| | Posted by DID IT TO MYSELF at April 3, 2011 |
well i vaguely remember what it was like to be happy feel normal and felt like i had a good shot at a decent future but thats all pretty much gone now. 6 years of meth abuse will take care of all that pretty quick. lost my job recently now im unemployed and cant even afford the one thing that makes me a little happy for a short time, its for the best obviously. i live in a disgusting garage full of bugs, mice, and dog shit because of my two dogs that live in here with me. i have applied for countless jobs but no one even calls back most likely because of my criminal history which mostly consists of addiction issues or my work history and actually im a good worker and can hold a job for years but eventually it ends in a bad way. i cant get into the military i cant donate plasma or sperm i am on vision card money just to eat. i know the people who live in this house do not want me here and are always bringing me down. my car is about to crap out. my teeth are screwed up now thanks to the drugs, my stomach always hurts and i have diarrhea often. i had my last job for 6 years and made 12.50 an hour. i used to think my 3 to 400 dollar a week paychecks sucked and could barely make it through the week. now i'm getting by on maybe 10 or 20 a week if im lucky. i dont want to kill myself and i dont want to die however i do wish i was never born. regardless life sucks big time. |
| | Posted by Jamaal at April 2, 2011 |
My father died when I was like ten or some shit got shot in a drive by. Ever since then my moms smokes crack all day everyday. She will do anything to get it be it stealin prostituting or slangin it herself. I'm getting real sick of it she makes me give her Money each moth for rent and then spends it on drugs. Fuck my life |
| | Posted by anonymous at March 31, 2011 |
I am a 36yo guy. I come from a good family, never abused, no fkd up childhood or anything. But i ended up partying alot as a kid and by the time i was 18 i was trying heroin and within a short period of time i was a junkie. I managed to support my habit for 10 years or so by stealing from my family mostly after i had lost everything i had. They were amazingly understanding and just wanted to see me get better as anyone would. Eventually they had no choice but to press charges because it was the only way to protect themselves. I spent 5 years in prison and it was the best thing that could have happened to me.I never touched it again after in was released in 2006. I was extremely excited about my future at this point...
Unfortunately i began drinking heavily and drank between a pint and a 5th of bourbon every night for the first year and a half i was out. But i was doing great, i had a good job, and apt and a g/f. But i had contracted hep-c as a result of my drug use and alcohol is like pouring gas on a fire when you have a liver disease. So eventually i was able to get off the booze...anyway, fast forward to now..
I am not a 36 yo man that is unemployed bc i got injured and could no longer work at construction. I don't know exactly how bad my heath really is, although considering ive had hep-c for about 10 years now and 3 of those years were literally spent drinking heavily and daily. So i imagine not good, i see physical signs of liver problems, but i ... |
| | Posted by anonymous at March 22, 2011 |
Sorry if it doesn't exactly flow. ok here goes: I dated this guy in highschool and he was abusive and raped me multiple times but I never told anyone at the time. He was a wrestler and my dad was the wrestling coach. You can see the complications here. Then I finally got out of the relationship and didn't even date casually for a couple of years, I hated men of all kinds. I worked at this summer camp and this guy seemed like he was genuinely nice and eventually I started dating him. He had some wierd ticks but compared to the last boyfriend I had in highschool he seemed like McDreamy. But then when we continued to date after working together at camp it was like he was a completely different person. Once he was taken out of the camp environment it's like everything just changed. He smoked pot and he had told me this but I didn't think much of it. Because it was just pot and not a super hard core drug. Pot isn't that much different than being drunk. He offered it to me and I smoked it. It was bad for me. Which I know may sound weird to many, but it was. All of the memories that I had worked so hard to suppress dealing with my last boyfriend were all of the sudden back. I had violent flashbacks. I started freaking out. I shook and from there I couldn't get it out of my head again. Then my boyfriend at the time, we will call him D, moved into the city with a friend from college. I was just starting college and he had just graduated. I didn't make many friends because I wa... |
| | Posted by Reject9000 at March 3, 2011 |
Well this is a long story but it might put your life in persepecive...
