people are only friends with me when they want something from me, or because they find my other friends attractive. people don't seem to want me for me, and i dont want to be anything else. my mom is really worried about me and its upsetting me thats she's worried, after she saw the cuts on my arm. i talked with a close family member in confidence, to find they went and talk about me behind my back. i have the lowest self esteem ever, and its got the point were i cant go to my local indoor shopping centre because there are too many mirrors and my own image upsets me. im not fat, but i just dont feel as pretty as everyone else. i shouldn't compare and i shouldn't care ... but i do, i just cant help it. i also feel like that person that is going to be " forever alone" haha that sounds so pathetic saying it. i just cant see my life going anywhere that i want it too. i want to do something "big" or relevant to me in life but im not sure i can or i will. i suppose i have a habit of over thinking things and that doesn't help, when i do something embarrassing or something i regret i tend to think over it more than i probably should and that leads to a build up of stress. also my inability to fit into a box, as much as people say its a quality i feel like the only one who doesn't quite belong, if you know what i mean, you probably dont, haha, but not everything in life is bad and i think that instead of focusing on all the bad things in life ( like the fact i have no friends that are actually my friends) but the good things, and if that means isolating myself more because i don't like the way other people are using me than so be it ... however i dont really like being alone to much either ... it just causes me to think over all the bad moments and upsetting things that have happened so far in life. also i've recently discovered i have mild dyslexia ... nothing to serious but still. i just really need to focus on the positive and the things i do enjoy not the things i dont, and not get caught up in what other people are doing and do things becasue i want to, not ebcasue other want me too. acknowledging youre problem is on the road to recovery right? so im already a step in the right direction. p.s i stopped the cuts now, they caused more stress hiding them than making them to relieve stress. it just didnt make sense and was a nasty habit im glad thats over with now. | |
First, you stopped the cuts by yourself, so good job on that part. The short-term relief that the cuts bring does not solve things, on the contrary. Replacing the mental pain with the physical pain just distracts you from fixing what's wrong.
Second, you "don't want to be anything else". Well, good for you. When people have really low self-esteem, they sometimes want to be something else - prettier, smarter, someone different. You compare yourself to others, but you don't want to be them. So you don't want to give up on being you. Maybe because, deep down, you actually like yourself?
Third, you know "forever alone" is just silly. You know you have to focus on the good things. You have dreams and want to be relevant. You know you over-think things. As you said, knowing is the first step to recovery.
If you want my advice, I would give you just a couple of suggestions... Try to trust people more. You might have had bad experiences in the past, but not everyone is bad. Having a suspicious attitude up-front might drive away a potential friendship. I would also suggest you to start working out, (that is, if you don't already). Not because you are fat, but because exercise is a great stress reliever and it makes you feel better about yourself afterwards.
Good luck.
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