LIFE SUCKS

I'm tired of it

Ya know... Had this really story to tell about how my life sucks but it got to long so I'm just gonna tell the main ideas...
My father died when I was around 9. Supposedly of suicide. I was young, confused. Didn't even cry at the funeral... I loved my father with all my heart..... I'm not going to go into how he did drugs and drank alcohol. Fast forward. I was popular in elementary school. But in middle school I was the exact opposite. I was quite, shy, and I kept to myself. I was talked about but I survived. In 8th grade I fell in love for the first time. I told him everything and we talked and texted all the time. Unfortunately, he was dating my friend. And its funny and sad because everyone knew I was in love with him even her. Before the end of the year they broke up. However, me and him never got together. He moved. And when I started talking to him again he was different. Gee broke my heart. So I developed abandonment issues because him and my father. Didn't trust anyone. I thought I could trust my best friend but she had changed too. There was a guy I liked and I told my friend this. But I knew that when they meet they would start to date. They met once and dated for 9 or 10 days. Heartbroken. But I got over him when I found out how many girls he had dated and dumped. 10th grade year I stated to get close to him again. He was dating someone on and off. I fell in love with him because I realized how much we had in common. He talked me into dating him. First kiss. First boyfriend. I fell in love again. But I knew when we had ended. He dumped me. I became suicidal, started to cut, lost my reason and will to live. He got a new girlfriend shortly after even though he had dumped me because of "stress". He got dumped. Told himwhat I was going through... We got back together. He made me believe he loved me and that we would last. Last time we were together he said" when we're a married couple we can spend the whole day together" that weekend, I believe, he dumped me. This time it really was my fault. I was too dependent on him... I took the break up pretty well this time what killed me was that he didn't talk to me.
I was still struggling with my depression and suicidal thoughts. But my best friend (not the one from earlier) was always there for me... He loves me..... But I still line this other guy and I know I hurt him. I know I do because I don't tell him the things I could tell that guy in a second. I hate hurting him.
This weekend me and that guy started to talking normally again. I was beyond happy. We were even gonna see a movie but odd course I ruined it. I made him hate me I'm sure of it.
So in conclusion. I'm tired of saying the wrong things. I'm tired of loving him when he doesn't love me. I'm tired of pretending to be happy around the people I call friends. I'm tired of being the terrible person I am. I hate myself. I hate my life. I hate the fact that he is the only one that can get me out of my slumps. And to to it all off he now hates me and won't talk to me. But most of all I'm tired of hurting people. I'm tired of hurting my friend. He deserves nothing but happiness but I can't stop loving this other guy...
I am 16 years old in the 10th grade and I'm going to kill myself. I have to die. Death is waiting for me. I don't have the courage to do anything right now because of fear of death but I'm tired of this life. I'm tired of being this way. I want to die... And I hate the fact that he might new the only one to save me. Kill me.