Well, I guess we'll start at the beginning. I was born in 1987, on the coast of California. My mom was a saint but my dad was a drunk. We lived in a pop out trailer for the first few years of my life, we were one step away from homeless. In 1989, my mother, pregnant with my little brother and seeking protection from my violent, abusive, drunkert of a father; traveled back to my grandparents home in Pennsylvania where I currently reside. My mother then found herself involved with a drug addicted boyfriend who was also abusive both physically and mentally. Put me and my brother in the hospital several times. After years of living with this maniac my mother once again becomes preganant with my little sister. A few years later, my mother trying to proctect us, takes us to a shelter for abused women. Things start to look up until my mom once again gets involved with another man who was a drinker. We end up moving in with him, much to my objection. He turns into another asshole, drinks all the time and keeps me and my brother locked in the basement when we weren't at school. Just before finishing high school, I get informed that my father had commited suicide. Immediatly after high school I am kicked out on my 18 birthday, forced to live in my truck. About 2 weeks later my friend takes me in. I become heavily involved in drugs, alcohol and sex, it consumes my life for several years. I start to clean up my act and mature. I now work 55 hour weeks at a crappy low paying job and live in a camper, I guess im right back where I started. I am proud that I survived this long but sometimes it all seems pointless, I dont know what to do with my life now that I'm on my own. I only wish I had some direction. |
| | Posted by anonymous at March 3, 2011 |
I am 38, self employed where my only work comes from a friend that wants to be compensated for it. 6 months out of the year I have no work. I have 5 kids from 3 different moms. Two are twins that i had from my first and only marriage. We were young and I moved out when they were 2. their mother and i divorced a year later. I joined the military at 25 and did all i could do to get out once i got in. Without giving it a chance, i found a way out 2 months later then realized after the fact that it wasn't that bad. Got involved with drugs which tainted me for a couple years. Had good jobs only to mess them up for no reason. After cleaning up i got another job that i liked a lot and did well at. Also settled down into a new relationship with a married woman. 5 years into new job and relationship with woman who is now pregnant, i break my arm at work and get on drugs again while out on workers comp. Girlfriend and i spilt after our new daughter is 4 months old. I start selling drugs to support my habbit and run with a huge crowd of losers. After several arrests and being put on probation i clean up again and meet new girl friend at new job where i delivered pizza. She gets pregnant after 1 month. She buys a house and we move in together. I become self employed by turning a small hobby of fixing computers into a PC house calls. Then i go into a verbal partnership with a buddy installing cabling for another buddy whom i mentioned earlier. Our only work comes from him. At times we... |
| | Posted by anonymous at February 25, 2011 |
Im 27, I have a 1 yr old with a girl i love & fucked it up with, and my life is fucked. i got addicted to heroin when i was about 17, stayed addicted, went to prison, got out got back addicted, and finally a few years ago kicked with the help of suboxone. i was able to hold down a functioning life and had a son. I was supporting babys mamma/son when a crooked cop pulled me over and threw some dope on me. I had to sit 6mos. in jail but eventually got found not guilty. she & the baby had to move to her moms house 2 hours away. so because of being in jail 6 mos. i've lost my apartment, job, car, girlfriend, and what hurts most my son. also the doctor i was on (who was free) stopped writing subox and now i cant afford to get back on it, so im shooting dope and going through withdraws again. Im broke so im staying with family who dont like me bcause of my past (cant blame em) and they made it clear i cant stay long so the next step is homeless in new orleans. im depressed im a nervouse wreck, i miss my life, i miss my family. i cant even support them i cant even support myself, & now im considering eating a bottle of sleeping pills. |
| | Posted by anonymous at February 22, 2011 |
My life sucks.
The only times when I feel alright, when I feel like life is worth living, is when I'm high. It's like being in love. I'm a drug addict, but my addiction is only a pathetic attempt to cure what's really wrong with me. I need to fill a hole inside of me.
I can't process emotions when I'm clean. If a pretty girl is into me I'll think about making the move, shit I'll even get a boner, but I never will. I like to torture myself. I need to torture myself. If someone complements me I feel like telling them to fuck off. I don't need your approval. I don't care about my talents. All I need is $20 and maybe a hooker because I'm so fucking lonely. If someone smiles at me the best I can manage is a grimace. Smiling, nevermind feeling happy, is a physical and emotional struggle for me in the best of times. I day dream about getting high and manipulating my loved ones on a regular basis. Even in church I am haunted by my demons. The best of times for me are the worst of times for me. The worst of times are.........the best of times? Someone fucking silence me please.
