LIFE SUCKS

Another Sad Story

Last February, I was arrested, and I ended up spending 26 days in jail for sending apologetic, obsessive, and stupid e-mails to a woman who wanted nothing to do with me. I used to have a good job, a nice apartment, and good community. My life was beginning to move in a positive direction. I now have a criminal record, and I lost my job in October. I am fortunate enough to live in the back room of someone in my communities house. But I have been here for 4 months already, and I know I need to leave sooner or later. I have no money, $1.06 to my name. I have applied for many jobs but no luck. My family lives in a foreign country, and I feel very alone, and without direction. I am angry at myself, and at G-d, and very sad that I have lost so much control over my life, and I have a criminal record for something upsetting, and for being hurtful. I feel suicidal a lot of times, and like my life makes no sense. I strive to be a good person, but I get very lost. I am homosexual, and transgender, and I feel a lot of guilt and shame, I feel I am a bad person. I used to be happy. I feel I have no identity and no integrity, and I wish I did. I cry a lot, because I am not sure what I should do. I am waiting for my unemployment cheques but the process got slowed down. I can't pay for therapy. I don't know, from what I understand, my father suffered from a stroke, and I have not been able to talk him. I don't have much of a relationship with family anymore. I hate my life. I have mood swings that leave me very depressed or elated that I have to suppress because I don't want to get in trouble, I don't want to hurt anyone, and I don't want to be crazy. I feel very distant from G-d and from myself, and for everything that ever had meaning to me. I feel very sad, and I was raised to have a lot of faith, but the reality of things getting better seem very distant, and I feel G-d or society is punishing me for things I understand and don't understand. I've made a lot of mistakes, I believe I am a nice person, I wish my life had meaning. I wish if G-d is real, that I get help, motivation, and direction, I feel very alone, depressed, broken, and brokenhearted. I wish to be successful in this life, and I want to be happy doing it, and be a good person. I don't know the meaning of life, but I pray to G-d there is a good one.