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Rampage!

Posted by anonymous at June 4, 2012
Tags: Health  2012 June

Ugh. Life.
Well let me start by saying I HATE feeling like this or even complaining when I know: there is always someone out there who has it worse. But shit..not to ME!
1. I am 26 going on 27 and have have limb gyrtle muscular dystrophy.
-this alone is what I know my issues stem from. Trust me, it sucks! My arm, stomach, feet, leg, and hand muscles are super weak. So I can even climb stairs, sit in regular chairs without someone helping me up. I use a walker when I leave the house. I feel 80 and I hate it. I have 2 daughters, 5 and 1, who I can't even get on the floor and play with because I wouldn't be show to get up not to mention it kills me knees to crawl because I've fallen on them so many times I can't even remember.
It is my favorite time of year, summer, and I can't even go down the stairs to help my oldest put the sprinkler on the hose. All I did today was sit/stand on the back door small landing and watch them play. I want to go lay out, have fun with them in the water, etc. But no.
2. I am SO lonely. No guy wants to marry someone like me. My disease is one thing, but I'm also mentally unstable because of this hatred of my disease! I am highly depressed.
I will go one day feeling ok to great to ok to sad to wanting to die.
3. Oh did I mention I live in the dungeon (basement) of my moms house!? It is dark, gloomy, small, and cold down here. Plus, I feel trapped! I have a stupid riding chair to get up to my moms part of the house but then I can't go in the backyard or front. Back = stairs. Front = stairs + a hilly ass area. And I can't go anywhere without help or a babysitter because I can't even lift up my 1 year old! That is the worst. I depend a lot on my 5yr old. No 5 yr old should have to help as much as she does. God bless her she's my angel. But then I treat her like shit. I forget she is 5 and treat her like she's 15.
I often feel like everyone in my life would have a better life without me around.
I have no friends that ever initiate hanging out with me, except one who lives 500 miles away. None of my family ever want to do anything with me. Maybe it's because they all pick up on my depression. But shit, that doesn't help me.
So am I supposed to get myself out of this rut? Get over it? Well it's hard. I'm reminded every damn day how freaking boring and lonely and disabled my life is. I miss my dad, passed away in 2004 of prostate cancer, I feel like he's trying to reach out to me but I'm not understanding. I just say fml. For real. If something amazingly great and awesome doesn't happen soon I'm going to lose it.


Votes:


Similar Entries:
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Surrounded by Damaged People and a Damaged Society April 10, 2011



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Comments:
By broken at 10,Jun,12 16:20

So when did you start having kids and when did you think it was a good idea to start spreading your filthy genes?

Obviously some man was prepared to hump you.... Unless you did the virgin Mary trick twice??????


By Anna at 11,Jun,12 13:08

Remember this is teh internet so there are literally peopel who lvie on here to spread misery... Im sorry youc ame here to find some compassion and someone took it as an opertunity to shoot your already injured spirit down. I can't imagine what your lfie must be like. When I feel like everything is so out of my control and that things are not fair, I just learn to embrace the pain as somethign that is preparing me to be tough. Your body is not what makes you strong or weak never forget that it is your soul. Let people think whatever they need to but just remember your so much stronger than they are, and they are the ones who will truly suffer in the end. The ones who don't deal with a real problem and cannot show empathy are the ones that get hit the hardest when something crumbles for them. real strength is hiding paina dn tears and forcing into a smile and beautiful story wiith imaginaion you can tell your kids. You can give them so many gifts still. They are not without a parent, and things might not be easy but maybe you can teach them things that a person who takes for granted life wouldn't be able to... and I would never trade empathy for cold hearted and judgemental outlooks even if it was going to cost me my life. Life is precious, and an able bodied parent that teaches their child hate is harming their child 1000 times more. The amazing and awesome that will happen is trying, sharing your story, and realizing that you are making a difference and getting through. That hell cannot stop your kids or you from thriving as long as you don't let it. Sending some love.
By anonymous at 11,Jun,12 13:10

and to anyone who is going to comment on my typos.. quit caring about things that really don't matter in the situation before you give yourself a stroke. To the people who aimlessly troll, maybe you really need to have less time on your loser hands and try going and being something productive.


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