LIFE SUCKS

I have a good life but there's something missing

I'm 20 years old and I can safely say I have a good life but I can't help but feel like there's something missing. By something I mean a woman in my life. Everywhere I look I see people in and out of relationships. A couple of my friends just got engaged and I look at myself and only think about why I can't have what they have. I am truly a fun person to be around but when I come home I feel I am a completely different person. I don't want anyone to think me being fun is a charade because that is who I am but being an only child, when I'm home all I do is think about why I have not met a special someone. Adding to that are the problems I face every time I see or hear from my father. We have never seen eye to eye and he has verbally and physically abused me for over 15 years. Because of these factors I have developed a bit of a bipolar personality in which I am laughing and all smiles for a second but suddenly all the bad memories and thought are let free and I just want to be alone. I try to vent it out through my hobbies (writing, playing guitar and listening to music) but they are not enough. The thoughts still chase me. I was asked once what I would change about myself. I didn't want to sound all depressing and ruin the fun atmosphere so I said I wish I was taller but in my mind was the real answer- "I wish I could cry easier". It is very hard for me to cry so I cannot vent out all the negative emotions. I try and try but I can't squeeze out a single tear. What I want is a woman because I am a person with a lot of love to give. So when all of the love inside me is stored I feel like it's there for no reason because I have no one to share it with. If not a woman I just want something new. I am sick of everything around me. I want to move somewhere or do something new. Meet new people. Literally anything to break the same old routine I go through every day. I am writing this so that I can say exactly how I feel and hopefully receive some advice from anyone reading.

Well that's all from me :) If you read what I have to say then thank you for your time