That probably explains why I started I.V.'ing drugs at 21. Talk about making shit the worst of times. Previous to that I went through rehab at 19 for hard drugs, did AA and Na, met people in sobriety, blah blah blah. The recovery scene seems like a freak cult to me. But I know it really does help some people. But it isn't helping me yet. Like I said, I like ... |
| | Posted by Thomas at February 22, 2011 |
I had freind named Chris and he also one of my clas mates. We all had graduated high school together. I had seen everyone for about five years when i got the ym ivitation to my 5 year class reunion and in the letter it said that Chris was dead. I was notified about that. I talked to Share and she the chris killed the night before Mother's Day. He was doing drugs and his girlfreind Luara wanted him to stop or she going to leave him. He wouldn't and she was there when he pulled out gun and said I should kill myself if I can't have you and he pulled the trigger and it went off and killed him while he was high on drugs. Poor Luara had witness that. She remember until her dying day. No one should ever witness someone kill themself. The memories would too much for some folks. |
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| Posted by js at February 9, 2011 |
I am a drug addict, an alcoholic and a crimmianl. I'm in a Clinic now, trying to get better but its hell in here and I'm sure I will never get better, I will kill myself soon with the stuff I can't stop taking. I've done glue, cocaine, drank daily, day and night, can never seem to be seeing straigt, half of my life is spent in bathroom throwing my stomach out, hurt everyone who's ever bothered to care about me: my parents, brother, guys who used to be close friends.. I've hurt them all and lost them all, I don't deserve to hurt them any more and I just need to get the fuck out of this place. I'm going to die by my sickness anyway. I can never stop my addiction. I'm already too damaged, irreparable. I might soon be kicked out of the Clinic because I trashed this guy who pissed me. |
| | Posted by bert at February 8, 2011 |
I'm 30 years old, I have been a herion addict for 9 years. as a result I still live with mom and dad, I do not have a single penny in my name, i havn't had a job in 5 years, I havn't had sex since 2001, and every little move or decission i make is under a microscope.
But the part that sucks the most is that i have absolutly no desire to fix any of it. I have become very comfortable being completely miserable 24/7. If i happen upon $50 or so I become very uncomfortable. I can easily go a week straight without stepping foot outside. I have far less meaning in my life than even my 4 year old niece, atleast she goes to preschool during the week.
So whats in store for the rest of my life? lets see. I will live with my parents (with zero freinds) until they pass on. then I will become homeless at which time i will probablly kill myself.
I wish I wasnt addicted to being miserable and I'm sure with theropy I could have a life. But i dont have the energy or value my life enough to do anything about it.
and this is why life sucks. |
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| Posted by anonymous at February 2, 2011 |
i had a pretty good life at one point, not saying that it's terrible now, but it's no picnic. I was engaged to a girl, broke it off with her because she couldnt get a job and I was sick of supporting someone that wouldn't even attempt to support herself. so after 4 years I called the engagement off. Her family was abo0ut azs fucked up as they come anyway, her mother never worked and was a pill-popping addict. Her sister never had a job in her life, shes going to school but I'm not convinced for a single second she'll attempt to find a job IF she even graduates. her 3 brothers are all idiots that will never go anywhere in life, and her father beat her and her brothers when they were all children, and still is a compulsive drunk. I was forced to move back home because I got a DUI and a felony possession of weed. My drivers license is now suspended. Is it the end of the world, I think not. Hopefully i was put here for some other reason other than whining and complaining to the damn internet. I have an ok job at $16 an hour only because I've worked for my father my whole life practically. I don't know if I could make it at another company, my job is too lax here and I have too much job security. Fuck it, i guess it aint too bad, im just sick of being stuck in one place knowing im notngoing anywhere else |
| | Posted by anonymous at January 30, 2011 |
Well to start today is the one year anniversary of my sisters death from an overdose. I hadent talked to her for maybe 2 years because she was so bad on drugs that i didnt want to deal with it. I feel like i just want to kill myself so i can go be with her. The only person in the world i can trust is a teacher in my school who was there with me when i got the call about my sister. And even me and her are not as good as we used to be. i feel like im just getting on her nerves. I have about the laziest, meaniest, most irresponsible parents. My mom who i live with, spends all of the money she gets for me from child support on cigs, booze and going to the casino and gambling for her and my step dad who hates me. I have to save money from my grandparents and aunts and unlces that havent diowned me because of my mother so that i can but my own cloths and shoes. I did have a phone on my mothers plan but she lost soo much money at the casino last month she couldnt pay that bill or the cable bill or anything else for that matter, but thats all that got shut off so far. Basically my mother does not care what i do as long as i still live there so she can get money for me. I have not seen my dad in over a month because he is nothing but a drunk who does not care at all about me as long as he has money for booze. Im really depressed and i cant snap out of it, for over a year i have wanted to just kill myself but i do not want to spend eternity in hell. I dont know if i belive in god ... |
