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untitled story

Posted by anonymous at April 3, 2012
Tags: Anxiety  2012 April  Sociopathy

i used to have debilitating social anxiety resulting in depression. for years i was afraid to answer my cell phone, leave my house, or make eye contact with anyone. i felt guilty for hating my life since it wasn't that bad. but i sought help and overcame it. i haven't been depressed in two years. in fact, i've been quite happy. i thought my life was finally moving in the right direction.

then i was diagnosed with tb. it's nothing serious. i'll get better. but for the past month and a half i've been under quarantine and being in the same fucking apartment every day for six weeks straight, not even having the option of leaving is starting to get to me. all the same familiar symptoms and starting to reappear, and i fear i'm headed exactly where i used to be. depressed, pathetic, and lonely. i know i don't have any friends (which is my own fault for being so damn unsocial), which has only been confirmed by two or three people checking in on me since i've been sick (all of whom completely forgot i was sick once they realized i had a contagious disease that could possibly put them at risk. essentially, screw you, what about me?). my parents love me, but they are on the other side of the country and can't visit me because i'm in quarantine. i feel terribly alone and i don't have anyone to blame but myself for being such a shitty friend. i feel guilty for having to disappear from work for what will probably be months, making all my coworkers take on extra shifts for me in my absence. i have a good boyfriend who i live with, but he lost his job at the same time that i was quarantined. now we don't have any money (due to my lost income from quarantine), and that coupled with the stress and monotony of seeing each other every waking moment of every waking day is starting to eat away at our relationship. i have to rely on him for everything. if i get my period he has to go to the drugstore to get my tampons. if i want to get cigarettes or food or ANYTHING i must ask him to do it. i feel awful for making him do things for me. i feel like a lazy piece of shit. he says he doesn't mind, but i know it annoys him and he only says it doesn't because no one can blame me for getting sick. he has all these things he's mad at me for which he can't talk to me about because while it's understandable why he's mad, it's just not the type of thing you say to someone who can't do anything about it. and i'm mad at him for all these understandable but ultimately irrational things as well. like being able to leave the house whenever he wants. or leaving me at home while he hangs out with this friends. i've been in quarantine for six weeks. i can't expect him to stay with me all the time, but i get mad at him when he leaves because i'm afraid of being alone and i know i shouldn't. i have no reason to. but i am. and that guilt keeps me from talking to him about it. so we both don't talk to each other about our feelings because we don't want to put our irrational thoughts and hang ups on the other person. but this breakdown in communication is tearing us apart.

so now i am more alone then ever. there is nothing for me to do at home. i knew i would get depressed again if i had to stay in my house. i asked the tb dr about therapy or anti-depressants, but the pills take two weeks to take effect so they won't prescribe me them because they keep on thinking i'm only gonna be in quarantine for "another week and a half, two weeks at most." i can't see a therapist because, well, i can't see fucking anyone. i feel myself slipping back to the place i worked so hard to get out of. when will i get better? i'm now starting to realize that no matter how hard i try, i will always end up depressed because i am a WEAK person. when something bad comes along, i let it ruin my world. i let it bring me down instead of rising above it. i tried so hard to be strong, and i was for the first few weeks. but the past couple have just been a quick spiral into despair. i am pathetic. i will always be pathetic. i make everyone hate me, including myself. no matter how good things get, something bad will always come along and i will end up depressed again. the idea of being depressed on and off for the rest of my life is paralyzing. i would never wish that on anyone, except i guess myself. because truthfully, i could avoid that lifetime of misery and pain if i just killed myself but of course i'm too scared to do that.


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By anonymous at 04,Apr,12 06:35

Look forward to getting better and write down all the things you want to do when you get better. You know the reason you're starting to feel those feelings again. Because you're stuck at home all day. Once you can leave the house those feeling will start to leave, too.

As for you're relationship, communication is the key. Try to stay calm and be mature and understanding of his reaction instead of rolling with it and potentially getting into an argument. Sitting down and having a heart to heart with him about everything you feel will help and strengthen the relationships foundation.

By anonymous at 17,Apr,12 16:25

You can encounter Christ in a very powerful way, in the midst of feelings of isolation or loneliness.

The Psalmist cried out, "No man cares for my soul." [Psalm 142:4]. He was experiencing the loneliness of isolation from other people, and the feeling that those around him were pursuing their own interests rather than showing genuine concern for his soul.

People are often pursuing their own interests and desires, but the lesson we must learn is that people are not our source. In the midst of your isolation, you can turn to Christ and discover that His love truly does satisfy. Jesus understands loneliness and rejection. He experienced isolation from people. Because he understands, he is able to bring acceptance and love.

Christ brings you love, acceptance, and intimate communion with the God of love. With Christ, you are not alone. He conquers your loneliness by coming to dwell within you. Loneliness is removed by the presence of the indwelling Christ.

There is precious communion with Christ, when a lonely person discovers that the love of Christ is real and satisfying. There is an old saying, "Blessed are the homesick, for they shall come home." Loneliness and isolation are signs of homesickness, which can only be healed by coming home to Christ.

Christ makes us whole. His love makes us whole, and out of the overflow of Christ's love within us we can then show love and compassion for those around us. Out of the overflow of His love and acceptance for you, which heals your loneliness, you can show love and caring towards those around you.

He knocks at the door of your heart; the presence of Christ is real. But He must be invited into your heart, into the center of your being.

Receive Him; receive His cleansing and forgiveness and love. Allow Him to have the control of your life in a genuine surrender, and His loving presence will fill you, removing loneliness and unrest. May the peace of Christ fill you now!

A Prayer of Surrender:

Dear Lord Jesus, please fill me with your love, and wash away all my sins. I surrender my heart and life to you. I ask you to receive me and make me whole.

Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins, to cleanse me and forgive me. Thank you for dying on the cross for me, to make me a child of God. I turn away from all my sins, with all my heart.

I receive you, Lord Jesus, as the Lord and Savior of my life. I ask you to rule in my heart and life from now on. I ask you to fill me with your loving presence, and guard me with your divine protection.

I ask you to strengthen me and help me, to live for you from now on. I ask you to fill me with love so that I can love other people with a pure love. Fill me with love so that I can love you with all of my heart. Amen.

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