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Hurt people hurt people.

Posted by Miss Emotionally Defeated at March 31, 2012
Tags: 2012 March  Relationship

My boyfriend and I have been dating for two and a half years. We met our freshman year in college, and we are now living together in an apartment while attending university. He has terrible anxiety accompanied with major jealousy and trust issues.

After a year and a half of dating, we were already fighting almost everyday. I think this is mostly because he was on the wrong medication, and now we don't fight as much, but the things he said back them still hurt me. We would fight about pretty much anything. Normally he would think I was flirting with another guy, or I was making secret hand-signals to flirt with somebody, or I was doing drugs, or if I made a mistake or forgot to do something important he would say I was doing it on purpose to sabotage him, etc. Then he would get so upset he would grab the sharpest object he could find and try to hurt himself, or he would try to jump out a window or throw himself down a flight of stairs, or he would punch the furniture, or hit his head against the walls, etc. Then we would get into loud physical battles over the object or me trying to keep him from hurting himself, but he was just too strong. Once he hit his head so many times that he got a concussion. In these moments of struggle, I often got hurt in the process, not because he hit me (he has never hit me) but because I would accidentally get cut by the scissors, or fall and get bruised, or even sprain my fingers.

Our fights would get so bad that our neighbors in the dorms often knocked to see if we were ok. Twice, they called public safety on us, and once the police were even called because I slapped his cheek to try to get him to snap out of it. Then we were put on a restraining order by the school and I was kicked out of my own dorm and forced to live in an empty room, alone.

Thankfully, we don't have those kinds of physical altercations anymore, but the hurtful things we say to each other still continue. For example, he has had a terrible cough for months now, and he has refused to go to the health center. So eventually I got tired of him not taking care of himself that I went online and made a doctor's appointment for him. He was right next to me the whole time, and he would answer my questions like "Do you want to see a male or female doctor?" or "What kinds of medication are you allergic to?" but the whole time he was also saying he didn't want to go. I filled out the forms online for him (they ask have you ever smoked? had surgery? take any medication? etc.) and when we got to the medication question, he didn't want me to write in the meds he takes because he's convinced the doctor will stereotype him for his mental disorders. I told him he needed to be truthful about his medication so they don't prescribe another medication can could have harmful interactions with his current ones. He didn't care and he insisted that I didn't write down the names of the medicine. So I deleted the names of the medicines but not the fact that he does take medication. He became upset and tried pulling the laptop away from me but I clicked submit before he got it.

He became completely enraged with me and yelled at me and called me a manipulative selfish person and I didn't want to deal with it so I walked out and went for a bike ride to cool off. When I came back, he was still upset and yelling so I went into the bedroom and slammed the door so hard a shelf fell off the wall. He became even more furious and so was I, so I went out on the balcony to try to calm down but he followed me, saying that I was being stupid throwing such a tantrum and being so violent. I was so upset I threw and kicked some things that were outside, and he said, "Come on, show me some real violence. I want to see you really get upset." So I got up in his face and said, "You want to see me get violent? I'm not afraid of you!" So he said, "Come on, hit me I know you want to." So I did, I slapped his cheek.He kept taunting me and daring me to slap him again, so I did because I was so furious with him.

I don't know why I got so violent with him, but I just felt like all the patience I've had with him, with all of the names and insults and accusations, I felt it all boiling up and I just really wanted to let him have it. I feel so much pain from the things he has said to me and all the times he has threatened to break up with me, and I feel so much conflict because he really is a sweet caring person and I know he really understands me when he's not blinded by his anger, but I just can't be with somebody who gets so upset with me. I have tried everything with him but some of the things he says are just so hurtful I can't forget. I forgive him, but it still hurts. And now I'm worried because all of that emotional hurt inside me is coming out, and I'm becoming aggressive and violent toward my lover.

All this conflict has made me think terrible thoughts about ending my life and trying to find ways to hurt myself. Today I was taking a bath and all I could think about was slitting both my wrists open and slowly dying in a tub full of my own blood. I'm really scared because I am afraid to tell my therapist these things, so afraid that I have been skipping sessions with her. I'm failing my classes and I can't even feed myself properly anymore. I'm falling apart and I don't know what to do.

