First off, I'm 19 years old, a male. I do way too many drugs which only make my depression and anxiety worse. I suffer from panic disorder and have nightmares almost every night. Every single day is a struggle to get beyond my insecurities and loneliness. Constantly, I think of getting a gun and blowing my brains accross my room as I cannot stand these feelings anymore. My family is dying and my friends are committing suicide. Of course, I have absolutely no one to turn to or love. Shrinks will never understand me and neither will anyone else. FUCK GOD. "He" is nothing but something for humans to use as a security blanket. I've always chosen to be a realist, but GIRLS have never liked that since all they want is some pretend prince charming which I am not. What hurts the most is my loneliness and perpetual despair it creates. Ever since I was 15 I've cut myself and longed for death which my horrific scars can prove. I'm mentally ill, plus missed my chances to find good girls who I later discovered wanted me at a young age (14 or so). Anger overwhelms me, pissed at myself for my mistakes and dream for a better day. I'm not a virgin, but it's been since I was 18 when I last had intercourse. Self satisfaction and escorts aren't for me, but this loneliness kills my heart and mind. Please, someone save me... I need REAL advice, thank you.