I have so many regrets. I miss my dead loved ones. I feel like I failed them. I think about the poinys in where it went wrong and there are too many points. Ive never enjoyed my life and when I tried, something bad always happened so I dont try anymore. I sometimes think about.moments where if I was a better version of me, my life would have been fantastic. All those moments I wanted to stay in would have been great if I was able to have been a apart of it. I had and still have so many physical flaws. Once I would fix one, bam! another flaw would appear. Skin, hair, weight, teeth, etc. I even became physically ill and doctors never catch it when Im having my worst days or have an episode. I had to do and still have to do so much to look normal. It never ended when I became a teen now an adult in my late 30s. And i missed so much and it affected my mental health. It also affected my life as if I wasnt this messed up, I would get paid more. I would have finished college. I could have gotten my family out. I have no friends, no relationship in over 12 years. And everyone I knew has moved on with having a life of their own. I live with a parent. I will not have kids to only be a single parent. Im so reprogrammed now that the idea of love makes no sense to me and is too cliche. Thing is, me and my siblings have some foresight gift, but it sucks when you seem to cant change anything. Or like when my bro dreamed his death while in operation and wouldnt tell us as he became more erratic afterwards. Sad thing is, so did me and his mom, but we couldnt change it. Its so unfair. It was so violent. I really hate my life and I cant seem to change that Im doomed. Maybe thos affected my family. Maybe i wasnt helping by staying to help financially. I dont know. I just hate this.