Thank you for taking your time to read this. I would appreciate any comments. Blessings to you all.


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New Comment

By anonymous at 01,Apr,12 08:32

You have to move out; this is not healthy. You can care about him and do this. Just consider: people are not meant to live that way: life is stressful enough, living with a person who is fighting makes no sense. A partner is supposed to be loving and kind. Most people move in together to save money but neglect the fact that they don't really know each other. A great book is Keeping the Love You Find by Harville Hendrix. Please move out immediately and tell the guy if he disrespects you you cannot associate with hi,
By Miss Emotionally Defeated at 02,Apr,12 20:36

Thank you for your comment and the book recommendation. I have quickly considered moving out in the past, but I immediately decide against it because, despite all the hurt we've been through, I am in love with him. Also, we do not fight as much anymore, the main problem is that when we do fight now, my patience is very thin. I am having a hard time letting go of the hard times we've been through. I don't want to move out because things have been getting better, but I still hurt.

By anonymous at 01,Apr,12 12:22

you claim that he is a a caring loving person because he doesn't hit you or beat you, i have no doubt that he is a nice guy but verbal abuse is just as bad as physical abuse, and if he was the loving caring person you say he was he wouldn't do that to you, you need to get yourself away from him before you become just like him
By Miss Emotionally Defeated at 02,Apr,12 20:40

Thank you for your thoughts and concern. I agree that I need to do something before I start becoming abusive myself, but I can't see myself leaving him. I love him too much.

By Truth at 01,Apr,12 20:38

When you say you can no longer feed yourself properly, do you mean that you don't eat the right foods, or that you're forgotten how to use a fork and spoon? Just wondering...there's nothing I would like to do for you there. Frankly, I find the thought of it all hilarious..

I mean really, isn't it funny when someone throws themself down the stairwell? That's just fucking comedy! Also , banging his head against the wall? HOLY SHIT I'D PAY TO HAVE SOMEONE DO THAT RANDOMLY!!!

Well anyway, you want to get more of this behavior going so what I would do is get a tape player, you know, the old casstte player, and then I'd record like 3 hours of little random messages like "The bitch is fucking harry next door again, in whisper voice. Or " I'm the wall and I dare you to fight me!" , "Stairwell calling, meg is down at the bottom blowing a bum from Johnny Quik" ....stuff like that. and then set it to play when he goes to bed at might.

When the hilarity ensues, please catch it on your smart phone and upload it to youtube!

Thanks! Now run along and die!
By Miss Emotionally Defeated at 02,Apr,12 20:44

Thank you, Truth, for taking the time to write such a colorful comment. I understand where you are coming from and I'm not upset, but I do kindly ask that you don't leave those kinds of comments on others' posts. Lots of hurt people come to this website seeking solace and comfort, and messages like that could, literally, push someone over the edge.
By Truth at 03,Apr,12 01:25

Fuck you, unless you decide to walk, in which case, fuck him...hooorah!!
By Miss Emotionally Defeated at 12,Apr,12 19:11

All the best to you, too.

By anonymous at 01,Apr,12 21:37

This is not healthy in the slightest, and you know it. This relationship is a dead-end. Get out while you can. TBH I can hardly fathom why you didn't end it a year ago when he was throwing himself down stairs etc.

No one needs that kind of drama in their life.
By Miss Emotionally Defeated at 02,Apr,12 20:45

I know it hasn't been healthy, but what do I do when I feel like there is light at the end of the tunnel?

By anonymous at 02,Apr,12 19:21

you have wasted one day too many already ! get out ! you can alway be a friend but you only have one life...

By anonymous at 17,Apr,12 15:46

I know you love him but your relationship with him is toxic and unhealthy. You deserve more than this. Seriously think about leaving. If this continues there is no doubt one of you or both will end up majorly hurt or worse.

By smashing top seo at 23,Oct,13 20:39

5n42NN Say, you got a nice blog.Really thank you! Fantastic.

New Comment