Ever since I could remember my memories are so depressing. When I was growing-up I was constantly bullied. At home I was regularly beaten for minor things like mispronouncing a word during a reading session with my parents. In addition my mother and the rest of the siblings hated me. I felt like such an outcast at both home and school. Most of my life was spent in my self-imposed exile locked up in my room contemplating suicide and procrastinating.
University was shit too, I total flunked as I was a lazy, stupid moron who hardly turned up to lectures or tutorials and never did any homework. I ended up being kicked out when I failed the 2nd year; my father was pissed! I managed to squeeze myself back in after retaking some exams a year later which I narrowly passed by the skin of my teeth. My 3rd year at university was a fucked up too, I barely passed out with a 3rd class degree. In my time at university I seem to have made no friends; I spent most of my time in my room too, I doubt I knew more than 2 people there and those 2 people I rarely spoke to anyway. My graduation was shit and I felt totally embarrassed to even be there as I did not know anybody.
After university I found it difficult to get a job so ended up doing minimum wage temporary jobs for 3 years; I made no friends and nobody cared when I left. After that I worked for the NHS (IT department) for about 5 years; there nobody liked me either and it felt like my boss hated me. I really put a lot of effort into my job working all hours (for nothing extra) as I had nothing to do outside of work. The latest I ever stayed at work was 3:30am and was back in office by 10am (the normal office day is meant to be 9am to 5pm, and nobody seems to work after 5pm) - but my efforts were never appreciated, I had enough of it so recently I quit. Again nobody seemed to give a shit, only a few people even bothered to talk to me on my last day. On my last day I ended up staying late (out of goodwill to finish off some work) whilst everybody else went home early - it was depressing.
My next job is no better I did not get along with the people there and I felt like a loser as usual; I am due to leave there in less than a month as they don't want me any more.
My memories of social situations have all been embarrassing; Christmas Parties where I am always such a loner with nobody to talk to, and my attempts at talking to women have been useless as they seem very uncomfortable and all of the time end up walking away; I am totally ugly and don't seem to have much of a personality. In the office I rarely make small talk; the only significant times when I open my mouth are during heated arguments which I end up losing anyway as I am an inarticulate small oaf who cannot make any convincing points. I never had a girlfriend, ever - I don't know what it is like to be with somebody or even have a true friend, i.e. somebody that genuinely likes you.
I feel so socially inept, I don't know how to befriend anyone without them perceiving me as false. Speaking to women is so hard as I have nothing of interest to say or nothing amusing to share. I still think about suicide many times a day, everyday. I want to be a socially accepted person but don't know how?! The more I think about my life the more I actually want to end it all so as to save myself from humiliating memories and future humiliation.
I always think running away from the current situation is the answer, but I just end up being fuck up what ever I do or where ever I go. My 20's have been truly shit and forgettable. My 30th birthday is coming up soon and I still got no friends - I think it is time to die as I don't want to live the next decade like this one or even celebrate such a milestone on my own!