| | Posted by alucant at January 15, 2011 |
well i do my best to tell my story as best as a uneducated person can forget perods and good grammer anyway i wake up early im eight years old i was a big fan of the aba ny nets this is over thirty years ago drj julius erving scored thirty something points my dad worked overnights as a policeman i couldnt wait for him to come home and tell him when he came i told him something didnt seem right this is when me and my three sisters where takin into our living room to talk with mom thats when i was told they where seperating so over thirty years later this still saddens me so the next thirty years where meet with depreesion drug alcohol addication self pity grandiosity my story can go on with the people i disapointed and hurt esp dad who always stood by me regardless my mom had some mental illness and couldnt handle much which i feel wasnt her fault i cant continue to far because i thing i could wind up writing a book if i got too much onto detail i of course dropped out of school started with marijuana pills coc and then came angel dust and crack after stealing from family and conning who ever many efforts by dad to get me clean i didnt stop finally i did stop using angel dust and coc for a long time weed also but 9ij forget to mention ever expanding waistling ive gainded and lost so many hundreds of pds so now im in my early twenties in good place but full of self esteem issues got into good shape started to make have some girlfriends even went bact to school for a minute well my hero dad dies at 58 i marrie a girl who enables me to gain 100s of pds start using coc and alcohol daily so here i am now in my 40s 400lbs om all kinds of depressive meds no job and only have worked low paying jobs with a depression i feel deep in my bones the one thing i know though there is hope no matter how bad it gets just so far not for me and i really believe most of it though is on me ill end this now |
| | Posted by j at January 7, 2011 |
Born with thc and meth in my system. Went home with alcoholic drug addicted parents. Was molested as a baby by dads meth head friend. Then molested repeatedly by many different men for drugs for the adults. Always on foodstamps, ssi and always lived in eighther section 8 housing or trailor park or homeless. At age 6 raped and couldn't speak for a year. My dad got black out drunk almost every night and beat my mom and me. Started using cocaine at 9 on an off. At 13 gang raped by 6 Latin kings and one of them raped me in the ass too. At 14 I was smoking crack everyday and I began to sell myself for more drugs and money. I was raped again by my band teacher, then again by a man named marcus who used to stalk me, he came in my window when I was sleeping, then again by a sex offender at age 17 multiple times while I was passed out. He got me pregnant and I got am abortion. All the while I was in and out of juve 4 times, and psychiatric hospitals,11 times. I finally got off all the hard drugs I was on after I had an abortion. I am now 18 and I'm in a relationship with a 15 year old, I am 4 months pregnant by him and I still smoke way too much weed, I quit school 3 years ago. I have no friends and no family that is sober. My boyfriends not old enough to get a job and he's not mature enough to be a father and I get a disability check for my social anxiety disorder, post traumatic stress disorder, mood related psychoses, and I can't work. I have soany symptoms of so many psychological disorders that I feel like I have them all. I often have visual and auditory hallucinations of demons talking to me and whispering. My mood swings are intense and out of control. I have panic attacks, and flashbacks, bulimia, I cut myself, dissociation, black outs, and personality changes. There is so much more detail and horrible events that I left out that I could write a fucking book. |
| | Posted by Lost1 at December 28, 2010 |
I have never known happiness. I was the product of my mom's rape; a fact she never let me forget. The youngest of 5 kids. To help raise us, my mom found one abusive drunk after another. She dealt with it all through drugs. Even now, her body still lives but she is dead. I had no hope as a child. Until I made my first friend at the age of 9. For the first time, I saw some joy in the world. One night, we were all attacked and she was killed. I got to see the only person who gave a d*** about me killed. I spent most of my early teen years in and out of trouble. Taking almost any drug I could find. We lived hard and most of the kids I hung out with died from drug over-dose, gang-related violence, and even random acts of nature. In my late teens, I started dating a nice clean-cut girl who really helped my turn my life around. Then one day, she told me she was pregnant and I was going to be a father. And I thought to myself I would be a great father. The father I never had. I would be everything a father is suppose to be. My son was born september 11, 2001 (i know, wierd). Even through the tragedies of that day, I have never been happier. However, my son was born sick. He lived for three months and died on December 14th of that year. It drove his mom overboard and she took her own life. And once again, I was alone. It has been proven over and over again there is no hope in this world. No joy...no love....no point. I try to keep going. And everyday I sit in my empty apartment struggling to find a reason. I keep telling myself "everything happens for a reason" and that God never puts more on us then we can handle. I'm just so tired of seeing pain everywhere i look. I buried my friends, I buried the love of my life, and I buried my child. What reason could there be for that? I'm just so tired and I don't want to do this anymore. |
