Stop Anxiety
and panic attacks

Dating advice
for women over 30

Save Your Relationship
No Matter How Bad
Your Situation Appears

How to overcome
your loneliness


Stories submitted by real people.

[Tell Your Story]


Abuse  Addictions  Alcohol  Anger  Anxiety  Appearance  Attitude  Bad Luck  Childhood  Crime  Death  Disappointment  Drinking  Drugs  Environment  Failure  Family  Friendship  General  Health  Independent circumstances  Job  Justice  Juvenile problems  Life Story  Loneliness  Meaninglessness  Mistakes  Money  Philosophical  Poverty  Prank  Racial  Relationship  Religion  Reputation  School  Sexuality  Society  Sociopathy  Stepdad  Stepmom  Stress  Tragic Events  Unemployment  Violence  

Archive by Month:
July 2012
2012 June
2012 May
2012 April
2012 March
2012 February
2012 January
2011 December
2011 November
2011 October
2011 September
2011 August
2011 July
2011 June
2011 May
2011 April
2011 March
2011 February
2011 January
2010 December
2010 November
2010 October
2010 September
2010 August
2010 July
2010 June
2010 May
2010 April
2010 March
2010 February
January 2010
December 2009
November 2009
October 2009
September 2009
August 2009
July 2009
June 2009
May 2009
April 2009
March 2009
February 2009
January 2009
November 2008
October 2008
September 2008
May 2008
February 2008
January 2008



Posted by Rae at April 21, 2012
Tags: Anxiety  2012 April  Family  Loneliness

I'm 22 years old. I graduated from college a year ago and just got a great new job which I'll be starting next week. I have a boyfriend and a few close friends and on the outside, things seem to be mostly okay.
I have always struggled with depression and anxiety. I've had problems with both my entire life. My mother is bi-polar (as was my grandmother, when she was still cognizant of things) and would become manic and have psychotic breakdowns requiring hospitalization every few years throughout my childhood. I have never seen my mother hold a job. She is financially supported by my 96 year old grandmother who has advanced dementia and doesn't know who any of her family members are anymore. My father is terminally ill with emphysema and has been hospitalized four times in the past two years (three of those four in a span of about six months). We all live in my grandmother's house. Up until pretty recently, my father worked a regular job every day, but since his illness has gotten worse, he stays home and works part time from the living room couch and naps most of the rest of the day. My mother's entire side of the family suffers from mental illness and are difficult people to deal with. A lot of fighting, miscommunication, jealousy, shaming, and blaming goes on here. If that were all it was, it'd be easier to just hate everyone and not feel so emotionally attached, but there is a also a deep love and family structure underneath it all, despite how dysfunctional everything is. I am the only family member who is able to stay calm and handle a crisis.
I am very stressed out right now with my father in the hospital. I am so terrified of him dying and leaving me with no family except my crazy mother and her side of the family. I really feel like I would have lost my mind at some point in my childhood if not for my father.
I'm trying to do what's best for him and for the rest of my family while also not getting too involved. I know a time will come when my grandmother dies and her house will no longer be available for my parents to live in and I am so worried about what's going to happen then. My father is very ill and my mother cannot take care of herself. I can't take care of her, either. I love my father very much and the idea of losing him breaks my heart. I know, of course, that this is inevitable and each time he gets sick and his condition gets a bit worse, I get so terrified of what is to come.
I know that I am not a little girl anymore, but I feel so overwhelmed and ill-equipped to deal with all of this. I am jealous of my friends who do not have this kind of stuff going on and are free to pursue their lives without all of this worry. I also feel bad for having such self-pitying thoughts as I consider myself incredibly lucky to have all the things that I do have, to live in a place where I have rights and shoes and running water. I am so incredibly privileged, even though by my country's standards I am lower class.
I feel like the world I have always known is crumbling all around me. I am inside of a condemned building and all the walls are cracking and falling down. I know I have the strength to get through it but I am so scared and so alone. I feel like if I have no family I will have no one and nothing. I am absolutely terrified for the future. There are things that I am excited for, but those things are completely over shadowed by worry and despair. I feel like there is no point of living without family and loved ones. I try to remind myself to have faith in human connection, but I feel so alone and the truth is that I have always felt pretty alone. I am doing the best that I can do but inside I feel like I should be doing better. I guess all I can really do is keep trying, and I will, but sometimes I feel like I just want to give up and die or run away or somehow escape.


Similar Entries:
untitled story March 8, 2012
.. February 19, 2012
Life... July 5, 2011
lonely  October 1, 2011
agoraphobia July 5, 2011

New Comment

By anonymous at 01,Sep,12 18:07

And my final comment to all of you who have harassed me is FUCK YOU ASSHOLES.

By Nike?Kobe?8?Elite at 15,Aug,14 16:45

Storified by

By Air Max 1 Women at 10,Nov,14 00:47

Storified by

By adidas at 25,Dec,14 16:56

5 million people a day. "The Marmaray removes those boundaries.We lifted him up and took him in the car to the hospital ?I focus on Bashar only.MATT WORDSWORTH: Her guardian visa means she's not allowed to work, broken windows,00000By OpponentTacklesInterceptionsFumblesSplitGPTcklSoloAstSckStfStfYdsIntYdsAvgLngTDPDFFVs.10:231st and 10 @ Was2WASAlfred Morris rush to the right for 1 yard to the Was3.9:432nd and 1 @ Was1PHILeSean McCoy rush up the middle for 1 yard for a TOUCHDOWN. we possibly could have readjusted our aim a little bit. bristles at the mention of Shirley's name. Eastwood spoke to for a feature chat in our 2nd block today.[

New Comment