LIFE SUCKS

dosnt really matter noones going to read it . its too lenghty.

im feeling so beat up. .
i dont tell what i am feeing to anybody not even to my closest person( i dont have anyone who is as close since all all of them have hurt me so often).

life pretty much sucks and if it were anyone in place of me , would have dafinately done with it. it is only and only because of my failed memory that im surviving.
there are a lot of phases in my life where i have felt diffently .but one thing remains common that i am the problem everywhere. that is why maybe people are harsh or unfiendly or taking advantage of me. i feel so used up. its frustrating. to live the life i am living. heck! my life is some story you wudnt be able digest well. like ooh were you that stupid? yea. thats me.

suicide isnt an option but i think im gonna burn in the fires of hell anywys for what i have done to my loved ones. i have murdered all of their souls.with my ations .its funny to think that just some 10 yrs ago i was the apple of everyones eyes. the cutest kid on the block. now i read some unknown stranger calling my sister his "sister" , that my brother is in love. so someone new. so its easy for people to fill up my spaces. dont tey remember me?
and what good did i do here where i am at present hurt them too. but i was pained deep. it isnt an excuse for what i did. but still.i listen ofcourse i listen . i hear them i do what they tell me, but y still do they say that i dont. y dont they still consider me. doubt me? even before the thing happned. u think now i can endure all that cuzz finally have done something real bad.so its like a punishment. which i will take. i will accept. but sometimes its just too much to bear. one time that i thought of being selfish that is the charcter trait of an arian . the one time. and fall in deep trouble. i thought about myslf and i have ruined my image forever. really i dont want to blame God or anything but is He really unjust .. i mean my brother should have had his sister by his side to solve all his problems. Oh god how he must have wept when no one was around. my dad. oh God please no. not my dad,, he is the best dad there ever is.. he had given me everything. he knew enverything how i felt what i need every damn things. he gave me my first flight ticket. i have been lavish i dint have to do a thing. but what do they know. but i dont want to hurt dady too cuz he thinks he gave me my first flight. thats ok. see these little little things i cannot take. the taunts i cannot take. the flood of mamories comming all at the same time i cannot take. good and bad. i just cannot take any of it. specially knowing all thiese bad things i have done. sometimes you tend to live in a shell and the actions you take you cannot fully grasp their consequences. and you wake up one day or better heres the reality check; someone tells you one day you have done all this. i cannot believe i have done all this. i have created this mess in the firstplace. so thats me the creator and me the victim. but the selfish mistake i did wasnot entirely selfish i tell you. it as stupid ofcourse. you cannot get away witht that sort of stuff and i did. but i did it thinking about my children.my unborn childern. i dont know why but just felt that eery force in the universe was making me do it. everything was pointing out to it. and it as like a cumpulsion i had to do it. shit. ok forget about it. everything will be alrite.
so, God help me.