| | Posted by Life at December 18, 2010 |
I was born into a dysfunctional family
Iv been mentally and physical abused up
Intill the age for 12 at that time my parents where
Divorce for 4 years I have three brothers one older two younger
I was currently under the care of my father
My mother never came to really see us for she had really
Bad 13 teen year marriage with my father
So anyways when I was under the age of. 12
I was forced to clean and never leave the house one day I didn't clean
Up right I think I forgot to pull out a
wall unit and my father kicked me out at the age of 12
I grabed my shoes and left
I found my alcoholic
Mother and started to live with her
It took me three days to find her
FRom there I went in to a very poor life
Picking cigg buts off the ground
And never no where your going to
Be living nex
When I was 14 I went in to excor sex for money
It was time we where getting kicked out
I droped out of school to make money
I was in to very hard drugs mixing from 12 15years old
I quit the drugs and sex shit and went to move in with my now 32 year old boyfriend anyways thing haven't been easy with him I'm now 19 no job I have four abortions and I'm still trying to hang on come feb I go bad to school I'm in debt and un happy.but I'm trying
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| | Posted by whatdoyoucare at September 29, 2010 |
My childhood never happened as far as I'm concerned. Not because it sucked, at least it doesn't feel like it did. I don't remember it. I have not one fond memory from it, just little flashes here and there of faces...
I got addicted to drugs and now I'm insane. I see spiders crawling all over my walls, big hairy things.... My vision is obstructed by a tv static like overlay from my fried brain, and I have only nightmares when I go to sleep... Just to name a few. Nobody knows about this except for my counselor, whom could care less. I look high all the time, even though I never am anymore. Been clean for awhile now, don't remember how long. Hell I don't even remember what I had for dinner last night.
I want to get high, to escape from this... But I can't because I fucked up my body from all the chemicals. Heart doesn't work right, I had a heart attack a year ago. Enlarged prostate at age 20 and everytime I have alcohol it will help with my insanity, but it will leave me with chest pains and depression/ anxiety for 2 days after that is jut not worth the 45 minute drunk buzz.
To top it all off, I live on this shithole of a planet. That lacks any sort of humanity it once had, so I have to deal with assholes day in and day out that just make it all so much worse. I hate people, hate my siblings, hate god, hate everything for my own protection. If I was around people it would hurt me too much. So I spend my days alone, just existing...
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| | Posted by gilign at June 3, 2010 |
started this life with a poor large family, parents constantly displaying acts of violence through out my childhood.dad was always working his bones off to support sick mother and family(15hrs day mostly), while trying to defend and secure the relationship.
i ended up giving up and leaving at 13. lived ok and continued to educate myself. going ok till i went bak to home town(age 15),to be a bit closer. started to hate mum(the acts of violence were too much)and couldn,t believe the fact dad was still trying to sustain love and there relationship
my bad decisions soon follower after that.
(age 16)
i started to smoke pot and stealing anything to sustain the habit. left school and went to the street side of life.
i moved alot from here(most states).
(within the next 5 years i ended up with a rap sheet a dozen pages long)
one thing i never have done is a violent act.
(age 18)
ended up in vic on street, taking coke, speed, any thing i can get, stealing cars, making drugs.( not making money just support habit)after trying to get full education (11 and 12 in 1 year).
(age 23)
went bak home town and to my amaizment divorce was being spoken about. happened
(age 28)
devorce finally happened
still resent mum. but glad dad happly married now for 2 years from now.
back to me
i went straight for nearly 2 years and lapsed once so i agreed to do drug counseling(god bless the salvation army). i did discharge myself ... |
| | Posted by Laura at May 30, 2010 |
My boyfreind started doing drug after we graduated from high school. I want to stop get help and I told I marry him if he did this for me. Two years went by I tld i was leaving him and 3 monthes later I told I was mgetting married he took out a gun and he threated to end if I wen through with my marriage he made good on nhis thret he killed himself with shot in the head. I did get married but the seen of my boyfreind killing himself plays over and over in my head and dreams he the before mother's day. I wonder if I could have stopped form doing this I wonder If he would gave the gun if asked him to. I don't where he got he gun the police aske me that I clled to plice and the paramedics but it was toolate. for him he prnouced dead at the scene. I am still married and have two children both girls I hope they never witness what I did. |
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