I discovered I was actually pregnant from this man. I had to live in a homeless shelter, as a pregnant woman. I'd puke in side streets, and I grew to be very sick. One day in the shelter, I felt a horrible pain in my lower abdomen. They rushed me to a hospital, where I miscarried the child. I was then diagnosed with Multiple sclerosis which is an autoimmune disease that affects the brain and spinal cord. I am currently under hospital care. They have nice things to do here like read books, watch tv, and they even have iPads with fun apps and an internet connection (which is where I'm writing from now). Ever day I have to deal with doctors coming in and saying "Don't worry, you will live" but I'd rather hear them say "You will die soon." I don't want to continue living, I'm not going to contribute anything to this world. I body is in constant pain, and I can only function with heavy pain-killers. I need to eat through injections most of the time, and I need assistance to do menial tasks like going to the bathroom. If I died, at least the doctors and nurses could direct their attention to someone who's life is worth saving.


New Comment

By anonymous at 07,Mar,12 21:25


By anonymous at 07,Mar,12 21:34

Hi. Read up on some subjects learn a few skills and become good at them. The teach those to other people. That will give life meaning. Or get a musical instrument.

Google Aubrey De Grey and SENS and watch some videos on youtube


You could devote time and effort to the SENS cause. that would help others.

By anonymous at 08,Mar,12 00:57

Try giving your life to God. (:
By anonymous at 08,Mar,12 13:16

Try giving REAL advice.

By anonymous at 08,Mar,12 02:49

Your life has got to mean something. You have been through so much, and you are STILL alive. Your life is not worthless- use it to help someone else. Frankly, this life is not about you. There are numerous children, frighted to death in similar situations as you were in your childhood. Why can't you help them? I don't know you, but I believe in you. I will never forget your story.

By anonymous at 08,Mar,12 03:50

just remember there love that God will never put you through something you cant overcome!!!! all you have been through has tauht you lessons!!! lesson you will teach to the generation head of you!!! Keep your head up soldier!!!


By anonymous at 08,Mar,12 16:05

And your so called "LOVING GOD" put her through this on to learn a lesson? Your god is really stupid, because he made people like you. Moron.

By anonymous at 08,Mar,12 12:03

Phrases like " God loves you.", " Life is precious." are cliches, aren't they? At least they don't touch my heart.

Life is hard. I wish I was dead, too. I am not contributing anything to the world.

It made me wonder if your story was actually true, since it sounded like something out of a movie script.If it was true, I am sorry for asking the question.

More importantly, I just want to give you a hug.

They say that if one commits suicide, one will be where he/she is when he/she was alive, figuratively. That's why suicide is not really the answer to me. I am trying to find the answer to life for a long time. Then again, so did a lot of smart poeple through out the history. Even they couldn't, how could I?

Wishing you warmth and happiness.

By anonymous at 08,Mar,12 14:21

this is a bullshit story. none of its true... if u need help with mental tasks then how the hell did you write this? exactly....
By anonymous at 08,Mar,12 16:09

Ipads are pretty easy to use, many people who are sick, disabled etc are using them.

Big hugs to the original poster.

By anonymous at 08,Mar,12 22:50

She wrote "menial" tasks....not "mental" tasks.....which means she needs help doing small, basic tasks like drinking from a glass or using a fork...and as multiple sclerosis gets worse over time..she will lose her ability to use an iPad too....

There are some extremely ignorant and insensitive commenters on her. And for the person constantly dissing God....let God be as real to someone as they want .... who are you to prove either way?! Each individual is entitled to their own beliefs and pushing agendas on others is exactly why we have so many wars and killings back off and show some respect for others view points.

By anonymous at 09,Mar,12 00:09

i feel so bad but trust me i've seen worse
By tina at 09,Mar,12 00:11

everything happen for a reason

By anonymous at 09,Mar,12 01:16

My Tears for u... I'm living this life only for two persons who mad at me. If not me too join with you.

By anonymous at 08,Apr,12 12:45

you should sue your devilish adoptive parents to pay for their wrongs and stop them from ruining other children's lives.

By anonymous at 08,Apr,12 13:03

I am so sorry or what you have been through. If you make it through I wish you the best in finding a stable job and a loving significant other and just getting your life on track. If you don' will be in heaven with the Lord waiting for the rest of us. Stay strong love.

By at 14,Apr,12 01:08

wow ur story is amazing ur still alive even though u went thru all that hell have u thought about telllin them at hospital all u have gone thru they have trauma groups u could attend i am speaking from experience i was sexually assaulted by my father ages 4 to 7 anal and molestation and he forced me to have oral sex with him so trust me it gets better i have even been raped 3 seperate times so i knw how painful it is so dont give up

By anonymous at 18,Apr,12 02:23

Give your life to Satan, he will make it all better!!

By mc slendaah at 12,Aug,12 15:33



By velaparivaar at 08,Dec,12 12:07

Nice post, thanks. I really love it.

By 2014 North Face Suzanne Triclima at 05,Nov,14 10:21

dia tidak dapat menolak apabila melihat kebimbangan di wajah lelaki itu walaupun dia tahu dirinya itu tidak sepatutnya dibiarkan bersentuhan dengan lelaki yang bukan mahram dengannya.ˇ± ucap Zafril semasa berjalan beriringan dengan Kasih.ˇ° Kau ni, Bagaikan mimpi, Nurul pun suka dengan Amir jadi pak cik rasa tak salah.Mohd Zahril bin Zainal. Apa ni?i

By Air Jordan9 at 21,Mar,15 07:17

ˇ±ˇ°Tapi awak berubah terlalu banyak Nurul.ˇ±ˇ°Erm. ˇ°Abang tengah final exam masa Abang Awish called dulu. Tetapi jawapan itu hanya abangnya sahaja tahu. Tidak pernah dia di perlakukan begitu!??Maaflah.??Macam nilah. Minggu ni ada kenduri kahwin kat kampung tu Kalau Zaf nak pergi pergilah Mak dapat surat jemputan tapi tengoklah mak tak janji dapat pergi?? ujar Mak Jah??Kenduri apa Mak Jah?? terdengar satu suara bertanya Zafran dan Mak Jah menoleh Kelihatan Sofia sedang berdiri di belakang mereka Wajahnya sedikit masam??Kenduri kahwin di kampung sebelah Tuan Razman dapat surat jemputan tak?? soal Mak Jah Selalunya kalau ada kenduri kahwin majikannya tidak terlepas dari surat undangan??Tak taulah. akulah orang pertama yang menyibuk-nyibuk nak tengok siapa pulak yang datang ke rumah mereka di waktu pagi begini. Entah apa yang dia dengar pun aku tak tau.ˇ±Lina menggeleng kepalanya.Sejak berada dua tahun di Bandar Lina sudah mengenali banyak ceruk rantau di kawasan pengajian.

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