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All Hope Is Lost

Posted by IAmCalamity at March 23, 2012
Tags: Loneliness  2012 March  Sociopathy

I have been trapped in a wretched situation my entire life which, being only 19 years, is not yet long. Last year was to be the last year; the time which I had been waiting and preparing for had come. No, I do not mean suicide; I merely mean to refer to a course of events that would permit me to deliver myself into respite, the nature of which I shall not go into for the sake of brevity. Unfortunately, when the time did come, I was frustrated once more and nothing eventuated. Now I am still trapped and I fear I may remain to be trapped for some considerable time.

I had felt myself drifting away, I had long since been aware of the increasing gap, not only between me and society, but also between me and those directly around me.
I did hope to stagnate this process, even to reverse it.

But there will be no transfiguration.

I know this now as I sink further into my own depths, haplessly observing the faint and ever diminishing vestiges of my relevance glimmering quietly in the past.

Sometimes, when I slip beyond the realm of conscious oblivion, I rouse suddenly in the midst of nervous commotion, a silent dread roaring around me, a grimacing blackness.
These visitations of terror are brief and quickly dispelled by my desolation, though they would be sooner resolved by affection.

No, my loneliness is so intense as to be almost tangible; I want to be loved, I can not describe what it is to be regarded with such indifference, to be so isolated. I can't bear it any longer. Is there nothing in me that can be loved? Perhaps I am such an unattractive wretch in general that my better qualities are of little significance. Perhaps I'm a bad person.
No, I can not imagine how anyone could ever come to love me; why do I torture myself with false hope?

Worse still is that I am not in the least bit misanthropic; I love humanity, I love people, so my exclusion is made doubly painful.

I'm a wandering hell.

Suicide? How can a dead man kill himself? Besides, if I am to will my own existence to a premature end, it will be by the inordinate amounts of alcohol with which I sabotage myself.
The destruction of the self; the last and perhaps kindest remnants of my serfdom.

I've only just woken up and already I feel the pangs of fatigue, so I'll sleep now.


Similar Entries:
Seriously? March 27, 2012
Love Lost November 29, 2011
Lonely  April 12, 2011
Desolation May 24, 2012
hopeless January 22, 2012

New Comment

By anonymous at 23,Mar,12 12:28

i think u should meet me 9015695574

By December at 23,Mar,12 14:38

Are you a poet?
By IAmCalamity at 23,Mar,12 23:40

I'm a composer of music but I more or less practice all of the arts; I especially enjoy drama and poetry.
And philosophy.
By December at 24,Mar,12 14:02

I knew it! I enjoy poetry,music and philosophy myself, I'm a writer,however I'm not so good with the language(yet) as you are.
I'm sorry you feel this way, I too have similar emotions, it helps sometimes to express them through art. I'm pretty sure most artists felt this way.Unfortunately there isn't much advise I can give,pulling yourself out of the misery is a lonely battle.
Don't kill yourself with alcohol though, I honestly believe it to be a shame someone that can use words so beautifully to be spared from this world.
By anonymous at 27,Mar,12 17:48

I like pie

By Cursed at 23,Mar,12 15:31

Geez kid-
I had to refer to my online dictionary to understand half the words that you threw out there!
Drinking won't solve your problems. Just makes you more depressed. Trust me.
You've got your youth- I'd love to be 19 again. It does get better, with time, and you've got your whole life ahead of you!
Seems like you enjoy writing, why not become a poet like December suggested?
Good luck kid-

By anonymous at 23,Mar,12 23:17

Jeez, so abstract. You're good at telling your feelings, but I cannot gauge your loneliness against mine unless I hear your story. And yes, loneliness is the worst kind of pain, I agree --I am an asian man with the smallest penis in the world-- therefore I am the epitome of loneliness. no doors will open for me, and america is biased against asians, we are a joke, I have to always fight and prove myself to other races --unsuccessfully, and no I am not one of those smart asians otherwise I'd buy my own happiness. You may say that I'm imagining it, but until you've experienced it, experienced what its like to be shrugged off as unimportant, not good enough to hang out with, not good enough to love, that feeling of being inferior, 2nd rate trash.
By IAmCalamity at 23,Mar,12 23:38

It would take far too long to explain everything. The purpose of this was to explain how I feel, not why.

By anonymous at 24,Mar,12 05:47

All I have to say is... although, I did not directly understand what every word meant... I understood it, because this is exactly how I am and feel on a daily basis.

