I'd like to start by saying I'm a woman over 30 year of age. I am currently unemployed due to the economy and have been desperately searching for a job for almost a year now. I receive no compensations because I do not qualify. Sometimes, I stay with my boyfriend for support. Other times, I stay with my brother and his family. I have very little money, no friends, and no social life. I feel so useless and helpless. To make matters worse, my boyfriend has been gone far away for a month now because of work and won't come back for a long while. Though I live with my family for the time being I don't ever disclose my feelings to them. I go on day by day pretending to be normal and try to do normal things, but I really feel as if all livelihood has been sucked out of me. Other than my boyfriend I wish I could share these feelings with other people but I've never been one to do that--not with any of my family members. I want to be optimistic and often tell myself that jobs will come eventually if I don't stop looking.
I guess the toughest thing for me is having my boyfriend go all the way across the country for months at a time just to make enough to support us. We speak with each other for 5 minutes a day, sometimes every other day. It always feels like we don't really have much to talk about other than our daily routines, and there isn't much to say either, not on my part, at least. My boyfriend is one of those manly-men who isn't very verbal and doesn't share his feelings much. I know both of us feel with unspoken words how it hurts to be apart like this. I'm just sadden by the fact that I am deeply missing his physical presence--times we spend together watching movies on TV and just having dinner without even muttering a single word. I'm more sadden to know that he feels he has no other choice but to take this route because he wants to better our lives.
However, the one thing he doesn't or doesn't want to realize is that his good intentions are hammering away at my self-esteem. But, I'll never express that sentiment to make him feel bad.
Yes, my life does suck. I'm grateful for my boyfriend as I love him dearly, but at the same time I feel as though he is better off alone or with someone else. For me, it's not a good feeling to live having to know that my own burden is rested upon someone's shoulders. I desperately want to start a family by having kids, but we both know that it can't happen soon, not without the financial support. The only thing I can do right now is to wait for jobs to call and to assure my boyfriend that he is loved and appreciated.