All this bothers me every day so I just want to say it and try to get some advice or kind words.
I am 19 and moved to a new city over 7 months ago with my mother and have been going downhill since. I have not had a job and have spent all my credit card money on alcohol and weed because I was depressed and figured it wouldn't be a problem because I was going to kill myself when I was out of money.
I got arrested one night and woke up with more problems than just being unable to adapt to a new city - I was hurting my mother emotionally with the drinking and I just got arrested! I still felt depressed but knew I had to go to court and fix the problem. It took about 4 months of going to meetings and court (and since I was broke I had to walk 30mins- over an hour to these places).
Now I need to get money. So I became a prostitute for a while and it was a terrible experience. I did it first for about a week and the "men" I was working for robbed me and I only got $300 dollars which I had already promised my mother. So then I worked for another person, a girl, and it was going fine. I did start to feel incredibly sick though and felt like I was dying. One client came to me for an outcall and we started to talk and become acquainted. He told me I was being ripped off by the girl and he could take me home or help me make money by other means. So I took a chance and went with him.
This next situation was just plain stupid on my part - he told me I could give him my $2000 that I had and put it into dealing coke - or I could go home with what I had. I was greedy and went with the coke deal. I had to go home for a bit during the process because at the time I was still in the middle of court. I have not seen a penny since and have only talked to him once - he says the police took everything and he was in jail and he has nothing. I don't know what to believe, all I can do is keep getting on him through e-mail call and text about my money.
So I am broke and the reason I was sick was gonorrhea (which is treated now) and pregnancy. I have a baby 5 months along and I am broke. I can't talk about it with the father of the baby because he would hate to hear the things I did and he already doubts the baby is his (and shamefully, so do I. I had sex with other men and him all in a period of a few days of eachother at the date of conception). I also can't even have sex with him because I was too scared to tell him I have warts so he thinks I am clean and just don't want to have sex with him; and so we just aren't close at all.
I am broke and I am still looking for work because I want to do everything I can for my baby. I am applying for welfare but it is not easy to get. The upside is my family supports me and I have a place for the baby and me to live and eat well (I am only upset because I feel like a failure for not being able to provide it) and the father also wants to do the best for his child.
Sorry for the long post, I hope somebody can read it and give a kind word or some advice but I just needed to rant! | |
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