My life has been nothing but a mess. I feel like I am the only person living in the whole wide world and no one understands me. I fail at almost everything. I am not smart,I only passed most of my exam papers even after studying so hard for it. I don't have that many friends. Only one or two that stick around. Been bullied at high school and been looked down upon by many top achievers. Always the one to be picked on in a group and this seems to be true in every new group i find. Perhaps there is something wrong with me? I really don't know. I try to tell myself i am a nice person and i will treat people around me with respect. my father left my mother when i was really young and my mom and step-dad had raised me up. I was beaten as a child but i wouldn't blame my mother because she was feeling really pressured. Nevertheless, i tried to help her (as a very young child) in her business because i knew my responsibility as a son. Sometimes i would even go as far as buying food for the poor. i lack that emotional subtance because as a very young kid i was always "contained" by my parent. For example, whatever i said never stood in my favour and I would get beaten for that. because of this, i find it difficult to really communicate my thoughts effectively to the people around me , there is always this sense of fear. One moment i can be a very enthusiastic person and the next i can be very sad, quiet and unmotivated. As a young child, these are the reasons that brought me closer to Buddhism as I explore ways where i could better understand myself but really it's to no avail. I don't blame the religion but rather myself. I am unmotivated, sad, depressed, fearful of where my direction is headed to. If i don't put myself together, my existence will not have any meaning and i would be a complete waste of life. I always tell myself that i need to change for the better, be more sociable, help more people, be filled with energy , be passionate about life but in my present circumstance it's getting harder. I really want to change my life around, but the question is how? where do i start?
what should I do?