By MiseryLovesCompany at 24,Mar,12 23:37

You're describing me, I'm also 19 only I'm a girl. College was supposed to be the start of the greatest four years of my life. I thought I would leave my friends from high school who didn't care about me behind and move to a new state for college. I thought I could have a fresh start, forget past pain, find a lot of friends, and love life. Instead it feels worse, I feel lonely even when a crowd of people are around me. I go to one of the top business schools, and academically I'm doing better than in high school! I should be happy. I don't have any friends really, my best friend just left for medical reasons. The friends I have I don't feel connected to, we only go out on weekends together.
I'm pretty and have a good sense of humor I just have trouble reaching out to others, I'm afraid of rejection. When I go out all I do is over drink and self medicate, and I always repeat bad mistakes. I think I just self-destruct my own life and I'm not sure why. I'm tired of coping with my loneliness by making myself numb. Tonight the numbness won't stay and I found this beautiful writing that describes exactly what I'm going through.Thanks for sharing. If you ever feel like talking with me anonymously my e-mail is :)
By MiseryLovesCompany at 24,Mar,12 23:43

I feel like my description looks dim-witted next to yours

By anonymous at 25,Mar,12 10:32

I hate to say it, but this is not particularly good writing. It's cliched, over-the-top and stilted, although it does get the message across successfully.

You've clearly got a decent vocabulary and are bright, but there's no need to show the core of the best writing is conciseness. Slightly misusing words to show you know them will only make you look like a fool if any real writers or knowledgeable readers were to ever come across your writing. "Eventuated" is a word, but "happened" would have done fine here (for example).

My advice is to read the work of other writers, not to copy them of course, but more to get an idea of how the writing process works.

-BassAlien (PS: I am actually a novelist and short story writer, so this isn't just random spouting from a lay source. I'm trying to help you hone your skills. The best gift an artist can ever receive is brutally honest criticism).
By IAmCalamity at 25,Mar,12 19:16

I'm not a writer.
By anonymous at 25,Mar,12 21:02 Fold Up

why shouldn't he show off his talent? maybe you're just jealous that you're a seasoned novelist/short story writer who couldn't write in this style successfully. Nothing is wrong with using a strong vocabulary, some people enjoy reading literature that's more intellectually challenging.
By anonymous at 28,Mar,12 06:04

What follows is completely unsolicited constructive criticism: IAmCalamity, I know that you are a poet and not a prose writer; please ignore what follows if you (understandably) do not feel that advise on writing style is what you're looking for from this board.

...I have to agree with the comment made 25/3, 10:32. You clearly put a lot of thought and effort into trying to communicate the nuances of your situation, and you clearly have a very advanced vocabulary.

However, what I have found is that the most compelling and relatable writing is always driven by genuine and uncensored emotion. Like the best music and art. A piece written in very simple language with spelling mistakes is usually more effective than a piece written with less well known words where the genuine emotion is lost. If a sentence isn't coming naturally, then usually it isn't going to sound natural.

The core of the best writing usually IS conciseness (this is why I'll never be a good writer!).

For both of the above reasons, successful authors will very often borrow the style of a less literate narrator then themselves for greater impact with the reader, who is then often able empathise and identify more with that narrator (for example see every young adult best-seller...).

It also helps to give the reader some tangible details of your life so that they can picture you as a real person; I noticed that were no identifying details in your post e.g. where you live, whether you study/work, what your family/relationship situation is like. The problem is that to reach out to others and invite them inside your world (whether as a friend who's hurting, or as a writer) you have to make yourself vulnerable. This is something that I struggle with a lot; if you are naturally cautious or have been hurt before, it is tempting to try to have relationships without showing enough of yourself to be vulnerable. But I have found that life doesn't work that way; if you want intimacy and to feel loved for who you really are, you have to GIVE intimacy.

I don't know if this will help at all, but if you are interested in opening up and sharing your emotions with people in an anonymous way, you could try writing for a site like fan If there is a fictional character or relationship that you relate to or that resonates deeply with you, you could try exploring your emotions in the context of a fanfic focusing on these characters. Although it is fairly anonymous, you have to be very emotionally honest to publicly explore your deepest desires and psychological make-up. If you can do so it's a good way to connect with other people who will genuinely understand your emotional situation without knowing you, through shared reference points.

Sorry for the long post - like I said I am bad at being concise! Hope this helps. -Cora
By IAmCalamity at 28,Mar,12 07:12

Again, thank you but I'm not a writer; I'm a composer of music who also writes occasionally. I almost became an actor so I love poetry, particularly Shakespeare and Byron.

As for music, simple is certainly not better.

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